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Reply to Nina or visit her websiteSent to the Roswell Slash Archive March 28, 2003
Category: Isabel/Xev , Crossover
Spoiler: 1x18 'Four Square' (Roswell) and 4x01 'Little Blue Planet' (Lexx - The Dark Zone)
Disclaimer: When it comes to Roswell and Lexx - The Dark Zone, I own nothing. Sad but true...
Author's Note: This one is dedicated to Brienchen for her hilarious Maria/Khivar-fic "Once Upon A Time". Thanks so much to Jodi for beta-reading.
The sun was shining. Birds were singing. An oversized moth crashed down to earth. For a short while one could have thought it was spinning or even lurching a bit, but now it was obviously tearing down rapidly. The girl behind the wheel stirred the gear stick impatiently, while making little squeaky sounds which when listening carefully, sounded like "Oh, oh... oh no!". Right before the impact, which would have been huge without a doubt, the insect decided to give in and slid lissomely over the surface, while making the indefinitely improbability drive look like a chimpanzee on rollerskates. Whether that was due to her sweet talk or her navigation skills that will forever remain in the dark, now the little squeaky sounds changed to an enthusiastic almost orgasmic "Oh, oh... oh yes!". This didn't change when the moth left the desert, mowed over a 'Welcome To Roswell - but anyway, just half a mile this way to McDonalds'-sign and finally ploughed through the yards of a middle-class residential quarter.
Isabel put on gloss - and good and proper! It was early in the morning, nevertheless she wanted to shout at her reflected image: "I'm so unbelievably beautiful!", which would have been a shameless understatement by the way. Unfortunately she found, she just couldn't as it would be far too emotional for her Icequeen image. That's why she turned to her brother.
"Max", she told him seriously, "I'm so unbelievably pretty!"
Looking out of the bathroom window, Max just nodded absent-minded. Did he just see a helicopter-sized moth racing down the street or did Tess warp his mind again?
"Isabel? Could you please... step on my foot or something like that?"
He still whimpered, when Isabel and him got in the Jeep. Isabel tossed her golden hair back. This day offered so many opportunities - and she hasn't decided yet on which to jump.
She could walk into Maria's dreams during geometry class and when she ran screaming to the parking lot, Isabel would follow her and they'd make out unrestrictedly on the backseat of Maria's Jetta.
She could tilt a cup of coffee over Liz's blouse, making her cry first because the coffee was so hot, but finally making her moan, when her own perfectly manicured fingers slid over the blot on Liz's cute little breasts and washed it away whiter than white.
She could invite Tess for a cherry coke and put so much extra-sugar in it, that Tess would start coughing with tears rolling down her face, which turned red, then blue and while watching, Isabel would caress Tess's cheek tenderly.
Perhaps she should cast lots? But why give up any of it? Isabel thought hard how to schedule in order to make it all work, when Max turned in the parking lot. Then she saw IT. Words like disgust, abhorrence, terror, shock would always remain empty hulls and could never explain her true intense feelings of sheer horror. To cut a long story short - it was plain disgusting. Michael and Maria leaned snogging and grappling on the Jetta's hood.
Max parked the car and without moving a muscle, Isabel rammed the door in Michael's back. Swearing and crying he jumped around in circles, massaging his spine. Completely relaxed Isabel sat down on the hood next to Maria and watched Michael's little dance. Finally Max came up to them and lined up right next to his sister.
"Well, Isabel... could that be, that you have... a little problem lately... and that you stand a bit beside you?" Max was pulling the spare-time shrink again.
"You got it, Max! My problem is standing right beside me!" Isabel replied in a sweet tone.
She stood up and walked with allocated steps into the school building, letting her brother alone with Maria, thinking about what the hell she meant.
"I always wanted to see the centre of the dark zone! I'd love to come with you, Xev. Together we'll explore that exotic little blue planet. Let's go immediately, Xev! Just you and me, Xev!"
Blah, blah, blah! Alright - Kai didn't really say it that way. As a dead serial killer he used less words. But what the hell did she get wrong when he said: "I'll come with you"? Subject. Verb. Object. Exclamation mark. Probably she should have started getting suspicious, when he - instead of walking right behind her to the shuttle port - went to his kryo-pod chamber. After all he didn't add "I'm just looking for my coat!". But seriously, what for did a dead man need a coat anyway?
