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Memoirs of a Lost Soul

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Added to the Roswell Slash Archive January 24, 2001

Memoirs of a Lost Soul, by Sara
Category: Tess/Liz, Tess POV
Summary: Tess says goodbye.
Background Music: "Fallen" by Bree Sharp.
Notes: A sequel of sorts to Confessions of a Quiet Victim. My first attempt at doing Tess's point of view.
Warning: angst ahead.



"Sorry I never told you
all I wanted to say..."

One Sweet Day
*Mariah Carey*

***

"I can't save you."

"I know."

"I'm sorry. I love you."

"I love you."

She smiled at me, and closed her eyes.

All was lost.

***

Everything is quiet.

I came into this world alone, and I realize now that's it's my fate to leave the same way. For those few, amazing moments, she was mine, and I knew happiness. But that's all over now.

Once again, I know loneliness. It's the one human emotion I never could deny myself, and it surrounds me now, like a heavy blanket in this oppressive summer heat. I thought I was alone before, I was wrong. Then, I was just lonely. I could have made friends. I didn't. Then I came here. And I suddenly had a family, or at the very least people I could relate to.

And I had Liz. Not in the beginning, of course. When I arrived, I had a purpose, though it was not my own. I was different then. Knowing Liz Parker changed me. For the better, I think. She made me feel human. I owe her for that.

I don't know how I'm going to live without her. Everyone is gone, and the world I know is a world I hate. Solitude is a way of life for me now. Life. Ha. If you could call it that.

The funeral was difficult, even more so than I thought it would be. Basically it was just me and a few random kids from school, along with many family members. No one knew who I was. "Oh did you know Liz? Such a sweet girl, wasn't she. It's a shame. Where is that lovely Max she used to date? Never seen two kids more in love. Such a tragedy."

Not even her parents knew. To them, I was a girl that used to come to the Crashdown with Liz's friends, and someone who visited her in the hospital a few times. Nobody special. Just another friend. No one worthy of knowing.

Even if I had told them, they still wouldn't have understood. "You loved her? What do you mean? She's been dating Max. Our Lizzie wasn't like that. I don't know what you're talking about." Right. That's what we got from everyone else, why expect anything different?

But I have no room left for bitterness now, only painful, quiet acceptance. And the silence. It surrounds me, boxes me in until I can't breathe, I can't think, I can only gasp and cry in a lonely corner of my room. At first, I tried to keep up the facade. I was just a minor friend of Liz's, barely knew her. Right. Now I don't even bother. I just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, remembering a life with meaning.

I've known solitude before, but this is different. This is cold, dark pain, the kind that cuts you up inside until you're ready to crush your own hands so they'll stop shaking. I miss her. It's like someone has reached into my life and taken away air, food, sunshine, and music. And all that is left is this deep, burning sorrow. It's killing me. I can't live without her.

The bedroom light is too bright for my eyes. I'll turn it off soon. I'll turn everything off. I'm going to leave. I have everything I need. Six bottles of aspirin, water, car keys. I'm wearing her favorite dress of mine. It's long and red, and we danced together every time I wore it. I'm going to the pod chamber, and I know no one will find me there. I have nothing to worry about. Not anymore.

***

I arrive at the cliffs faster than usual. I sped all the way here, what does it matter if I get a ticket? Not like I'll be around to pay it. No one stopped me though, and now I stand looking over the edge. A small bag full of pills dangling from one hand, a bottle of water hanging from the other. I sigh, enter the pod chamber. Now that I can see the end, I feel so much more relaxed. Only eternity awaits.

I can hear it starting to rain outside, and I feel even more peaceful. I tear open the bag, and one by one begin swallowing the pills. They slide down my throat easily, and everything else descends into white noise. Grab, sip, swallow. Grab, sip, swallow. Comforting.

Fatigue begins to overtake me. I collapse against the wall, slowly slide down. My muscles slacken, pills scatter over the ground. Water spills from the bottle, forms a small puddle. This makes me smile.

Can you hear me, Liz, Lizzie, my beautiful Elizabeth? The rain falls for you, and so do I. I'll finish it now, the sooner I can see you again. I press my palm over my heart, throw my last bit of energy out. I feel the beats slow down even more, my pulse grows sluggish. I'm sleepy now. One last strong mental twist, and I feel myself fade.

Are you there, Liz, are you waiting for me? I'm here now.

I'm here.

I'm here...

The End 11-12-2000

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