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Stupidity...My Love for You, Chapter Eight

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Sent to the Roswell Slash Archive June 14, 2002


        I woke up the next morning with the biggest hangover I had ever experienced in my life. My head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and it was almost impossible to see anything with all the sand that must have been coating my eyes. With each carefully manipulated movement I somehow forced myself off the bed and into the kitchen for a much needed boost of caffeine. As the coffee brewed loudly in the pot behind me I struggled over to the chair I had sitting against the wall and fell backwards into it. I was clueless as to most of what had transpired the previous night...all I could really remember was Zan picking me up and us entering the restaurant and that was all. I wondered where Zan was...and assumed that he had gone home for the evening due to my drunken state. Within seconds that coffee was done and as painful as it was to pull my ass out of that chair...I grabbed onto the trashcan beside me and hauled myself up...and that was when they caught my eye. The flowers that he had given to me before our evening began were just tossed casually in the trashcan...petals were scattered everywhere due to lack of water and this alone caused a sadness that I could not quite explain to flood me. Ignoring the pain in my entire body...I gently took the flowers from where they laid and brought them to the sink where I proceeded to place them in an empty milk carton since I did not have a vase to put them in. As I continued to look at them images of the previous night began to rain over me...and I did not like what I saw. I had been cold...rude...callous...and just plain nasty to the man that had been nothing but kind and understanding from the first moment that I had met him. Pushing all thoughts of how much of an ass I had been to that man...I turned away from the now dying bouquet as I poured a whole pot of coffee down my throat in an attempt to sober myself up enough to get through what I already knew was going to be a very long and tiresome day at work.

        As expected the day was horrendous...I had taken to popping aspirin like they were candy as I tried to make the pain in my head disappear and eventually it did...but the gnawing pain in my heart was something that no amount of aspirin was ever going to cure. As the day progressed I became more aware of just how awful I was to Zan and despite the fact that my head kept telling me that it was for the heart kept telling me that if I let him leave my life then I was going to regret it. My head and my heart waged a constant battle for the rest of the day...but it was my conscious that won them both over in the end. I had treated him with the utmost disrespect and there was only one thing to do to make things right. I had to talk to him...explain to him that I wasn't looking for anything more then friendship from him...and if that wasn't enough then at least I could always say that I gave it my best shot.

        Several hours later after the last of my classes was over I found myself on the doorstep of the one place that I knew I would find him. Letting myself in I scanned the deserted bar and I searched for the one person that I found I was more then a bit eager to see. "Sorry buddy...the bars not open yet" I heard the bartender known as Jimmy yell out from across the room where he sat at a table with the man I had been searching for. Zan had a look on his face that I could not decipher...but the anger in his eyes was more then readable as he got up from the chair he had been sitting on and made his way over to where I stood.

        "What are you doing here" he growled thorough clenched teeth as he grabbed my arm and led me towards the door I has just entered. "Come to drink yourself stupid again so I can clean up your mess...thanks...but no thanks" Next thing I knew he had pushed me out the door and was about to leave me dumbfounded on the sidewalk...but I quickly got hold of my wits about me as I begged him to forgive me and allow me to make up for our previous night from hell thanks to my stupidity.

        "Zan...please I just wanted to apologize for the way that I acted last night" I called out to his retreating figure as I ran after him and stopped him from walking any further away from me. "I know that I acted like an ass and I would like to make it up to you...if you'll let me" I watched as he turned and faced me...watched the conflicting emotions that flew across his expressive eyes as I held my breath in wait of his response.

        "I don't...I don't know" was his response as my heart began to sink into the deepest recesses of my chest. "I just don't think that it is a good idea for..."

        "Please...Zan" I begged...not caring that I was standing in the middle of a crowded sidewalk begging an almost perfect stranger to give me a second chance. I didn't know why I felt as if my world was going to end if he didn't give me the answer I needed to hear...but all I did know was that I would be devastated if he didn't infact give me the answer that I longed for. "Let me cook dinner for you...I mean...I can't really cook all that well...unless you like spaghetti...I can cook spaghetti really well...and..."

        "Dimples...your babbling" he chuckled as he placed his hand upon my shoulders in an attempt to stop my flailing arms.

        "I...I..." I stammered...noticing that he still hadn't removed his hands from my shoulders. "Would you like to come over to my place for dinner tonight" I asked nervously as I gazed deep into his golden-flecked hazel eyes. He hesitated for a moment...causing my breath to catch in my throat as once again I witnessed a plethora of emotions cross his beautiful eyes.

        "Ok..." he stated plainly.

        "Ok..." I repeated in a a rush of giddiness raged throughout my relieved body. " seven ok"

        "Seven is fine....see you then"

        "Right...see you then"

        Looking at my watch...I realized that I only had two hours till Zan was due to arrive and I didn't have a damn bit of food in my house...not even the spaghetti that I had promised him. With a quick smile...I left him standing there and ran happily towards the nearest grocery store for much needed supplies. I could feel my heart expanding with renewed gladness...and yet I had to admit that I did have some reservations about what I was about to do...but I pushed those quickly aside for nothing was going to ruin the perfect evening that I had planned...nothing.

        He arrived on time as expected with a box of cookies from the bakery down the street and a bottle of wine. "I brought dessert" he said...handing the box to me as he walked past me and entered my home. A rush of disappointment surged through me when he didn't kiss me upon his entrance as he had done in the past...but after the way I had acted the night before...I really couldn't blame him.

        "Thanks...dinner will be ready in a few minutes" I said trying to hide my disappointment. "Um...Zan...before we eat I think that we need to talk about a few things first" I watched as he nodded in understanding as he made his way over to the couch and sat upon it. I had rehearsed this same speech over and over in my head before his arrival...and yet as he sat there looking at me with those gorgeous eyes...I found that I had forgotten every damn word.

        "Look Kyle...I think I know what you want to say and don't worry I understand. I tried to push this...this thing between us to quickly and I knew that you weren't ready for..."

        "It's just that I don't think I can give you what you want from me Zan" I I went and sat on the couch besides him. "What Max and I had was...special and I don't think that I will ever love anyone as much as I love him...or...I mean...I don't know what I feel for..."

        "Kyle...I'll take whatever you can give me for now" he responded...taking my hand into his own. "Just know that I won't wait forever. Your going to have to make a decision one day...but for now lets just take it slow and see what happens...ok"

        "Ok" I answered relieved as I continued to sit besides him...dying like hell to kiss him.

        "If you want to kiss me it ok" he chuckled lightly as he stared deeply into my eyes as I moved forward and gently placed my mouth over his. Our kiss started out as a slow lingering kiss...but eventually it began to take on a life of its own as it became harder...more passionate but the sound of the ovens buzzer had other ideas as it caused us to jerk apart. "I guess dinner is ready" he chuckled easily as he got up off the couch...dragging me begrudgingly behind him for food was the last thing on my mind at that very moment. "Come on lets eat...I'm starving"

Continue to Part Nine

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