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Lucid

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Added to the Roswell Slash Archive June 2, 2001
Title: "Lucid"
Author/pseudonym: Lucy
Fandom: The Forsaken.
Pairing: Sean/Nick.
Rating: NC-17.
Status: New, complete.
Archive: No.
E-mail address for feedback: lucy_fur1@yahoo.ca
Series/Sequel: None.
Other website: http://members.tripod.ca/~angelspace/Lucy.html
Disclaimer: Not mine, although they bloody well _should_ be, after all this.
Summary: Back in LA, Sean's life has finally returned to normal. An unexpected visitor is about to change all that.
Warnings: Not beta'd. I love having a fandom all to myself. Thought I could stop, but I can't; it's like a disease, you know? Songfic; "I Love You" is by Sarah McLachlan. Set several months after the end of the movie - which I am hoping will come to dvd _soon_.



        "Are you still here, Sean?"

        Sean blinked, trying to make his eyes see anything but the lingering afterimage of blurry pixels in the dark room. Several hours straight of staring at the computer screen hadn't resulted in his turning the trailer for "Vampire Vixens 3" into the next "Schindler's List," unfortunately - it was still only half-cut.

        Lisa, the latest UCLA film school grad student recruited to work for next to nothing editing B-grade horror film trailers in exchange for the "life experience" credit, hovered over his shoulder. "It's after midnight. I thought I was the only one crazy enough to still be here at this hour."

        Sean stretched, trying to work out the cramp in his neck brought on by sitting four hours in one position. "Didn't have a better offer, and if I don't get this finished tonight, I'll get fired."

        "Again?" Lisa dimpled a grin at him, and he smiled back. It was true; he got fired - or quit - every other week or so, and was re-hired - or came back - because he was good at his job and there was nothing else he really wanted to do.

        "Yeah." He sighed, hitting a key on the board in front of him.

        "Well, I'm about to go home. You want a ride, or are you going to stay here all night?"

        He looked at her, trying to decide if this was a come-on or a genuinely friendly offer. He couldn't tell, from the look on her face - she was friendly, he knew, but she looked a little hopeful, too. Still, his car had crapped out yet again on the way to work that morning, and it wasn't like she wasn't pretty, and nice, and another couple of hours staring at the rough cut of "Vampire Vixens 3" would serve no purpose other than to drive him completely out of his skull, so he nodded and shut down the machine. "Sure," he said. "Thanks."

        Her entire face lit up. "Great," she said. "I'll go get my stuff." She paused in the doorway, as if to make sure that he wouldn't change his mind while she was gone. "Be right back."

        He smiled at her, wondering what exactly it was about him that made her even give him the time of day - she'd been trying to "make friends" with him from the day she started in the temp position, just like the two students before her had, and his indifference to their attention hadn't dissuaded any of them from trying. It wasn't that he wasn't interested in them in particular; it was more like he wasn't interested in much of anything in his life, these days.

        Life - everything about it - all just seemed so unreal, like "Vampire Vixens 3" itself: a pale, shlocky, under-lit imitation of reality. Vampires in movies were never anything like the real thing - and the fact that he knew that now coloured everything else in his life. It was making him anti-social, a loner, a fringe dweller, just like -

        "Ready?"

        Lisa had her backpack and had applied a fresh coat of lip gloss, bubble-gum pink. It suited her. Sean grabbed his jacket and shrugged into it, and followed her out of the now-quiet building.

        It was cool out, the street quiet and pretty much deserted, and they quickly walked the block or so to where Lisa's car was parked.

        "So," she said, digging keys out of her purse. "I don't suppose you'd want to go get a drink somewhere? Maybe talk? I'd love to ask you some questions about the stuff you've worked on."

        He shrugged. He didn't really feel like it, but he didn't really feel like going home and staring at those same four walls for the next couple of hours, either. "Sure. That would be - "

        He didn't get a chance to finish his thought before he heard his name called.

        "Sean."

***

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road
we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

***

        It was like something out of a movie; one second, it was just the two of them standing on a deserted street, and the next, a figure emerged from the shadows into the pool of light thrown by the nearest street lamp. Sean knew, even before he saw him, just who it was that had spoken his name - he'd have known that voice anywhere, and the tone, even if it had been thirty years since he'd last heard it, rather than three months.

