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Of Fire, Of Ice
Reply to SineyaPosted to the RoswellSlash mailing list April 18, 2001
Of Fire, of Ice
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: NC-17 (Sexual situations, a few bad words)
Summary: Once they knew each other, once they loved each other, once betrayal broke them apart. And now, a lifetime later, history repeats itself.
Author's Notes: Another product of writer's block. I don't know where it came from. But you try being stuck in your room for a week with the flu, you'd go stir-crazy too and write like mad.
"Some say the world will end in fire, some in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those that favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice
Is also great and would suffice."
* * *
"I don't love you anymore."
"I just...I can't look at you and not...."
"I....I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! God, I messed up, I.....I....please..."
"I love you! Noone but you! Please.......it...it meant nothing."
"I don't love you anymore."
"Please! God, please, I LOVE YOU!"
"You fucked him, you fucked him because you wanted him."
"You didn't love him, if you had.....then...then maybe I could understand but....."
"I'm sorry......you're right, I DON'T love him, I love you! ONLY YOU!"
Silence. "But I, I don't love you anymore."
"Please! I love you.....I..I...I love you!"
"I can't.....I can't look at you. I......goodbye."
* * *
I was overjoyed when we first made love. It was everything I'd wished for, hoped for. So magical, and starry-eyed, it was straight from the pages of a trashy, romance novel.
It was beautiful.
That sounds so idealistic.
But it was beautiful our first time. Candlelight and rose petals strewn across the bed, the moon's glow emanating from my open window, and somehow when I looked over at the sky, the stars seemed to shine just a little brighter.
We made love with such reverence that I heard a dulcet choir of angels singing above us.
God, I sound corny, but it's her fault.
She's so beautiful.
Her hair is like silk. My fingers slide through it, and it wraps round in a loving caress, twining through my fingers, circling my palms. I had a love affair with that glistening hair, burying myself in it, savoring the scent and feel.
I could drown in her eyes. Puddles of emotions. You can read her every feeling in her eyes, every drop of love, of anger, of sadness.
And her mouth. God, her mouth. It's pure sin. Pouty and soft, rosy and pink. I could nibble on her lips for hours, days. I could feast on her luscious mouth for months and still hunger for it. When she wants me to do something her mouth curves up in such a sensual, bewitching smile that I fall to my knees and beg for mercy.
Because it's during those moments when I know I 'd do anything for her.
Kill, die, live.
Her body is heaven incarnate. A banquet of flavors --cinnamon, vanilla, and every other imaginable delight. She could sustain me forever if need be. Her perfect breasts, and honeyed juices make my mouth water. Her tiny, shapely figure is magnificent and I'd spend hours each night exploring her. Every crevice, every corner I tasted and touched, leaving nary an inch unchartered.
But her most ravishing feature. Her most decadent, and ambrosial attribute......
Was her soul.
It was glorious.
I could wax eloquent about her soul for hours, probably bore you with every minute detail about her precious heart, her resplendent soul.......but I won't.
Because I learned, the hard way, that sometimes even the most beloved of beings can have glorious souls that turn as black as the deepest pits of Hell.
Or maybe that's just my shattered heart talking.
Maybe you should hear the whole story. Decide for yourself.
Because at this moment? I can't decide..........if I love her.......or hate her.
Maybe you can help.
* * *
I was at school when I first laid eyes on her.
I remember this feeling of familiarity, like I knew her from somewhere.
Turns out I did.
And she betrayed me in that life too, though at the time I had no recollection of it.
She was just standing there, threads of silk flowing over her shoulders and a confident, friendly smile gracing her face.
She became my partner later that day.
I was elated, and thanked whatever Gods there were for giving her to me.
So we researched and studied and became friends.
Then one day, she kissed me.
And I knew her........
.......Petal soft lips brushed against mine. The taste of kiwi and peppermint filled my mouth. Our mouths entangled, tongues entwining, thrusting in an age-old rhythm. She pulled away moments later, and I stared into her glowing eyes, remembering.
She stared at me, eyes lit with confusion. "Hmmmmm?"
"I know you.........I loved you."
Her mouth curved, happiness aglow in her crystalline eyes. "You.......remember? Everything?" Something flashed through her eyes for a moment before the joy filled them once again.
