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Stupidity...My Love for You, Chapter Twelve
Reply to StormyBear29 or visit her websiteSent to the Roswell Slash Archive June 14, 2002
So there I sat...crying as if my life had ended and all I could think about was Zan and the events that had just played out. I knew that Zan was not coming back that time for it was so readable in his beautiful eyes just how badly I had hurt him that time and there was nothing that I could have done to fix it. I just wanted to die...wanted the floor to swallow me up and relieve me of all the pain that had been penetrating my very soul from the moment Max and I took that first step into our @#%$ up relationship. I had never felt more alone in my entire life and I needed to speak to the one person that I knew would understand my heartache and pain...or at least let me cry on his shoulder for a while. Dragging my tired ass across the floor I yanked the phone off the table by the cord and dialed the number that I knew like the back of my hand. The echo of the unanswered line was my only response at I tried to get in touch with Michael. "Answer the damn phone" I cried into the mouthpiece...nearly jumping out of my skin at the ringing of the doorbell as I quickly tossed the phone aside. "Zan" I whispered hopefully as I pulled myself off the floor and sprinted for the front door. "I am so glad that you came back...Michael"
"Thank god your ok" Michael spoke as he pulled me into a huge bear hug. "We came by earlier and when you didn't answer we went back to our hotel and..."
"Michael...what...what are you doing here" I stammered...cutting him off in mid sentence as he released me from his grasp as I almost fell to the floor from the sheer shock of it all. I couldn't believe that he was really there...my best friend...the one that I confided in with all of life's surprises was standing there before me with that same look of stone that his face always carried when he was concerned about something. "I don't care...I am so glad that you're here" I countered as I pulled him back into my arms...quickly releasing him as I looked over his shoulder finding that he was in fact not alone...that the man that was the root of all my problems and pain was standing quietly behind him. "Max..." I whispered...unable to move as I stood there mouth agape.
"Kyle..." he whispered as he pushed past Michael and pulled my stunned body into his arms. "God...I was so worried about you"
I couldn't move...couldn't think...I was just stunned beyond belief that the man that I had been pining over for almost a year and a half was actually standing in front of me...holding me in his arms. I was speechless as he grabbed my hand and dragged me into my apartment. I could only follow like the obedient little puppy dog that I always seemed to be whenever it came to Max as he sat down on the couch and pulled me down beside him. He continued to hold my hand within his own. He was so close to me that I could literally feel the heat radiating off of his body as I continued to sit there mouth agape.
"What...what are you doing here Max" I stuttered as I finally got my wits about me. Pulling my hand away from his...I jumped off the couch and began to pace in front of him as Michael came up behind me. "Mr. Nosey Ass was dipping in on our last conversation the other night and when he heard me ask you about Zan he..."
"I wanted to make sure that you were alright. I mean...we don't know anything about this Zan character. For all we knew he could have been just like Lonnie and Rath...he could have already killed you and..."
"He would never hurt me" I interjected...feeling the need to defend the very principle of Zan. "He..."
"God...I have missed you so much" Max stated again...ignoring my defense of Zan as he jumped off the couch and gathered me once again into his arms. "I was so afraid that something had happened to you. I had to make sure that you were all right...that nothing bad had happened to you. I would die if anything had happened to you" he whispered as he continued to hold me tightly against his body. I took in the scent that was only him as I closed my eyes and allowed him to hold me for it was the one thing that I had been waiting for from the moment that I had left Roswell...but something wasn't right...something was very wrong and it wasn't till almost a week later that I figured out what that something was. "Michael...could you give Kyle and I some time to be alone so we can talk"
"No way Maxwell...this is my trip. This is my friend and the only reason that you are here in the first place is because you forced your way in. Kyle has a new life now...and I won't let you just barge back into it and destroy what he has worked so hard for"
"Michael...its ok" I murmur weakly still holding onto Max as if for dear life as I glanced at him over his shoulder.
"Kyle...please think about what you're doing" he stated as he stared deep into my tear filled eyes. I knew that Mike was worried about me...knew that he only had my best interest at heart...but at that particular moment in time being with Max was all that I wanted...and all that I needed...or so I thought. I could tell that he didn't like the idea of leaving me with Max alone...but I knew that he understood my need to do so as he nodded his head and silently left my apartment...leaving me alone and thoroughly confused with the man that I loved and hated all at the same time. I don't know how long we stood there holding each other...but I just couldn't let go of him...couldn't let him go for fear that he may have disappeared from my life yet again. I knew that we had so much to talk about...so much to work out...but talk wasn't a high priority as he began to place butterfly kisses upon my neck as he worked his way to my needful lips. One thing led to another and before I knew it we were in my bed...in my bedroom where not more then two hours ago Zan and I had made love. I felt dirty and unclean as he @#%$ me up the ass...felt as if I was betraying Zan...and in truth knowing that I was as Max came with a shudder and then left me laying there with my tears and my shame as he jumped into the shower.
It all happened so fast...one moment he was standing on my doorstep barging back into my life like a hurricane and then the next minute we were right back where we were when I had left Roswell. He had only been in California two days and already he had moved from the hotel and into my apartment and every moment that I wasn't working was spent with Max...spent with Max hanging around the apartment doing nothing but having unadulterated sex. You would think that it would have been my greatest dream come true...right...wrong. At first I didn't mind the sex and to say that it was great was an understatement...because it wasn't...it was just that sex. There was no romance...no words of love and devotion...no it was the same as it had always been when it came to Max and I...it was just plain @#%$ sex. I wasn't happy with the way that my life was falling back into its old routine...but I ignored my mind as it told me time and time again that this was a mistake as I tried to make a go of what ever it was that Max and I had started once again...trying like hell to forget about Zan...but failing miserably. It was always the same for he never wanted to do anything but sit at home and be together. I tried to get him to leave the apartment from time to time to do something...anything other then be confined in that cramped apartment all day and night...but he would whine about wanting to spend as much alone time with me as possible and then we would @#%$ like bunnies as I gave up the fight and gave him his way as usual.