Xev tried to pull herself together. Actually she had waited more than three hours at the moth for Kai to appear - but he didn't show with or without a coat. Maybe a love slave wouldn't lose her patience, but she wasn't just a love slave, but also a cluster lizard, and that part of her had been patient long enough! If Kai wasn't dead already, she now would have killed him painfully. But there was no use in wailing over it! For this man she blew up two planets and almost made a treaty with Prince. Even though Prince couldn't sing at all and looked more like Billy Idol after seeing a cheap mall hairdresser. But there was no use in swearing about it! Damn it. Shit. Screw him. And there was no use in being angry anyway! Aaarrrgghhh. Hmmmmppppfff. Bawl. Retch. Gurgle. Splash.
Splash? Wait a second!
Thinking about all the trouble, Xev forgot about the wheel and the moth crashed right through the large window of a little café. Now it worked itself through the counter and a wall, finally coming to a stop when its mouth got stuck in the kitchen. Splash and Oops.
"CrashIn is more suitable than CrashDown, don't you think?" did she hear a guest joking, who was almost on edge. Then she could hear another 'Splash', which came from a blow that hit the guest right into his face. The thug was a man, maybe in his forties, with tight Levis jeans and a cowboy hat which made him look like the prototype of Malboro Man. But Xev didn't know the advert, so she got out of the moth unsuspectingly. In the meantime the moth was eating the kitchen furniture.
"Damn it! This is my town and I don't like sarcasm early in the morning!" Malboro-Man yelled, turning the brim of his Stetson and pointed at the batch. If Xev could have read, she might have known by now, that it was Sheriff Valenti who stood in front of her. But she couldn't read, that's why her eyes were just following the blinking and glittering of the beautiful polished badge with pure fascination.
"Who the hell are you?" Valenti finally asked her.
Somehow Xev didn't like the demanding tone of his voice, but she decided to stay polite nevertheless.
"Well, I'm Xev, half a love slave, half a cluster lizard. I'm coming from the Lexx, the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes and the greatest starship ever built by His Divine Shadow!"
Irritated Valenti took off his hat and scrated his head. Somehow it seemed to be complicated how to deal with this information.
"So you're a... weather balloon?"
"Pardon? No! I just said, I'm Xev a love slave-cluster-lizard..." Xev tried again to tell him slowly.
"Yeah! You're a weather balloon!" Valenti exulted.
"She's a weather balloon!" The other guests joined in some kind of sing-sing, that reminded Xev of 790. She stared at them ghastly and gave up. This planet was even worse than all the others. All men here seemed stupid and with every minute it was more unlikely that she would ever find the sexual satisfactions she longed for since her transformation.
Don't dream your life, live your dream! The whole thing turned into a nightmare. Even after geography class, where Isabel polished and painted her fingernails, then successfully told Miss McClarnon that Germany is the capital of Stockholm, Isabel still felt this stale and bitter disgust on her tongue. Finally she decided to go to the restroom in order to brush her teeth and put on some more eyeliner.
"Isabel? Isabel!!! You can't go in there right now!" Max whispered hoarsely and pulled on her jacket.
A considering look should elicit more information from him.
"Liz is in there!"
Just for a tiny little moment Isabel asked herself whether Max would know about the silent subtext in her relationship with Liz. Thoughtfully she furrowed her brows. But that caused wrinkles and then it struck her that this was Max she was thinking about. How ridiculous to even consider he'd see anything that happened right in front of his eyes. Confirmed in her morals, Isabel tried to show her incomprehension by tapping impatiently with her left foot.
"She spies out Tess for us!" Max whispered conspiringly.
"In the restroom?"
"In the restroom!"
"Well, I'll enter the restroom now!"
Isabel pulled herself away from Max and stumbled into the restroom. Her first thought was, that hopefully nobody saw her moving so clumsily. But her second thought wasn't any more in-depth and went something like that: 'What the hell is this? A cloth? Since when are there crocheted cloths? Why is it MY heel that got caught in a crocheted cloth? And why does it lie there anyway?'
Panting Isabel staggered against the cold porcelain of the sink. Then she recognised that this crocheted cloth actually was Liz's sweater. A look in the mirror revealed the unbelievable: Despite Chanel's self tanning lotion she was deadly pale and it really was Liz, who - leaning against the cabinet's door - kneaded Tess's fat little butt passionately, while the petite blonde nibbled on her earlobe. Words like disgust, abhorrence, terror, shock would always remain empty hulls and could never explain her true inte- wait a second, we had that one already! Isabel hated to repeat herself, especially when it came to emotions.
Suddenly she removed her stilettos from the sweater that pulled a ladder immediately and got out of the restroom.