        Three months. By all rights, he should have been expecting Nick to show up right about now. After all, everything always seemed to happen in three-month cycles, with them: Three months Sean spent looking for Nick along deserted highways in the heartland of America after they killed Kit, three months it took them to hunt Nick's Forsaken and kill him, and now, three months since Nick had disappeared, the night after he'd been cured of the vampire virus.

        He looked just the same as he had the last time Sean saw him - he was even dressed the same, in worn jeans and a wifebeater and an unbuttoned shirt, the same dog tags hanging around his neck, the same leather backpack slung over one shoulder. Sean wondered what he put in it, now that he didn't need it to carry the drugs.

        Lisa was still standing by the car, keys in her hand, looking from Sean to Nick and back again. When neither one of them spoke again, she broke the awkward silence by holding her hand out to Nick. "Hi," she said. "I'm Lisa."

        "Nick," he said, taking her hand without taking his eyes away from Sean's.

        "What are you doing here?" Sean asked.

        Nick shrugged, and smiled. "Looking for you."

        "Well, congratulations, you found me." Sean finally broke the eye contact between them, and turned to smile over-brightly at Lisa. "You ready to go get that drink?"

        "Sure," she said, frowning a little at his obviously forced good mood. "You want to join us, Nick?"

        "He can't," Sean said, at exactly the same time that Nick smiled and said, "Sure, that would be great."

        It was Sean's turn to frown, and Nick added, "I don't want to horn in on your date, though."

        "It's not a date," Lisa said, a little too quickly. "We're just friends. We work together, you know, colleagues," she added, quite obviously embarrassed by Nick's premature assumption and her own less-than-smooth explanation of things. "Please, come with us." She managed to get the door unlocked and reached across to pop the passenger door lock, too.

        Sighing inwardly, Sean pushed the seat forward to let Nick in the back, doing his best not to react at all as Nick climbed in, completely ignoring any semblance of personal space by brushing his entire body against Sean's as he did so. Sean slammed the seat back and got in the car. The mood inside was strained as Lisa drove them the ten minutes or so to the club; Sean couldn't manage to contribute anything to the conversation, although Nick more than made up for his silence, drawing Lisa into a friendly banter. By the time they made it to the club, they were practically bosom buddies.

        The club itself was an after-hours jazz joint, all mood atmosphere and quiet corners. They piled into a booth near the stage, where a trio was playing something Sean didn't recognize. They all ordered coffee, in deference to Lisa, who was driving, and Sean once again found himself on the outside of the conversation between Lisa and Nick. Instead, he spent his time trying to observe the guy without seeming completely obvious about it - as if he could figure out, by simple proximity, what had happened to Nick and why he was here. And, more importantly, why figuring Nick out mattered so much to him.

        After about forty-five minutes - and having said approximately a dozen words in all, Sean broke in on the animated conversation between Lisa and Nick. "I've really got to go," he said, standing up. "It's late, and I'm exhausted. Besides, I should probably go in to work tomorrow, and get that trailer finished."

        "On Saturday? You are dedicated," Lisa said. When Nick stood, too, she added, "You don't have to go, too, do you?"

        "I don't have anywhere I have to be," he said, grinning at her. "As a matter of fact, other than the two of you, I don't even know anyone in L.A."

        "It's a good thing you found us, then," she smiled. "Where are you planning on staying?"

        Nick opened his mouth, but Sean spoke before he could answer. "With me," he said, grimacing slightly, earning a smile from Nick, and a somewhat less-genuine version from Lisa.

        "Oh," she said, and Nick just shrugged at her. "Do you want me to give you guys a ride?"

        "No, thanks, we don't want to put you out," Sean said. "We can get a cab."

        "All right, then," she said. "I guess I'll see you at work on Monday, then, Sean. Nick, it was a pleasure to meet you. I hope you'll be sticking around L.A. for a while."

        "Yeah, me too," Nick said, moving slightly so he could let her out of the booth.