I embraced her, concealing my face in her fragrant hair, fractured memories flowing through my mind.. My lips grazed the shell of her tiny ear, "I remember.".........
I remembered scattered memories of a lifetime eons ago. Not everything, but just enough to remember her and our love. So I told her.
Somehow I missed the angst buried beneath her exhilarated smile.
Or I chose to ignore it. It was so long ago, I sometimes forget.
The weeks went on, we held hands, kissed, held daily Eraser Room sessions.
And chose to disregard the disapproving looks from our friends and families.
We were happy. That was enough.
Then one night, we made love.....
......"I don't know how to say this." Her crystalline eyes gazed up at me, confusion on her face. I cradled her hands, enfolding them across my chest as I stared at her. "I love you.....so much."
Her eyes filled with tears, dripping down rose-colored cheeks, sliding off a refined chin. Her hands spread upwards, burying themselves in my hair as she beamed. "I love you."
We leaned in together, lips brushing softly before our kisses grew passionate, heated.
"God...... you're so beautiful......" I could feel her blush against my cheek, and I smiled softly, pulled away to drown myself in her eyes. She never believed me when I complimented her beauty, she didn't believe in herself enough. "You are. You always will be."
She smiled, palming my cheek. "So are you." It was my turn to flush, as I pulled her closer. I don't take compliments well either.
Her soft giggle was swallowed by my mouth, as our lips met again. We fell back across her bed, the quilted comforter soft underneath my back. We embraced slowly, hands exploring familiar planes as our bodies melded. Her fingers strummed over my thighs, stomach, pulling off my shirt, stripping off my shorts, pulling off my underwear. I lay naked beneath her fully clothed body, as she stared down at me, eyes wide. Her gaze ran across my nude form, and I could feel it, everywhere she looked she touched me with her liquid stare.
I wanted to see her.
So I asked.
She stood in front of me, full of self-consciousness and insecurity. Then reached down, fiddling with the hem of her shirt before glancing back up at me and quickly running a hand over herself. All of her clothes disappeared.
She was beautiful.
And she smiled.
I knew then, for sure, that I loved her.
Because at that moment, when she stood in front of me, unclothed, stripped bare and hesitant. It was then when she showed me her soul.
And it was magnificent.
I sat up, reaching for her hand, pulling her atop me. Our bodies melded once again, this time flesh pressed to flesh. I skimmed my hand down her back, grasping for the gentle curve of her rear. She whimpered, pressing smoldering kisses across my chest, up over my neck, and took my mouth. Our tongues mated wildly, tasting each other, stroking one another.
Rolling over, I crouched above her. My mouth watering at the sight of her pale curves. I grasped her breasts, rolling the coral nipples between my thumb and forefinger before leaning down to take one into my mouth. She gasped, hips arching up towards mine as I made love to her breasts. I think I spent hours exploring the soft curves of her chest before I moved above her, burying myself inside her flesh.
She twined around me, legs wrapped tightly, and arms pulling. Her breath came in short pants, whispering my name, shouting it as I made love to her body. My fingers curled into her, tongue seeking her warmth as she shook beneath me, finally releasing her arousal.
I moved, pressing a tender kiss against her mouth as she sighed into me, pulling me onto her.
"That was.....wow." She whispered wondrously. I hadn't been her first, but I would be her last.
She stared into my eyes, tears filled her eyes, and I gasped. "What's wrong?"
"I...I just love you so much." Her hands grazed my back, rolling so she towered above me. "Can I touch you now?" She said it shyly, hopefully.
I smiled, pulling her down and covering her mouth with mine. "Yes." I murmured against her lips.
And she did..........
We made love for the first time on my birthday.
My real birthday.
And as I said before, it was beautiful.
That cemented our relationship, and we were inseparable.
What had once been late study sessions turned into nights of passion and lovemaking.
My best friend couldn't understand. Didn't realize that this was our destiny, never knew that I'd been waiting for this kind of love for so long.
Everything was perfect. I was finally happy, after years of blending into the background, I'd finally found her.
I once though I'd found my soulmate. I fell in love, but something wasn't right.
And now I know why.
It wasn't her.
And she was happy.
Years spent searching for me, hoping for me, and she found me in the most obvious place.
