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Who Are You? (You Are Me)
Reply to Trixie or visit her websitePosted to the RoswellSlash mailing list August 5, 2001
Title: Who are You? (You are Me)
Disclaimer: Jason and Melinda own all;)
Summary: Liz thinks of everyone- but it all seems to come back to one person
We attract what we are
Isabel is a bitch.
Last year, I hated her. I did, and I never told anyone that. She made me so uncomfortable- just a look from her was enough to make me cringe. Every time I went out with Max, or glanced at Max, or kissed Max, I'd think of Isabel and her ice eyes and flinch from the images. I'd lie in bed and think how happy I'd be if she would just leave Roswell. I yearned to fly at her with outstretched fists and tell her to get the fuck out of my face. Everywhere I turned, there she was- with those mocking eyes that always seemed somehow afraid. But I suppose I never really paid attention to the fear.
She thought I was taking Max away from her, and even though I protested, I suppose I was. Secretly, I gloried in it. Finally I could hurt her- this girl who for all my life, had been better, superior. She was beautiful, not simple. She was smart- not as smart as me, but still, very intelligent- and although I excelled in science, I never had her way with words. I wanted to be something she wasn't. And I realized I could be. I could be Max's lover, his everything, his home.
Soon though- even I failed at that, and I saw the triumph in her eyes. She was glad, even through her grief over Alex, that I was losing Max, that I was in pain. She knew about the hot sick feeling in my belly every time I saw Tess with my Max. So I shouted at her. I blamed her for Alex. I gloried in the wild way she stood up and yelled at me, the way her whole body seemed to shake with her fury. All I could do was scream and think- I provoked that. I felt such power that I was dizzy.
If I had made her cry I think I would have wept too. Just from the sheer joy of seeing Isabel Evans brought to her perfect knees. But I didn't sob, or carry on- I just made my teeth as sharp as I could and bit into all of them. Tess shushed me, Max looked betrayed- that was his best look- hurt and swollen with little boy confusion. Isabel just kept shaking her head- staring at me as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing- Liz Parker out of her shell, out of her mind. She looked beautiful and full of rage and she looked like Isabel- in all her glory. I hated her. I wanted her to suffer.
After Tess left, everything was silent. Dust swept in from the desert, and I think we were all choking. Maria and Michael couldn't be around each other without practically tearing each other's clothes off, and it annoyed the hell out of me, so I tended to ignore them. I thought I should be happy, and I guess I was. I just wasn't sure why. If Max loved me again, wasn't that enough? Shouldn't it be everything- that he was willing to go back to the godliness of our sweet love?
When I was working at the Crashdown, he'd come in and hang over the counter, sipping an Alien Blast and trying to tug on the ends of my hair. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I could see Tess lurking in the corners, the ghosts of her giggles and her white flesh infecting my throat like cancer. She was in my cells, and Max didn't see it. I think Isabel did though. She would watch me and her brother sometimes, as she sat with Kyle, who had latched on to her as if she was a life preserver and he was drowning. I suppose he was- we all were. No one knew what to do with themselves- two of our own were gone. Alex in the ground, and Tess into the skies. Only Michael and Maria seemed to be able to forget themselves in their haze of sex and sun. I envied them- and I still hated Isabel. She had pushed underneath my skin, and I didn't know what to do to free myself. I couldn't quit her.
It was one night that I forgot myself. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I finally remembered. I was out at Alex's grave. Sometimes I'd sleep there, and I never told anyone that. I wouldn't talk to him- just read, or sleep or sit and stare into space, imagining that I could see Tess flowing past the stars. I heard a car. Immediately I thought it was Alex's family, or Max- looking for me. He always seemed to be looking for me.
But then I saw the flash of blonde and black and knew it was her. That bitch. Hot anger bubbled in my breast and I stood up, watching her come forward. She glanced at me with a solemn air of superiority and said, "Liz."
I sneered slightly. "Isabel." My very tone was a mockery, but I think she chose to ignore it.
She appeared weary for a moment. "I didn't know you would be here."
"Didn't you?" I replied and she smiled, the barest of curves to her mouth.
"All right. Maybe I did. I think I'm the only one that knows though. Unless Max is hiding in the bushes?"
I smirked. "Very funny, Isabel. Look, why are you here?"
"To see Alex," she answered as if it were obvious. "Did you think you were the only one who cared about him?"
I flushed and crossed my arms over my chest, which felt tight and squeezed. "No, I didn't think that. But I've never seen you out here before."
"I come out here all the time," she said without any rancour, but I still felt attacked, as I always did by her bitter mouth. Or maybe it was my lips that dripped with salt and rage? I couldn't tell.
My tongue feels thick and fuddled. I can't talk normally around Isabel. Just like the dust that rolls over the dry earth, my hate for her choked me. "Maybe I'd better go."
"Where?" she snapped, her lips drawn back over her teeth. "To Max? Well have fun, Liz."
"What is it you have against me Isabel?" I snarled, and she came towards me. I took a step back- I was frightened, of her, or of me- I wasn't sure. She gripped my arms and dug her nails into the soft flesh inside my elbows.
"Can't you believe that someone could just not like you, Liz?" she whispered, a terrifying whisper. "But I guess you couldn't believe that. Not you, Liz Parker- adored by all. Not you, never you, right?"
"Why not me?" I murmured, slightly blurry. The air was sucked from my lungs by her closeness.
"Why you would be the correct question," she said, almost spitting the words. "Why did Alex always stay loyal to you? Why does Max love you? Why do I" she broke off, and released me with a jerk, making me stumble on wobbling knees.
Her breath was hot on my face as she leaned close. "I think you should think about why you hate me. Not why I hate you." She laughed then. "Of course, they are pretty much for the same reasons."
I was breathing hard- panting, and her eyes raked me. "I don't know"
She smiled again- but it was a smirk, just like mine. "Sure you don't."
Then she put her hands on my shoulders and pressed me close. Her mouth slid over mine and I felt her hands on my nipples. I was struck, standing there, letting Isabel drown her tongue in my mouth, letting her invading fingers curve over my breasts. I didn't stop her. I think I made a sound like a moan or a whimper, and felt her teeth bump mine as she grinned, cruelly, and tugged my hair in a way that her brother never had.
We stood there, for mere moments, and she used my mouth with her teeth and I felt like I was underwater, staring up at my life through murky seaweed. When she let me go I fell to my knees, and stayed bent there, under her, for a second, while she stared. I realized I had been brought to *my* perfect knees, not the other way around, and tears filled my eyes.
"So why do you hate me, Liz?" she inquired calmly, and I looked up at her.
I knew the answer.
"Because I love you," I whispered, and she brushed her palm against my cheek.
"Good girl. I knew you'd admit it eventually."
Then she was gone, and I lay there, above Alex, for hours and minutes and seconds, Tess winking down at me from the moon.
Isabel is a bitch.
Last year, I hated her.
This year, I hate her too. But I love her more. I'm not sure why. I don't know why I hate her, or love her... except that sometimes when I glance at her- she is like a flat and shiny surface, reflecting back at me scared dark eyes and shaking, strong hands.
Yes, Isabel is a bitch.
But then again...
So am I.
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