Michael was livid and even though he stayed in California for a month after they arrived...I never saw much of him. He made a point to tell Max and well as myself each and ever chance that he had what a mistake it was to just pick up where we had left off as we pretended like nothing had happened between us earlier in Roswell. I knew that he was right for Max and I still had not had that talk that he had promised me so many years before and I knew that we still had to discuss the whole Max cheating on me with Liz...and of course him fathering a child with her...but I never uttered a single word. Max on the other had wouldn't hesitate to tell Michael just what he thought of his words and then he would kick him out of my place...and for some stupid reason I would just let him.
I knew that I should have defended my best friend for I knew that he was right and only had my best interests at heart...but I never did and I almost lost the one other person that had loved me unconditionally in the process. However...one night right before Michael went back to Roswell that all changed. I had had enough of togetherness with Max as I stormed out of the apartment after a heated argument over his lack of interests in anything else but sex and before I knew what happened I found my way to his hotel room. "What the @#%$ are you doing here" he hissed at me as I stood on the doorstep of his room. He had no intentions of letting me enter and I had to admit that I couldn't blame him as I continued to stand there with a look of pure shame etched upon my face. "Go back to your little Maxie Boy"
"Please Michael" I cried as per the norm when it came to Max and our relationship tears flowed from my eyes. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I mean...one minute I am with Zan and then the next minute I am with Max...and in the process I may have lost my best friend. Have I..." I stammered through tear filled eyes. "Have I lost my best friend" I could see the range of emotions that flashed through Michaels eyes as we both continued to stand there in the doorway of his ratty hotel room. I could literally feel my heart stop in my chest as I awaited his answer...for I knew that he had ever reason to just end our friendship without question for the way that I had treated him. He had always been there for me...even putting his own life on hold to rush to my side when he thought that I might have been in trouble with the whole Zan situation and that was how I had repaid him...by shoving him to the side and ignoring him for of all people...Max.
"Whatever" I heard him utter as he stepped out of the doorway and allowed me to enter the dingy room. I knew that he was still angry and that we were a long way from where our friendship had once been...but I was determined to change that...damned determined. I watched as he threw himself heavily onto a beat up chair as he stared at me with eyes that told me that I better start explaining myself or our friendship would really be over. I didn't know where to start as I took a seat on the bed before me...placing my head in my hands in a frustrated gesture for I had so much to say and no clue as to where to start. "You better start speaking or you can just take you stupid ass right back where you were before"
"I don't know where to start" I responded.
"How about you start with what has been going on with you and Zan...and then we will work our way back to why the @#%$ you just let Max breeze back into you life...destroying everything that you have worked so hard for"
"Ok" I whispered as I slid my then weary body to the floor...using the side of the bed as a backstop. "Zan and I are a...were a couple...of sorts...I guess" I stammered...not knowing how to explain the roller coaster relationship that I had shared with the man.
"You guess. Either you were a couple or you weren't" he snided as he continued to sit before me with the same look so readable in his eyes.
"We are...or at least we were until the night that you and Max showed up. We had just spent the most wonderful day together...and then we had made love and it was then that I realized that my feelings for him had changed"
"You realized that you love him" he questioned as he leaned forward awaiting my response.
"Yeah..." I answered truthfully. "I love him"
"Then what the hell happened" he questioned...a look of pure confusion written upon his face. "If you love him so much then why are you back with Max"
"I don't know. I mean...when it comes to Max it is as if he has some sort of hold over me. It's like I can't think for myself...like I am a puppet and he is the puppet master...does that make sense. And besides it doesn't really matter anymore because I hurt him Michael. I hurt Zan so badly that I don't think that I can every do anything to make it go away"
"Well...I don't think that is true. I am sure that we can find a way to make things nice between you and Zan once again and in the process get Max back out of you life...for good"
"Why...why are you doing this Mike" I questioned as my tears once again began to flow down my cheeks. "You don't even know Zan...you don't know anything about what has happened between us"
"No...your right I don't everything...but what I do know is that you love him and since he came into your life you've become the old Kyle that I used to know and love. I know that living here in California has been good for you...but Zan entering your life has been fantastic for you. Now...I need to know what it is that you have done to @#%$ this up...so we can come up with a way to fix it"
"What about Max" I questioned.
"Don't worry about Max for right now...I will take care of him when the time comes. However...you have to fight this force that he seems to hold over you...because if you don't then I am out of here and our friendship is null and void forever...got me"
"I got you" I said with a small smirk as he got up off the chair and went and sat on the floor besides me as together we came up with a plan get Max out of my life and to bring the one man that I loved more then I ever thought I could back into it. It was a perfect plan...it was a plan that was going to bring the man that I could openly admit with undying devotion that I loved more then life itself. It was perfect...until Max destroyed everything within a matter of a few minutes and I knew that my life would never be the same again. " He calls me Dimples you know" I chuckled before I knew of the damage that Max had caused...unable to stop the mushy smile that I knew was covering my face.
"Oh brother" Was Michaels reply as he placed his head in his hand...but I knew better for I had seen the smile that he had been trying to hide. "I hope that he is talking about the dimples on your face and not the ones on you ass. Go one...get out of here...and remember that you love Zan...and Max has no power over you"
Continue to Part Thirteen
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