And we were happy.
So, when she started spending time with him, when they started hanging out more, and talking more, I made nothing of it.
She said he was like a brother, a good friend.
When they teased each other, and laughed togther I smiled, glad she was finally making friends.
I thought it was good, she needed more than me to be there.
I was happy for her.
We still made love with the same incredible want, the same enormous need.
And she still told me she loved me.
I believed her. I trusted her.
I trusted him too. Never believed him capable of such cruelty.
They were two of the most important people in my life.
And they betrayed me once again.
I was just too happy, too content to see it coming.......
........."Baby? You home?" I knocked on the open door, my gaze straying to her driveway. Her car was there, so she had to be.
I looked down, grinning at the sight of pink heels under my feet. She always leaves her shoes strewn across her house, it's a wonder she doesn't get yelled at.
"Sweetie, I thought we had plans tonight?" My voice echoed through the empty living room, as I waited for the sound of her voice.
I heard her, a breathless gasp coming from her bedroom, and fear filled my being. I ran through the hall, visions of my lover in a puddle of blood running through my mind. My gaze fell on her slightly opened door, and I burst through it, stopping short at the sight before me.
My eyes closed tightly, tears leaking from the corners.
She was lying on her bed, naked.
And he was fucking her.
Max......was fucking her.
Her golden curls were strewn across a bright, lilac pillow, sea-blue eyes staring up at me in shock and horror.
And he was staring at me, my first love, shock and grief coloring his gaze.
"Liz! Liz!" I was deaf, blind as I ran from the room. I could almost hear the my heart shattering as I staggered through the Valenti house, pulling the front door open as I sobbed brokenly. I tore down the stone steps, my eyes clouded with agony. With tears pouring down my cheeks, and obscuring my vision I didn't see Kyle in front of me, and we collided.
I fell sobbing, my long, white skirt turning a bright green as the lush grass dig into my knees. My mind seemed to turn on me, as the picture of my girlfriend and my best friend burned across my closed lids.
Kyle kneeled next to me, and pulled me into his arms. "Liz, what's wrong?"
I opened my eyes, staring up into his worried gaze. I wished for the first time that I could've fell in love with someone like him. My mouth was dry, and I felt a choking sensation in my throat. I couldn't speak.
Max and Tess came rushing out the front door, clothes thrown on haphazardly. Kyle stared at them, confusion and worry turning into realization and anger as he took in the lipstick marring Max's neck, and Tess's swollen lips. He stood, crossing his arms as I knelt on the ground.
"What happened? What did you do?"
I gasped, stumbling to my feet as I turned towards them.
Tess stared at me, desperation in her eyes as she reached out. "Liz....baby please...."
I shook my head in disbelief. "No...no...no......" My body shook, as I faltered backwards, away from her. "Don't touch me!" I leaned against Kyle, afraid my body would betray me too. "How long?" I whispered, gazing at two of the most important people in my life.
Max closed his eyes slowly, and I watched as a tear pooled down his stubbled cheek. "Liz......I...we can explain..."
"HOW FUCKIN' LONG!" I howled, hands fisted at my sides.
Tess reached out again, her hand grazing my arm. "Three weeks." She whispered.
I trembled for a moment, before desolation drowned the rage. Memories flooded through me, filling up the empty spaces. And finally, I remembered their betrayal back on Antar.
"Again," I whispered bleakly. "You've betrayed me again."
They stared at me, stunned.
I raised my eyes pleading with them, catching each gaze before looking down at my hands. "Do....do you at least....love each other?"
If they answered yes, if they said they couldn't live without each other then I'd leave. Because I loved Tess so deeply, so achingly that if Max made her happy, then I could stand watching them together.
They shook their head slowly.
I laughed bitterly before looking over at Kyle. "Kyle can you.......please....please leave."
He pulled me into a comforting hug, whispering in my ear. "I'll be inside, if you need to talk....or something."
I smiled sadly, moving away. "Thank you."
He walked up the steps, glaring at Max and Tess before he entered the house, slamming the door behind him.
I looked at Max, whispering somberly. "You were my best friend, my first love, and not once, NOT ONCE, did I think you could betray me like this."
He moved towards me.
I moved away.