        Sean went to the bar to use the phone, turning his head back towards the table just in time to see Lisa slip Nick a folded-up napkin he was sure held her telephone number.

***

it's just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles
let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

***

        "You weren't very nice to her."

        Sean just snorted. "Well, you more than made up for my rudeness, didn't you?"

        The cab ride was going to just about take care of the last of this week's pay, most of which had already been sucked up by the garage that was working on his car, which meant he was going to have to walk or hitch to work until it was fixed or he got paid again, whichever came first. Nick was slouched across most of the back seat, once again encroaching on Sean's personal space, his right foot brushing against Sean's left ankle. The knapsack rested on the seat in between them, and even that was an irritant to Sean, for some reason.

        "Someone had to," Nick said, mildly. "You didn't have to ask me to stay. I could have found somewhere else - "

        "Oh, I know," Sean said, and reached over to pluck the corner of the napkin that was still protruding from Nick's shirt pocket. "I didn't do it for you, believe me."

        "Still in the habit of rescuing damsels in distress?"

        "That was your specialty, not mine." Sean leaned forward. "This is the place," he said to the driver, who pulled over.

        Nick waited expectantly while Sean paid the driver, then followed him up to the fourth-floor walk-up. "No wonder you were so at home in all those cheap-ass motels," he said, when he got a look at Sean's place.

        It was a small - very small - bachelor apartment, nothing more than one room, really, plus a bathroom. A bed and dresser filled in one corner, a tiny kitchenette made up the far wall, plus a tv and a couple of chairs and a small table, and that was it.

        "You should have seen it back when I had a roommate," Sean said, and headed straight for the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning back against it once he was inside. He didn't know why he was doing this, what Nick was doing here, and why he was letting him stay, for god's sake. He'd invited him only to get him away from Lisa, fully intending to ditch him somewhere on the street and let him fend for himself. Nick was a resilient guy, who no doubt would have had no problem talking someone into lending him a bed for the night, and it was only the thought that he might do it to Lisa that had caused Sean to bring him back here.

        Or so he told himself, anyway.

        Nick was reclining comfortably across the bed, leaning back on his elbows, when Sean emerged from the bathroom. There weren't any lights on in the apartment, but there didn't need to be; there were enough lights from the street to make it bright enough to read at night, practically - flashing red and blue signs from the liquor store and all-night laundromat on the corner lit the room in garish, strobe-like hues.

        "You haven't asked me why I'm here," Nick said.

        Sean had afforded a defensive posture, back straight and arms crossed over his chest, in direct opposition to Nick's relaxed sprawl. "Yeah, I did."

        "No," Nick corrected him. "You asked me why I came, but you haven't asked me _why_ I was looking for you."

        "You're assuming I care." Nick just grinned knowingly at him, so Sean bit. "Why were you looking for me, Nick?"

        "I wanted to tell you something."

        "Okay." Again, there was no response from Nick but a smile. "What?" Sean asked, irritated.

        "I love you."

        Sean snorted, startled and yet not. "Well, you've told me," he said.

        "Yeah, I did."

        "So, you can go now, right? Back wherever you came from - back wherever you've been these last three months."

        "I've been travelling," Nick said, in answer to the unasked question. "Thinking. About you, and me."

        "And you finally came to this big realization and had to come and find me, right?"

        "Right."

        "Bullshit!" The fact that he could only see Nick's face every other second, in a red or a blue haze, was driving Sean to distraction. He crossed the room and opened the tiny fridge, pulling out a beer he was surprised was even in there, amongst the half-empty condiment jars and moldy cheese. Twisting off the cap, he tossed it in the general direction of the trash can. "You had to take three months to talk yourself into loving me?"

        "Something like that. Why, how long did it take you?" Nick asked, over his shoulder. He lifted the beer out of Sean's hands and took a long swallow.

        "Just about as long as it took you to fuck me that night," Sean answered, pained. "Remember? It was the night we killed your Forsaken - the night before the morning I woke up and found you gone."

        "I remember."

        "You could have stayed. You could have said something then."

        "Like what? 'Fucking you was great, Sean, but I don't know what this means?' How do you think that would have made you feel?"

