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Explanation on Realisation (Sequel to One Crazy Moment)

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Posted to the RoswellSlash mailing list June 24, 2002

TITLE: Explanation on Realisation (Sequel to One Crazy Moment)
AUTHOR/E-MAIL: MME (maxmichaelevans@yahoo.com)
ARCHIVE: Yes
PAIRING: Max/Michael
RATING: PG
NOTES/SUMMARY: This seems like the right way to go, although I did feel like it didn't resolve anything.
DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to Katims and Metz, et al. I own nothing.
FEEDBACK: Please do so I know if and how I should continue.



        I was on my own sitting on top of the picnic table, in the park where Maria broke up with me. The ashes of the flowers I gave her lay on the floor like bits of shattered shadow ready to be blown away into the forgotten past.

        It was early in the morning; the light has already started creeping into the sky from its prison in the horizon. I looked up where the fading stars cast their final light for the time being on this world. I've been here since the incident last night, not sure what to make of it, not sure how I should act. I'm confused, like a rabbit being struck by headlights frozen from the unexpected event.

        I close my eyes, feeling the morning breeze play with my hair, and cast my thoughts back to last night...

***

        I found myself staring into Max's deep brown eyes, and him staring back. We were both breathing heavily, gasping for air that was life. I tried to file through my incomprehension of what just happened, like trying to find a needle in a haystack during heavy fog. Max sat up and blinked a few times trying to get rid of the last remnant of sleep.

        "Michael?"

        "Max." I replied automatically. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

        "What just..."

        I didn't know what to do, or say. I needed time to think so I acted as if nothing happened.

        "Max, I just came back and thought I check up on you. I must've woken you up in the process. Sorry."

        I stood up and started walking away.

        "Mike?"

        I turned my head around, those brown eyes still as deep as they always have been. I was facing confusion, both on Max and mine.

        "Did something just..." he paused, probably waiting for some kind of response from me but I had none.

        "Nothing, I must've... dreamt it."

        He lay back on the couch and closed his eyes.

        "Go back to sleep Maxwell."

        I left.

***

        I instinctively came into the park. I've been here since last night just thinking and thinking. I want to stop thinking, but the more I try the more I thought about Max and the events that led us all up to here, the adventures we had -a rocky road that made our lives so different yet so interesting. The sky has lit up with the morning rays which tinted the world to blue, a calming blue, like being under water.

        Last night was the best and worst night I've ever had. I lost the last person I was in love with, but from it I gained something that I thought would always to out of my reach. To eat the forbidden fruit, to kiss Max, a kiss stolen from my desires. I didn't even know how he felt about it; if he really knew what had took place.

        I won't tell him though, I have already lost Maria and I can't lose what I have left with Max.

        The park begins to fill with more people. There's a guy with his dog out for a walk on the far side obviously enjoying the morning breeze and the morning air. There is another guy on his morning workout jogging round them wearing nothing but tight bicycle shorts. I need to resolve my situation, straighten out my emotions yet I still don't want to think. This people were just distracting me from my cause so I lay back on the table and stared up into the sky instead. Another clear day, seems wrong since I was feeling messed up inside.

        I heard footsteps walking towards me, probably a couple who wants to use the table that I'm taking up. Tough, they should go find some piece of grass somewhere else.

        "Michael..."

        Max? I opened my eyes and turn my head in the direction of the voice. Max was standing there in a dark red t-shirt and jeans, hands in his pocket.

        "Maxwell."

        "I couldn't sleep last night and I heard you come out. I heard what happened."

        I sat up on the table and Max came and sat next to me looking in the far distant like I did straight ahead. A moment pass and I looked at him.

        "What did you hear?"

        He momentarily looked at me, squinting his eyes a little from the light and look straight ahead again.

        "I couldn't sleep and I just looked at the ceiling until early this morning. Liz called me. She told me Maria broke up with you and she wanted to see if you're okay."

        I looked straight ahead again.

        "I'm fine." I said a bit too harshly.

        "What happened?"

        "Well Maxwell, it didn't work out. She wanted a normal life and she doesn't believe that I can give her one. She can't pursue her love for music without all this alien business. She's got a choice because she's human." I looked down on the floor "Unlike us."

        Max had put his arms around my shoulders and gave it a squeeze.

        "I know. We are all trying to live a normal life on this planet. Especially Isabel, but it seems our past life is haunting us every step of the way."

        I looked at him looking at me.

        "I can't live without you or Isabel. We part of each other and we're all we've got. No one else matters, no one else should. We should never be apart. Last night, I finally realised how important you are to me, you and Isabel."

