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Always Tried to Lie
Reply to Michelle K. or visit her websitePosted to the RoswellSlash mailing list September 6, 2002
Title: Always Tried to Lie (1/1)
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Archive: Yes to list archives. Others ask.
Spoilers: through 'Four Aliens and a Baby'
Summary: Liz has never really been honest with anyone.
Disclaimer: "Roswell" belongs to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, UPN. Lyrics (and title) are from 'People in the Sky' by Peter Salett.
"I've always had unspoken passions
And I've always tried to lie"
She feels guilty.
She shouldn't feel this bad about Tess dying. Tess proved that she was everything that Liz suspected her to be.
Tess was nothing. She'd always be nothing.
And Liz wonders if she'll always have to think about her.
She wonders if it'll ever stop.
The thoughts began the first time she met Tess. There was something about the girl, something foreign and enticing. She didn't understand it. She didn't understand why imagining Tess' lips pressing against her own would make her hands quiver.
When she did understand, when it occurred to her that she might have feelings for Tess - feelings of sexual attraction, feelings of almost love - she realized that what she felt was simply, insanely wrong.
And she knew that such feelings would screw everything up. She knew that such feelings weren't part of who she was.
She couldn't want Tess.
It just wasn't Liz Parker. Liz Parker was good, honest, madly in love with Max Evans.
She couldn't want Tess.
But something told her that loving Tess was intricately tattooed on her insides.
Something whispered in her ear, "This is who you are." She yelled back, she screamed, she told herself...
Tess was nothing. Tess was disposable. Tess should be her enemy.
She tried to hate her. Such a feeling was expected, after all. Tess wanted her boyfriend, her destiny.
She hated her. She convinced everyone. Everyone except for herself.
She couldn't even hate her after what happened with Alex. Deep down, she knew it wasn't something Tess wanted to do.
Out loud, she told them all what she thought of Tess.
They all believed her.
Liz thought she'd never have to deal with it again after Tess left. She wasn't coming back. No one had to know what really ran through her mind when thoughts of Tess came calling.
Then, Tess had to return.
When she nearly blasted Tess across the room, no one batted an eye. It would've made them sick to know what her first instinct had been. They would've hated her if they knew how much she wanted to put her arms around her and say, "I know it wasn't your fault. I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen."
They would've hated her. So, she acted out in violence.
But even the rest of them couldn't make her want to see Tess dead. She couldn't do it. She couldn't look into her eyes and say, "I want you gone."
She couldn't lie that well, even though she considered herself a master.
She knows she'll always remember that night - every tiny moment. She knows she'll never forget Tess waking her in the middle of the night, blue eyes shining through the dark. She'll never lose the memory of Tess sitting in the passenger seat.
The most beautiful person she'd ever seen. She wanted to tell her then, tell her everything she'd been keeping inside.
But she couldn't. She didn't.
When she heard the blast, she knew she'd never get another chance.
She wanted to cry.
But she didn't. And she never wants to.
"I love you, Liz," Max says, his eyes shining with love.
This should make her happy. This should make her tremble and melt.
At the very least, it should make her feel something. But it all feels empty.
Even as she returns the words of love, even as Max's mouth covers her own, even as his arms wrap around her in a comforting embrace...
Even as everything happens, it still feels like nothing.
When they make love, it's sweet and gentle. It's everything she's supposed to want, but all she thinks about is what it would've been like with Tess.
She imagines her fingers like fire, her mouth as sex, every part of her pure perfection.
As his body is pressed against her own, all she can think about is Tess. How her body would've been softer, more warm and comforting. It would've felt right, even if everyone around her thought it was wrong.
"I love you," Max says again.
"I love you, too," she replies.
In her head, she repeats a familiar set of words.
That's what Liz knows she is now. Because she acts like Tess meant nothing. She acts like her death was meaningless. She acts like Max's love solves everything.
She acts like she's in love with the person she's with.
She acts like she's happy.
She lies. She convinces everyone. Everyone except herself.
Sometimes, she hates herself for being too self-aware.
But she still loves Tess.
Sometimes, that makes her hate herself even more.
And she feels guilty.
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