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What It Is To Feel
Reply to Wite Lite Leo or visit his websitePosted to the MaxKyle mailing list September 6, 2001
Max was always calm. It's like no matter what happened, Max could deal.
I never gave it much thought, until I saw Max definitely out of character.
You see, the whole calm thing, that role, was thrust upon Max. No one ever asked him if that's what he wanted to be. I don't know what made him think that was how it was supposed to be; I don't even think he knows anymore, if he ever did. Hell, I don't even think he sees the difference. But I did.
We all do. Michael had to have noticed it first, which made sense since he has known Max the longest, next to Isabel. That's why Michael fights with him. Almost every issue that Max and Michael have had words over, was pointless. It took me awhile to even figure out that they were able to act any differently than fighting. But then I realized that Michael was pushing Max, fighting with him on purpose, and then it all made sense.
Michael wanted Max to FEEL something. He wanted Max to feel hatred or anger or possession or even command; SOMETHING that would take calm Max away and give birth to a REAL person with ALL the feelings that accompany being human. I think, Michael thought -with good reason- maybe there was nothing more to Max than what they all saw.
But I knew that wasn't right. I knew that Max... Max felt everything, more so than anyone I've ever met.
The first time he kissed me, I knew there was more to Max than I ever knew - so maybe, there was more to him than any of us ever thought possible.
His hands were gentle, and the whole time they traveled my body, I felt what Max was feeling, saw what he was thinking, what he was feeling.
I love that about Max, that I can do that. And maybe it's because he's an alien, or maybe it's just because we're in love, but all I know is that being able to know someone inside as well as out is the best feeling ever. His whole personality and character and soul... when we touched, it was all laid out before me, like a chapter of a book.
Max felt anger towards Michael, every time they had a fight. He hated the defiance that rested in Michael's eyes when it came to him.
He felt remorse for everything he and Liz had been through, and of course the things he had put her through.
He felt protection over Isabel, his own blood, and even though he doesn't like me to see it, for me.
And he felt fear - fear of losing every thing and everyone - fear of that white room and those guys n white coats.
"And don't forget, I feel love." Max spoke right on cue, always reading my thoughts like they were his own. I turned to him, wrapped up in my arms, squashed together on my old rugged couch. My dad was gone so it was finally a chance for Kyle and Max Time.
"Max... I know..." I felt embarrassed, that he had heard my thoughts, that my thoughts were so loud, so about him.
"I'm sorry." He always said that to me, as if had offended me in some way. When it came to this, he apologized to everyone though, and I hated it.
"Don't be. So what, they don't know you like I do. Hopefully, no one does." I joked, knowing that I was the only one Max was that close too. "They love you Max, and they just want to be part of you." Max sighed before he leaned down to kiss me.
"I love them too. And they are apart of me, just like you." As he leaned down to kiss me again - even if I was the only one - I knew Max knew the meaning of what it is to feel.
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