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Lost Wishes

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Posted to the RoswellSlash mailing list August 21, 2002

Title: Lost Wishes (1/1)
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG
Personal Site: http://glimmershine.tripod.com
Archive: Yes to list archives. Others ask.
Pairing: Tess/Liz
Summary: Tess wishes. It doesn't come true. (in-ep for 'Four Aliens and a Baby')
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.



        She wishes it all could've been different.

        She wishes she hadn't met such hostility after she arrived.

        She wishes Nacedo hadn't made that deal.

        She wishes she hadn't killed Alex.

        Most of all, she wishes Liz loved her.

        It's a horrible thought, a thought that goes against destiny and sense and all of Liz's ideals. She could never love such a terrible person. Really, she could never love anyone but Max.

        But Tess still wishes.

        Part of her thought the wish came true when Liz voted not to turn her in. She felt warmth, hope - like Liz could care about her. And part of her made all these plans, imagined all these days with Liz, considered a life together.

        But reality stepped in. And she knew it was just that Liz couldn't send anyone to their death with a clear conscience.

        She couldn't kill someone, not even someone she hated.

        Tess made a decision in that moment of realization. And she knows she can't take it back. She knows she has to fulfill the only destiny she has left.

*

        She watches Liz as she sleeps, peace despite the looming darkness and strong possibility of turmoil. She imagines running her fingers through her hair, Liz moaning her name into the night. Softness of fingers, wetness of tongues. Words of love mixed with hard breathing. It all comes together in this delicate package that'll never be opened.

        But she has to push out the thoughts; she can't delay this for any longer.

        She has to get it over with.

        She has to get out of here.

        After she drinks in Liz Parker for a little while longer.

*

        She wakes her up by saying her name. Liz's eyes meet hers, confusion evident. She asks her 'why' and Liz confirms suspicions of her piety.

        It makes Tess love her even more.

        Liz agrees to drive her; Tess can't think of anyone that she'd rather spend her last moments with. Even if it is in silence tinged with anger and doubt. Even if Liz doesn't care, doesn't want to be near her, doesn't give a damn about her...

        She still wishes. And she still loves.

        She says it in-between the lines, in-between the stilted conversation and awkward silences. She says, "I love you, Liz." She doubts that Liz can hear her. And, if she could, she doubts that she would care.

        She leaves Liz without drama or emotion. But inside her a storm rages, a storm of love and pain, of all the things that she didn't have.

        Of all the wishes that will never come true.

        Of all the wishes she didn't even pursue.

        Of all the things that kept her from being happy.

        Because she knows that if she didn't have destiny, or Nacedo's deal, or Max, she could go for Liz. Go for what she's always really wanted. Go for what she's never had.

        Go for love.

        But she did have all those things, all those chains of duty and destiny. And they ruined her. Ruined all her chances. Ruined the relationships that she had with those who cared about her. Ruined any tenuous bond that she and Liz shared.

        Ruined everything.

        She ruined everything.

        But she wasn't going to let herself ruin the others. At least not more than she already has.

        Maybe that'll make Liz think of her as something other than an evil bitch. Or so she wishes.

*

        She doesn't feel the explosion; it's too quick, too enormous, too all encompassing.

        The last thing that she thinks about before letting nothingness engulf her is Liz. Her eyes, her mouth, her intelligence, her passion.

        Just her.

        "I love you, Liz."

        And then, gone forever. Without any lost wishes left to sacrifice.

        THE END

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