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Reply to RinnyAdded to the Roswell Slash Archive April 26, 2001
Title: Different Now
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters but I wrote it.
Summary: Read it. Isabels' POV
Author's note: I can't take full credit for this, I got the idea after reading a billboard. This isn't a happy piece. This is my version of a dark piece. (my first one.) I've never written anything like this before so please let me know what you think.
Also,the quotation marks means someone is talking, everything else are Isabel's thoughts.
"Isabel", he says. By the tone of his voice I know that something serious has happened. I turn around and look into his eyes. They are hard, shining in the magnificent way only his eyes can.
"You're probably wondering why I asked you to meet me here."
I nod. I listen patiently, although I already have a feeling that I know what he's going to tell me. He's silent now. He turns away from me, and just then, a harsh gust of wind brushes past me and I shiver. Me in my short red slip, his favorite. I knew I should have brought a sweater.
"Do you want my jacket?" he asks me
I shake my head no.
More silence. I stare out into the horizon. The sun is just setting. It's probably the most beautiful thin about California. I think it's why we decided to move here; well, I guess I decided to move here, Alex just wanted me to be happy.
"How was Sweden?"
I ask. His head jerks up for a second and he looks so fragile. He doesn't answer right away; then
I can hear the sadness in his voice.
"How was France?"
I answer him, because that is the only way I can describe it.
He looks away from me again, lost in deep though. I let out a heavy sigh and wait for him to tell me what he has to say. Finally, he turns to me. I see a sadness in his eyes that I haven't seen since the day we left Roswell, New Mexico.
"I met someone."
He says this in a whisper, his eyes not meeting mine. I didn't think it would hurt so much when he said it, but it does; but only for a second. I look at the sky, it's getting dark, the sun is almost set.
I say this as a question as if he's just told me he finished a great book.
"Oh? Is that all you have to say?"
He's angry now, he's angry because he thought I would scream at him, or cry. Something, anything but the silence I'm giving him now. I sigh again deeply.
"What do you want me to say Alex?"
I ask him. Softly this time, gently. As if he'll break at any minute.
"Anything! Anything Isabel!"
He's still angry with me. It's funny isn't it, that he's angry with me. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I know I should be angry with him, I should be furious, but I can't be. I never could be. Hurting him was hurting myself. Now it was the same way. Instead I'm silent. Alex is pacing now. Furiously, angry.
"I said I met someone Isabel! I met a girl. We kissed, we held hands, we made love!"
He's screaming this now; his voice cracks a bit. I have to say that last one hurt a bit. He wants me to be mad; he wants me to scream, to hit him. I know it'll make him feel better, less guilty. I won't give him that, not yet.
It really is beautiful here.
He met someone. He made love to a woman that wasn't me. I guess it was selfish of me to think he'd be mine forever. I was his first, but I won't be his last. Finally, I turn to look at him. He looks back at me and his eyes soften.
He whispers. He used to say my name in this way, in this special way, like I was a goddess, like he was afraid to touch me, or I'd disappear. He still has that affect over me.
"Do you love her?"
I ask him. My voice level, I don't look away for a second, desperately looking for a sign, anything.
I didn't expect it to feel this way. With a single word he changed everything. But I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I suddenly feel free.
"I'm sorry Isabel, I really am. I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't mean to love her not the way I loved you."
Oh, so he's using past tense now.
"I'm so sorry."
I look at him and my face softens. He is crying. I really do believe that he's sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me, because Alex would never do that, not on purpose.
"She makes me happy."
He says this as if it's an apology, as if it will explain why he did what he did.
And I understand. She made him happy in a way I couldn't, and I have to let him go. We're two different people; I was naïve to think it would work out.
"I don't deserve you."
"You were always too good to be true Isabel, you were a dream to me."
He's trying to explain.
"I guess you woke up."
I don't say it harshly, I hope it didn't come out that way.
"Isabel, I didn't mean it like that, OK? Please, don't make this harder than it already is."
He's pleading with me.
"Look Isabel, I loved you, I really did, and being with you was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. But, but things-"
"Are different now."
I finish his sentence.
"You always understood me Isabel, but Laura understands me too."
I assume Laura is the Swedish girl.
"She's a lot like you in a way. The way you used to be. That's part of the reason I love her."
"Look Alex, just don't tell me about the girl you've been sleeping with ok? Spare me the fuckin' details!"
I'm really mad now. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it still hurts.
"I'm sorry Isabel, I'm sorry."
He's crying. I feel so bad, I guess seeing him like this hurts me too. I don't know why, but suddenly he's in my arms, and I'm hugging him, like he's a little child, and I'm soothing him.
"Things change Alex."
I'm the one comforting him, when he cheated on me, he's the one that breaks down, and he's the one that cries.
I was never the emotional type.
Finally, he pulls away, I think he's a bit embarrassed. We look at each other for a while. Just studying each other's faces. We both know this is goodbye.
"I'm leaving tomorrow."
He tells me.
I say this as a pardon, I think he knows that I forgive him now, that things just happen, and I understand that.
He looks at me one last time, and gives me the gentlest kiss on the cheek.
It really is Goodbye.
A tear runs down my face. He wipes it away, ever so gently, as only he could. This is why I love him. For being the way only Alex can. He walks away just as the sun is finally setting. It's just like him, to fade away like that. To leave my life ever so gently, so smoothly, just like he came into it, almost unnoticed.
I whisper, but he's already gone.
I loved him; I really did, but things change. I forgive him, I really do. I even understand why he cheated on me.
Alex cheated on me. That was something I never excepted. He just wasn't the type. But I guess, after all, I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.
Alex fell in love with another woman. He made love to her and he left me. But at least I know. At least he told me; for that, I'll be forever grateful.
Alex cheated on me when he was away; he slept with another woman.
But what I'll never tell him,
Is that I did too.
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