Rolling through town, Xev recognised people running screaming in the other direction. It might be her fault. Back in the Crashdown Café people already had dropped veiled hints about - abductions. Obviously this was a routine which was expected from aliens who visited this planet. Though she tried, she couldn't talk them out of it. Finally she rolled herself together like cluster lizards do and rolled out of the Café. Damn! Why were those people running and screaming so terribly? She didn't threaten to blow up the planet and feed its bits and pieces to the Lexx. That was something she had talked Stanley out of. Had they never heard about gratitude?
Xev unrolled, tugged at her tight bustier and put a strand of her honey blonde hair behind her right ear. Now she was just a girl in some kind of disco outfit and a henna tattoo. Nobody was running and screaming anymore. Jumping happily up and down, Xev continued her way through Roswell. Maybe an abduction wasn't such a stupid idea? People seemed to expect it. Her slowed down libido already had a bunch of ideas how experiments could look like. Xev licked her red lips sinfully and made a little squeaky sound.
It was set in stone: the first person, that she saw when opening her eyes again, would be her... victim. Happily Xev clapped her hands. Okay, on three - one, two, three. Eyes open!
The sun was dazzling her and her eyes watered. The source of light stepped out of the glistening fog. Tall. Blonde. Stunning figure. Another love slave??? Xev choked nervously. Then she saw one not so spectacular earthling on each side of the sexy blonde. Maybe she was a queen? Or a goddess? You shouldn't mess with authorities, that hardly ever ends well. For one second Xev hesitated. If she had even more patience with Kai... No! Screw that!
Xev pulled herself together and approached her victim. The cluster lizard was on the hunt!
"Hi!" She chirruped and raised her right hand quickly.
The Blonde scrutinized her coldly from head to toe. That didn't go well and not as planned either, Xev thought. Then she recognised that she haven't had a plan anyway. After all that was her very first abduction.
"So... I'm Xev, a love slave from B3K... that's a planet in the Light Zone... ahm... Hi again!"
Nervously she crossed her arms behind her back and played with her fingers.
"Oh my gosh!!! She wants to abduct you, Isabel!!!" Maria screamed hysterically.
Isabel didn't say anything and raised her right eyebrow.
"Just try not to think of abductions or anything related! If she sees those visions, it could encourage her to abduct you. Think of a white light surrounding you protectively! Perhaps she understands a telepathy message?" Alex suggested dryly.
Isabel didn't say anything and raised her left eyebrow.
From the corner of her eye she saw Michael approaching their little group. Oh please - not him! Another round of "Isabel, the fifth, sixth or x-th alien might reveal the secret of our home and legacy!" was something she couldn't stand right now. The day had been horrible already and if Isabel was honest, she desperately needed some distraction. The girl was cute. She had a funny little accent that sounded... German... and she didn't seem a threat at all. So, who was she to reject such a tempting offer?
"Alex, maybe you could go and look up further strategies in the Alien Abduction Survival Handbook? And Maria, honey - could you please get me an Alien Blast Milkshake with extra-sugar?"
Isabel smiled her most winning supermodel smile. That's why Maria didn't recognise that she was on the schoolyard not in the Crashdown and so she went to get Isabel's order.
"So, Xev... You want to abduct me and perform some experiments with and on me?" Isabel asked and whispered the word "experiments" softly and seductively in Xev's ear. The girl licked her lips again and nodded slowly.
"Well", Isabel got on business again. "Two things you need to know. First, I really hope this won't end in one of these 'They got locked up in the basement, a cupboard or a trunk during a blizzard and grew closer'-stories. That might have worked out with Kermit the frog and Jed Bartlet from 'The West Wing'. But with me, there's no chance in hell, darling! And secondly, is that really en vogue where you come from? That dress is terrible! We need to go to the mall."
"Why?" Xev asked confused, which was due to the fact that she didn't know neither Jim Henson nor shopping malls. She was completely right when she suspected that she might have looked pretty baffled.
"Do you really think, I'd even consider tearing that thing off of your body?" Isabel stated dryly and Xev asked herself, how she could have been so stupid. Luckily she got rid of her red wig sometime between Mantrid and the end of the universe. Without a doubt, that thing would have cost her even more fashion points in Isabel's eyes.
"Okay", she replied as coolly as possible.
Just thinking about getting teared off any clothes by Isabel made the love slave's heart go faster. Willingly Xev took the blonde goddess's hand and together they walked towards a bright, sexually fulfilled future.
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