        He moved his hand off my shoulder and placed it on my hand. I stared at us holding hands. It felt strange, it felt right.

        "What... what about Liz?" I muttered.

        Max removed his hand and got off the table. He stuck both his hands back in his pockets and looked ahead again.

        "Liz? Liz said she's committed to me but she is still human. She deserves a normal life, a normal human life. I refused..." He turned and looked at me, tears welling up in his eyes as he talked

        "I refuse that she continues to live like this. It's tearing her life apart, screwing it up. I think we always wish we were human..." I knew what Max was feeling, we grew up too quickly and everything would be a lot less complicated if we never had this alien thing to begin with. It might be useful at times but was it really worth it? "...I wish I were human, but we're not. Liz has a choice. I have to let her go."

        Max sat next to me and he looked down on the floor. A couple of butterflies flew past us in their little world playing an odd game of catch, dancing around in patterns only they understand. It was my turn to put my hand on his shoulders. I gave it a squeeze. I startled as realisation set in, Max has decided to break up from Liz! This doesn't make sense, why is he doing this?

        "Max, you don't need to do that. Liz loves you and would walk to the end of the Earth for you. You're very lucky to have found someone like that."

        Max gave me a bitter-sweet smile. A smile filled with pain and realisation, of finally reaching a decision.

        "I know that. She's prepared to die for me..." he paused in thought "but I'm not prepared to let her do that. It's not fair to her. I'm not in love with her anymore."

        I felt surprised and so shocked, I never expected this? Max and Liz are the perfect couple, my light at the end of the tunnel. If anyone could make a relationship work it'll be them with everything they've gone through.

        "Michael, I'm not in love with her anymore. I... I thought she was the one I loved but... When Liz broke up with me, the part of me that loved Liz died. I couldn't handle it. That's the reason Tess and me were together. She was always there for me, supported me in everything I did. I never loved Tess either but I thought I did as I tried to fill that empty void Liz created with Tess."

        "Max..." I didn't know what to say. The morning started off being about me now ended being about Max. It always seems to be this way. Some reason Max's problem always overshadows mine; he always has a higher mountain to climb.

        "When we found out what Tess did, I freaked. I suddenly realised Tess didn't mean a thing to me. I also felt angry and hurt that she was just using me after all the trust I gave her. After that, Liz automatically became my constant companion and I thought she's the one I want to be with. It made sense then, she's the one I fell in love with first and now I have a chance to be with her again. She's the one that everyone expected me to be with."

        Max stood up and kicked the air as if playing with an invisible football. He had his hands back in his pockets. He looked up at me; the tears in his eyes were gone, now he just looked tired.

        "I don't love her Michael, I stopped loving her since she broke up with me. That part died and it doesn't matter what she does or how I try, it can't be revive. The dream I had last night made me realised this... and that I was in love with someone else."

        I didn't expect this. I really didn't and I didn't know how to respond so I ask the first question that popped into my mind.

        "Who is it Max? Who is it your in love with?"

        He didn't say anything, just looked up at the sky, clear blue except for the few strands of clouds forming into incomprehensible shapes, swirling like galaxies.

        "Not yet Mike, I need time to think about this... new founded discovery."

        That was fine with me too. I need to think about what I want. Unfortunately, the episode last night didn't cure my desire, but drives me on for more, addicted.

        "Max, thanks for being here."

        He chuckled.

        "Sorry, I was pouring my heart out instead of listening to yours. How did that happen?"

        I smiled and looked around. The park had filled up considerably since the last time I looked - mothers with babies, old couples feeding the ducks, men walking with their dogs. It was getting busy.

        I looked back at Max.

        "Like it always does Maxwell. Everything is about you in the end."

        That was meant as a joke but Max took it seriously. As I got off the table Max looked worried and shocked, in distress.

        "Michael, I didn't..."

        "Joke, Maxwell. Lighten up!"

        I slapped him on the back and put my arms over his shoulders and started dragging him out of the park. I had to leave, go somewhere else, had enough of parks for one day.

        "I'm starving Maxwell! I haven't had breakfast yet. Burger?"

        Max smiled at me and the day became even brighter if that was possible. He should do that more often. His smile is infectious and I couldn't help but smile back.

        "Sure!"

        We walked off forgetting our worries for a while, talking about unimportant things. Just two guys out for some food, without the weight of the world. The day stayed the same, clear sky with bright sunlight. Maybe another clear day didn't seem so wrong in the end - Max and me were together... in a way.

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