"No." I said, shaking my head. "You can't fix this, you can't change anything." His eyes closed once more, and he stumbled back. "Leave, Max. Don't look at me anymore, don't talk to me......just...just leave me alone." My voice broke as I repeated words I'd spoken eons ago.
"We didn't....God Liz, we didn't mean for it to happen."
"LEAVE!" I was harsh, hoarse from crying as I shouted at him. My eyes followed his back as he walked past me, shoulders slumped.
I turned, eyes filling again as I stared at Tess.
"I don't love you anymore." My words were raspy, filled with anguish.
She looked at me pleadingly, eyes dark with misery and guilt.
"I just...I can't look at you and not...." I whispered, a vision of her betrayal danced before my eyes again, I closed them tightly as I tried to get hold of myself.
"I...I..." She stuttered, faltering.
I walked forward, a hand reaching up to stroke her soft cheek one last time. "We're through."
She shook her head, her eyes refusing to believe me, she grasped my arms and tugged me to her. "I....I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! God, I messed up, I.....I....please..." I rested my chin against her shoulder breathing in her fragrance.
My throat closed as the scent of vanilla permeated my nose, filling my head with memories of her. Of me. Of us.
I let her bury her hands in my hair as she begged me to understand. "I love you! Noone but you! Please.......it...it meant nothing."
I pulled away, shaking my head in denial. "I don't love you anymore." Why did it hurt to say that? Why did the words leave such a bitter taste in my mouth?
"Please! God, please, I LOVE YOU!" My eyes filled yet again, her voice was dejected, filled with self-loathing. It made me want to hug her, hold her close and comfort her. I was filled with anger, how could I still want to hold her, and soothe her when I was the one wronged.
It made me want to hurt her too.
"You fucked him, you fucked him because you wanted him."
Tess sobbed quietly as I lashed out at her.
"You didn't love him, if you had.....then...then maybe I could understand but....." I wanted to hate her, wanted to shatter her heart and soul too.
She fell, kneeing at my feet, staring up at me in sorrow. "I'm sorry......you're right, I DON'T love him, I love you! ONLY YOU!" She grabbed my hand, wobbling to her feet.
I shuddered at the familiar touch, pulling away after holding her tiny hand. "But I, I don't love you anymore."
She shook her head frantically, trying to capture my hand again. "I love you.....I..I...I love you!"
I backed up, fumbling with my purse as my eyes drowned in hers, one last time. "I can't.....I can't look at you. I......goodbye."
When I reached my car, I looked back one last time.
Tears dripping across my cheeks, I gazed at her fallen form. It wasn't right......she wasn't right. I couldn't stand the sight of her on the ground weeping.
And I hated myself for still loving her...........
So there you have it.
I guess.....by showing you how we came to be, how we ended......I answered my own question.
I still love her.
But now, I hate her too.
Back on Antar, we were childhood friends.
My name was Aubadine, and she, of course, was Avaria.
We fell in love at the young age of fifteen.
Then I met Zan.
I loved him.
But not the same way I loved her.
Then she met Zan.
The three of us, we were friends for so long.
The two of us, Ava and I, we were lovers so long.
And on her seventeenth birthday I wanted to surprise her, so I came home early from my trisanna sessions.
And I found them.
It's funny how history repeats itself in such a familiar way.
I never forgave or forgot.
They weren't in love then either.
Three years later, on Zan's twentieth birthday they were betrothed by their parents. Zan'd mother wanted her son to marry someone of great stature, and Ava was her choice.
They never loved each other. I knew, I watched from afar as they said their vows, Zan's eyes were dark and spiritless. Ava's were....still so beautiful, but empty, lifeless.
I killed myself on their wedding night.
I wonder if they knew that, I wonder if they ever found out.
I'm quite certain Ava did. We were connected.
We still are.
They never loved each other.
If, in each life they had, then maybe I could forgive them.
But they didn't and they don't.
And I can't.
The pain is too great, too overwhelming.
History has repeated itself in the form of love.
I once lived as Aubadine, and died by her hand.
In this life, I live as Liz Parker.
I love as Liz Parker, and was betrayed as Liz Parker.
But I refuse to die by Liz Parker's hand.
By my hand.
Because I have to hope, and have to imagine that one day the fates will get it right.
That one day I'll get the fairy-tale.
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