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Stupidity...My Love for You, Chapter Fourteen

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Sent to the Roswell Slash Archive June 14, 2002


        Kyle...

        I was so excited at the idea of getting Zan back that I felt as if I was going to jump out of my skin at any moment. I had so much nervous energy that I didn't know how I was supposed to contain myself as Mike made the preparations for "Operation Get Zan Back" and so I made the decision to go to the one place that I could expel this energy and get some positive effects from it as well. I hadn't been to the gym since Zan ran out of my life that @#%$ up night...but before that it was a place that the two of us would visit on a bi-weekly basis as we worked on building the bodies that we loved about each other. After we worked our bodies out into fits of sweating frenzy...we would @#%$ each other senseless afterwards wherever we could find a place to be alone. I couldn't stop the smile that graced my face as those image continued to fill my mind as I entered the locker room...only to stop short at the sight of the man I saw changing before me.

        "Zan..." I whispered to myself as I continued to stand there and gawk at the Adonis of a man shirtless before me. I had to fight the urge to throw myself against the tautness of his body and beg for forgiveness...for I knew that I had basically destroyed any chance of him forgiving me after the night that I temporally lost my mind. I was so into my examination of the body that I knew almost as well as I knew my own that I didn't see him turn around...didn't see him catch me gaping at the gloriousness of his manly body...all I felt was the breeze as he attempted to push past me. It took me a second...but I eventually realized that he had spotted me and was about to once again walk out of my life. "Zan..." I called out as I ran after him...grabbing his arm in an attempt to stop him. "Please...talk to me" What he did next stunned me beyond belief as I felt my self fly backwards...slamming into a row of lockers behind me.

        "Don't you ever @#%$ touch me again" he screamed madly as he hovered angrily above me. I didn't have any idea as to what had just transpired between him and Max...but I was about to find out.

        "Zan...please" I cried out in pain...but it wasn't the external pain that was screaming out to him...it was the internal pain. "I just want to know how you are doing. I know that you're pissed at me...and I don't blame you...but I've been worried about you. I just need to know that you're ok"

        "Aww...how touching" he mocked as he continued to stand over me a look of pure evil plastered across his usually peaceful features. "Tell me Kyle...were you this concerned about me when you were @#%$ Max"

        I could only sit there stunned. I was speechless for I had been caught red handed...but what he didn't realize at that time was that it had all been a mistake...one hell of a horrendous mistake. "I...I...You...Max...how" I stammered as tried to get my brain to start functioning at some sort of normal level.

        "Yes...I know that Max is back in you life since he told me in no uncertain terms less then an hour ago. So you win...you got what you have wanted from the first time that I met you...so don't go around pretending that you are worried about me...because you sure as hell weren't worried when you were @#%$ your ex"

        "No...Zan...no...it's not what it looks like"

        "Don't you @#%$ lie to me" his screams echoed loudly around us as a group of nearby men inched their way over to where we were...trying like hell to catch every word of the obvious ex gay couple. I tried to speak...tried to say anything to make him understand that he was wrong...in a sense. Yes I had been @#%$ Max...but it was just that @#%$ for when ever Zan and I were together it was the act of making love...and that meant more to me that he could have ever known. I pulled myself off the floor and moved forward in an attempt to touch him...for I needed to touch him in hopes that we could form the connection that at one time was so easily formed between us when every we touched each other...but he just slapped my hands away. Tears stung my eyes as I continued to stand there with a million words milling around my head...but for the life of me I was unable to speak a single one.

        "Hey...you ok" a large black man ask concerned as he came up behind Zan and placed his arm protectively around him. I could feel the utter hatred that his man felt for me...even though I had no clue as to whom the hell he was...or why he was touching the only man that I would ever truly love.

        "I'm fine..." was Zan's reply as he kissed this man tenderly upon his lips...before turning back to me. "Kyle...you remember Officer Washington don't you" he asked in mocking tones. "Oh...wait...you probably don't remember since the night that we had the pleasure of meeting him...you were so @#%$ drunk. Don't worry you little head about me Kyle...because I am doing just fine and it is all thanks to Isaiah"

        My heart was literally melting into a muddled mess of goo as I watched the two of them walk away from me. I had lost him...lost him for good and it was all due to my stupidity and me. "You told me you loved me" I cried out weakly as I ignored the gawking bystanders and allowed my tears to flow past my eyes. He stopped for a moment as he turned to face me. My melted heart stopped beating in my chest at the look of raw sadness that plagued his beautiful eyes as he looked deeply into my own. "Yeah...well that was the biggest mistake of me life...wasn't it" I heard him utter before Isaiah placed his arm lovingly around his waist and led him out of the locker room. Tears unlike I had ever cried before sprung out from deep within me as I fell backwards onto the wooden bench beside me and allowed the utter sadness and desperation over take me as I lost the little that was left of my sanity. It was hours before I was able to control my spewing emotions. I know that I must have looked like some freak as I sat on this bench in a public locker room of the town's local gym and bawled like a baby...but I didn't care. I had lost Zan to another...and it was all because of me. My brain told me to just move on...to go back to Max and live the life that for the life of me I didn't know why...but it was the life that I had wanted before all this started. However...my heart reinforced itself and it and it alone was the soul reason that I gathered my strength as I pulled myself off the bench and made my way to the one place that I knew would end all the bull @#%$ that was corrupting my life.

        I made it in record timing as I bounded up the stairs intent of ending the all the pain and suffering in my life...no matter the cost. "Max...get the @#%$ out of my house...out of my life" I screamed madly as I bursts open the door only to find instead if Max...Michael sitting on the couch watching TV. "What...where is Max" I stammered as I made my way into my apartment and began searching for the man that I was dying to throw out of my life for the final time. "Max is gone" I heard him reply as he popped a chip into his mouth. "Gone...what do you mean gone" I asked confused as I plopped down on the couch besides him. "Lets just say that Max won't be bothering you anymore...or anyone else that I love for that matter" was his response...a huge smile covering his face. "So...now that @#%$ is out of your life...when are we going to put "Operation Zan into effect" Once again the tears came in torrents of hurt and pain as I explained what had just transpired between the two of us at the gym. "@#%$ me"

        "I've @#%$ this one up something royal" I sobbed as Mike pulled me into his arms and allowed my to cry as if my life was ending...and in a sense it felt like it was. "I've lost him for good this time...and it is all my fault"

        "No...I don't believe that. Love will conquer all...I have to believe that or why the hell do we fight so hard for it. You and Zan belong together and that is just the way that it is going to be"

        "I think that you will have a hard time making Zan believe that"

        "Kyle...we are going to fix this relationship between you and Zan...or die trying. We will stick with the original plan...except for a few minor adjustments"

        "You...you really think that I can make him love me again"

        "He hasn't stopped loving you Kyle...he's just hurt and we have to make his see that you realize your mistakes with Max and that you truly love him and him only"

        "When did you become such a romantic" I chuckled as I wiped at my tears...a new glimmer of hope sparking its way into my heart.

        "Lets just say that I have finally found love myself...and it just proves to me that love against all odds is possible"

        "You found love...what...who...when" I gushed as I looked at the mushy smile that was plastered on his normally stonewalled face. "Why...why didn't you tell me"

        "All in good time my friend...all in good time. Right now we have to focus on getting you and Zan back together and then we can dish about my love life, Now...back to the plan"

Continue to Part Fifteen

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