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Realization

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Added to the Roswell Slash Archive August 8, 2001

TITLE: Realization
AUTHOR: Marie
E-MAIL: Lovesbitch84@yahoo.com
FEEDBACK: Please, please, please
DISTRIBUTION: Please email me with a link and it's yours
SPOILERS: Depature
CONTENT: Liz POV, Slash, Liz/Tess
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I do not own or have any rights to Roswell. I am only a fan



       I'm Liz Parker and I realized something today. I'm in love with Tess Harding.

       God, I should hate her. I mean, she killed Alex and almost betrayed Max, Michael and Isabel. But I still love her, as twisted as that sounds.

       This is so confusing. There are so many questions shooting through my mind right now and I don't have a answer for a single one of them. Maybe if I go back to the beginning I'll be able to figure this out. But I don't even know were to begin. Do I start the first time I saw her? After she came back from New York? After she slept with Max?

       It's probably best to start after she left. It seems like an odd place to begin, but I didn't realize how I felt about her until after she was gone. It took her leaving for me to realize how I felt for her.

       Maybe it's best this way, it's not like I'm ever going to see her again. I don't even know how I would react if she came back.

       That would be unbearable. To see her there, seeing how Max and Michael and Isabel and everyone would treat her. The screaming and the yelling and the hate. I wouldn't be able to see her going through that pain. And that's sick because I should feel the same way they do. She deserves much worse than anything Max would give her. But she's not coming back and that moment will never happen.

       Tess is smart enough to know not to come back here.

       But I'm getting ahead of myself. That's the future. Right now I have to focus on the past and maybe I can get over this.

       She left so fast. She was just gone, on the way back to her home planet with Max's unborn son. And Max told me he loved me. And I didn't know what to say. I couldn't get the words out of my throat. I had the strangest feeling of emptiness fill me.

       I didn't realize that I missed her until several days later. The gang and I were at the Crashdown and Max was telling us his idea to get his son back. None of us had the heart to tell him that that plan would probably never work. He was so set on getting him away from her. I didn't blame him for wanting to get him back but I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt to hear him talk about it.

       So I dazed out and blocked out the conversation. My thoughts finally ended up on Tess. It made sense seeing how she was the main topic in all our discussions over the last few days. But it was that moment that I realized the empty feeling I had been having since she was left was because of her. Because I missed her.

       I rose shakily from the booth I was sharing with Max, Michael and Maria and told them I felt sick. I was in my apartment before any of them could say anything. I don't know how long I spent in silence. At some point I had made my way to my bed and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon staring at the ceiling.

       I didn't want to accept that I missed Tess. I was supposed to hate her. I made myself think of all the horrible things she had done but none of it helped. At some point my parents came to the door and asked if I wanted anything to eat.

       By the time the sun set and spilled the darkness of night into my room I had gone over a million events in my brain.

       When Tess was still here I had never given myself a chance to think about how I felt towards her. She was my competition for Max. I wasn't supposed to be buddy buddy with her. And she killed Alex. I wasn't supposed to miss a murderer!

       I didn't get much sleep that night, all my dreams had her in them and I woke in cold sweats. I was scared and I didn't know why. Maybe, somewhere deep in the back of my brain, I realized how close I was to finding out the real truth on how I felt for her.

       Over the next week I found myself daydreaming about her smile, her eyes and memories that I shouldn't remember. I forced myself to remember that she had killed Alex and how close she came to betraying my friends. And I would say the same words over and over again when I was alone in my room. That I hated her. That she was evil. That I was glad she was gone.

       I didn't mean one of them. They were only words.

       I realized I was in love with Tess as quickly as I realized I missed her. I had been in my room reading a book Alex had lent me a short time before his death. I wasn't even thinking about her really. Although it was difficult not to when I held Alex's book in my hand. You couldn't think of one without the other.

       And then the voice was screaming in my head. That little voice I had kept locked away in the back of my brain for God knows how long.

       I love Tess.

       Three words. One meaning.

       And I only could think three more words for twenty minutes afterwards.

       Oh my God.

       And then a million words and thoughts and questions rushed into my brain demanding answers that I didn't have.

       I kept asking myself how could I be in love with her. I mean, I wasn't gay. At least I didn't think I was. I had never been attracted to any other girls and I liked guys, especially Max. I tried to convince myself that I didn't love her and that I was just jealous of her because she had slept with Max. But you can't lie to yourself. I couldn't understand why I love her, I still don't. She was evil, right?

       That was last night. And I'm still confused as hell and writing in you didn't help. I still love her. Not that I really expected a nice, quick answer on how to get over her. Love doesn't work that way. And I'm not really sure I want to get over her.

       So I'm going to leave it at this because there's really nothing left to say.

       I'm Liz Parker and I'm in love with Tess Harding.

       The End

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