        "At least it would have been honest." Sean shook his head, still pained at the memory. "I guess walking away was just easier for you."

        Nick bit into his lush bottom lip, reddening it with his teeth. "I watched you, that whole night," he said, finally. "I didn't sleep at all; I just watched you sleep. I knew you were in love with me - I knew you knew it, and I knew that I couldn't be there when you woke up in the morning, and have you look at me and know that I was afraid - of you and your love."

        "So, instead, you left, and I woke up alone. And I waited in that fucking motel room for three days, paying day after day after day until even the fucking manager told me she didn't think you were coming back." Sean shook his head. "Jesus Christ, Nick."

        "I know."

        "No," Sean said, his voice a seething whisper. "You don't fucking know."

        "Yes, I do, because I was in a motel room two thousand miles from here when I finally realized that I loved you and I'd fucked it all up - and then I realized that I'd have to find you, and convince you to listen to me, after everything I did to you, and everything I didn't do. So, when I say that I know, I mean, I know." Forcing Sean to turn around and face him, Nick pressed forward, pushing Sean back against the cabinets in the kitchenette.

        The kiss was hard and hungry, and reciprocated by both men. There was more than a little anger in it, too, and Sean pushed back as hard as Nick, forcing him away.

        "I can't do this again," Sean said, the taste of Nick still hot and wet on his lips.

        "You can," Nick said. "You want to." He stepped closer. "I'm not leaving."

        "Fuck," Sean breathed.

        "Yeah," Nick agreed.

***

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

***

        They didn't even make it the few steps to the bed; when Nick kissed him again, Sean's knees collapsed and he went down on the dingy linoleum, taking Nick with him. His hands were tangled in the hair curled at the back of Nick's neck, and in the cloth of his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders. He had to break the kiss to get rid of the wifebeater, though, and his mouth moved down to Nick's nipples, his hands roaming restlessly over Nick's stomach, dipping low against the waistband of his jeans. He found the buttons there and pulled them open, pushing down pants and boxers as far as he could.

        Unencumbered, Nick surged forward on his knees, urging Sean's legs apart, pushing his back hard against the smooth, cool surface of the mini-fridge. His hands scrabbled against the fastenings of Sean's clothes, tearing them open everywhere he could reach and tossing clothing to the four corners of the room, until their naked bodies pressed together from head to toe.

        Sean gasped when Nick lifted him onto his thighs, cock seeking entrance into his body. He threw his head back and opened his mouth wide, like it would somehow help - and the howl that ripped from his throat when he felt Nick thrust inside was so primal and so full of pain that it startled them both out of their almost frantic coupling and into a sudden stillness.

        Sean could barely breathe, and couldn't see at all, eyes shut tight, clutching at Nick with his hands and his body, trying to hold on to him any way he could, trying to keep the hollowed-out ache of him inside. Nick kissed him on the mouth, softly, over and over, whispering words that Sean couldn't seem to hear for a long time, until his breathing slowed and he managed to open his eyes.

        "It's okay," Nick said, for the thousandth time.

        "It isn't," Sean said, wincing around the raw feeling in his throat, like he'd swallowed a few shards of broken glass.

        "It will be." Nick shifted, and Sean grabbed him, again, to make sure that he wouldn't go anywhere. "Easy," Nick said. "I just want to - "

        "No," Sean said. He pushed forward again, wrapped his arms around Nick's neck hard enough to bruise the flesh, and started to move.

        Nick was still inside him, and he groaned when Sean started to fuck himself on Nick's cock, slow and smooth. It was impossible to maintain that gentle rhythm, however, as the waves of desire between them were once again stoked into an inferno that threatened to overwhelm them both. Sean fastened his mouth onto Nick's and drank him in, urging a deeper thrust by reclining back on the floor, his legs bent up over his body, ankles hooked over Nick's shoulders.

