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The End of the Continuity, 2/10

Reply to Nicole Anell or visit her website

Added to the Roswell Slash Archive June 25, 2001

The End Of The Continuity
Chapter: 2
By: Nicole Anell
Rating: PG
Pairing: parody
Disclaimer: See part one for complete headers. Also (thankfully) the song 'Lady Marmalade' is not mine.

**We are just where we've left off, only everything has been explained over the commercial break.**

MAX: So you're Tess from the future coming back so I can help you change the present, eh?

FUTURE TESS: I just said that.

MAX: NO! I don't believe you! Time travelling defies everything in physics and reality and most good science-fiction! (*Max jumps around the room and continues yelling incoherently. No one else in the house hears him*)

FUTURE TESS: Listen to me, Max! This is very serious! I knew I had to come back and only you could help me save the show...

MAX: Get out! Get out! Get out! You're not really Future Tess!

FUTURE TESS: ... so I stuck the phallic crystal into the Granilith and zoomed away!

MAX: (*stops yelling and looks confused*) Wait, doesn't the Granilith give you 24 hours?

FUTURE TESS: (*getting angry*) We adjusted it somehow! GOD!

MAX: Okay, sheesh, don't go all "Beastmaster" on me! I'm sorry.

FUTURE TESS: Max, just focus. You need to help me fall out of love with you. I've got it bad and that ain't good. Now, if I weren't the real deal from the future, I wouldn't be able to tell the future. But in two seconds, I will be outside your window singing the new cover of "Lady Marmalade" to you. Accompanied by a very large boombox.

**Just as she says this, some music and the words "Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister..." sung by L'il Kim and the gang start faintly drifting into the room. Max looks outside and sees present Tess, in full 19th century French prostitute garb, dancing and lip-synching next to said very large boombox.**

TESS: "She met Marmalade down in old New Orleans/ Struttin' her stuff on the street/ She said - Hello, hey Max, wanna give it a go?"

MAX: Oh, dear God in heaven. (*looks back at Future Tess*) I mean... so, uh, what are you doing here again?

FUTURE TESS: We have to change the future so you and Tess don't hook up.

TESS: "Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da...."

MAX: Fine by me. But why?

FUTURE TESS: (*takes a deep breath*) Okay, you were being very bitchy to everyone and driving them away, then I seduced you with black turtlenecks and other lavish gifts, then you got me pregnant in the town observatory and the baby was dying, then we thought we needed to go home. THEN it turned out me and Nasedo were really working with Khivar the whole time and y'all found out that I really mindwarped Kyle and Alex, like, five million times and I killed Alex. And then I mindwarped Kyle some more. And then - no wait - yes, some more again after that.

MAX: Wait, slow down - you killed Alex? I don't believe it.

FUTURE TESS: Well, of course not. I mindwarped you into not believing it just now.

MAX: I thought you saved us, like, a million times.

FUTURE TESS: That was a mindwarp.

MAX: But Nasedo was on our side and he died and-

FUTURE TESS: I think that might have been part of a mindwarp too. It's so hard to keep them straight.

MAX: and then the Skins kidnapped you that time and-

FUTURE TESS: Yeah, that was a mindwarp too.

MAX: But you were so nice to the Valen-

FUTURE TESS: Definitely a mindwarp.

MAX: And what about-

FUTURE TESS: Mindwarp.

MAX: I didn't even-

FUTURE TESS: Mindwarp.

MAX: Wait, but how-

FUTURE TESS: Mindwarp.

MAX: Jesus!


MAX: That doesn't make sense.

FUTURE TESS: That's what I'm trying to tell you, Max. If we don't change the future, it will lead to... The End Of The Continuity!

**Back to present Tess, gyrating madly.**

TESS: "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

MAX: Did she just say she wants to sleep with me?

FUTURE TESS: I didn't say it would be a piece of cake.

MAX: Gulp.

**This is the point where Max's competent parents would question the little blond girl having some sort of convulsive seisure outside their home, if Max had any competent parents. Luckily, an unseen caring neighbor has reported a disturbance of the peace, and so Tess and her boombox are dragged away screaming. (yes, the boombox is screaming as well. Christina Aguilera's section has begun)**

TESS: It was you, Max! I'm coming for you! There's somethin' about you! I want you to see me! You're my dreamboy!

**Max watches over this scene a minute, wondering if she'll need bail money, then abandons the thought, and goes back inside.**

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