        They fucked with a steadily growing urgency, until it almost became painful to continue to hold back from the onrush of orgasm. Sean pulled Nick's mouth down onto his again - not quite kissing him, but just breathing into him, and fisted his own cock, milking it until he came, come spattering his chest and Nick's. Nick came soon afterwards, cock thrust deep inside Sean's body, his teeth biting sharply into his own lower lip. They collapsed on the floor, bodies fused together with come, streaked with sweat, and dripping blood, eerily reminiscent of how it had been the first - and last - night that they'd been together, only this time, the blood was Nick's instead of that of the Forsaken one. It somehow seemed appropriate to move from blood to blood, from death to life.

        The first time they fucked it had been desperate, as if to prove to themselves and each other that they were still alive, despite all evidence to the contrary. Coming back from vanquishing the Forsaken, they looked half-dead, bruised and bloody but triumphant, and very, very alive. Life seemed to surge through Nick's body, finally, and just as he'd always seemed to accept the inevitability of his own death from the virus, so did he embrace the renewal of his life with equal ferocity - at least, he did so until morning came, and the reality of it all caught up with him. The end of the struggle that had taken two years of his life - and the reality of Sean, warm and naked and alive in the bed - was too much, too soon. It was too good, so he ran as far as he could, until he realized that mere space wasn't going to be enough to get Sean out of his system. This was nothing as simple as a virus, no mere death sentence to fight - this was a life sentence that he was up against, and it would be his as long as he lived.

***

and I forgot
to tell you I love you
and the night's too long
and cold here without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say
I need you so

***

        It wasn't comfortable on the floor, but even so Sean was reluctant to move. Nick was a dead weight on top of him, and Sean craned his neck, trying to see which way he could shift to get feeling back into his extremities without completely dislodging Nick's body from its resting place.

        Nick's eyes opened. "We should get up," he said, without moving.

        "You think?" Sean grinned. "This is more comfortable than the beds in half the motel rooms we've stayed in."

        "Maybe so, but I know for a fact that your bed is more comfortable than this." Nick drew himself up onto his knees, and used the counter to pull himself the rest of the way, standing on unsteady legs. After a moment, he extended a hand to Sean, pulled him up, as well, and then just held on to him. They were sticky and sweaty, mouths and skin bruised and hair wild, but it wasn't uncomfortable to be pressed tightly together, and Nick's lip had stopped bleeding. Sean licked at the wound with his tongue, making Nick wince.

        "Old habits die hard?" Nick asked.

        "I thought you said something about bed," Sean mumbled, his lips pressed against Nick's throat.

        "Right," Nick said. Forcibly, he pushed Sean away from him and towards the bed, shoving him the few steps until he collapsed on his back, scrambling over the mattress. Nick climbed up over him and lay down. "Much better."

        "Says you," Sean said, but he slid one hand around Nick's neck, the other over his lower back, as if to prevent him from moving away.

        "You like it when I'm on top."

        "Fuck you."

        "Later," Nick said, with a yawn. "I'm too tired." He closed his eyes, then opened them again. "Can't you get that to stop?"

        "What?"

        Nick nodded out the window at the constantly flashing lights. "The night-light."

        "Haven't figured out how, short of a city-wide blackout," Sean shrugged. "You get used to it."

        "Hmph. I prefer the desert."

        "Coyotes and rednecks instead of movie stars and drive-by shootings?" Sean's hands wandered down over Nick's bare skin.

        "Depends on the star." Nick caught one of Sean's still-roving hands, and frowned at him. "Aren't you tired?"

        "Exhausted."

        "So, sleep."

        Sean shook his head. "I don't think I trust you to still be here when I wake up, yet."

        "Okay," Nick said, without any trace of hurt in his voice. "I'll sleep, and you can stay awake."

        "For the rest of my life?"

        "Eventually, you'll have to sleep. Then you'll wake up and find out whether or not you can trust me."

        "I suppose if that's the only way I can do it, I might as well sleep now, then," Sean said.

        "Makes sense."

        "Or, we could both stay awake." Sean's hands started to roam, again.

        Nick groaned. "You would have made a great vampire, you know that?" he asked, cracking one eye open.

        Sean grinned, and bit Nick's wounded lip, opening the flesh again. Even without the virus, he was starting to realize that the taste of blood really was addictive - or maybe it was just Nick himself he was addicted to. Either way, he was sure he was going to enjoy figuring it out.

        End

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