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All That Human Hearts Can Endure

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Added to the Roswell Slash Archive December 31, 2000

All That Human Hearts Can Endure
By: Joy Elizabeth (7/13/00)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They aren't mine.
Category: Slash, I/M, Isabel POV.
Distribution: If you have my stuff, feel free; if you don't, please ask.
Feedback: You know I love it.
Dedication: To Jennifer, who liked this one.

I am wondering how I got to this place. I used to be the most popular girl in school. I used to have tons of friends. The words Isabel Evans and lonely did not fit in the same sentence.

I want to leave this place. I never used to want to do that. I wanted to stay with my family forever. I understood how lucky I was to have found them. But now all I want to do is pack my bags and leave.

Max told us that we had to stay, though. We don't want to call attention to ourselves again. At least, not until we understand this mission.

So, here I am, wandering through the cafeteria, trying to find a place to sit. My former friends stared at me as though I were some strange creature who invaded Isabel's body. I guess I am a strange creature. Only I'm still Isabel.

I don't want to sit with Max because all he does is whine about Liz. And Michael never looks at me anymore.

I could have been with Michael. I could have loved him. When the whole mess happened, it freaked me out, but not as much as it should have. It should have made me own up to my feelings for everyone involved. But I just ran to Alex, and then I pulled back, like I always do.

Alex is sweet. He's everything that a girl could want, really. And he loves me. But I don't love him, and it's not fair for me to keep using him to avoid my feelings.

Finally, I saw Maria sitting by herself. She still talks to me. It's strange. Liz never talks to any of us. I think that she just tries to pretend that we don't exist. But Maria has continued to talk to all of us, except for Michael. She and Michael just stare long and hard at each other. It's funny. I spent all of that time wishing that they would be silent, and now I just wish that they would start bickering again.

"Mind if I sit here?" I asked.

"Go right ahead," she answered, her gaze never moving from Michael's direction.

"So, what did you think of that math test?" I asked. And she began her babbling. I love to hear her babble now. It makes life seems normal again. And I sit and listen to her go on and on about math, pretending that it's my biggest problem in the world.

Maria's hands fly around her when she talks. It's a lot like watching a bird. Her face gets so full of excitement. Watching Maria talk, you can't help but get caught up in the momentum of it. She pulls you in and makes you excited about whatever it is that she's talking about.

And I stared at her and I wondered how I could have gone so many years without noticing her, passing her up in favor of the snobs that I used to call friends.

Michael continued to stare in our direction for the entire meal. I do realize that I caused this. This rift. Because he is afraid of hurting her, but not physically like he told her. He's afraid of hurting her because of me. He's afraid of what he feels for me stacked against what he feels for her. Because with her, he feels love. And with me, he feels lust. But sometimes lust overpowers the love, as frightening and horrible as that thought may seem.

I know this because I feel lust for Michael. I knew that I loved her, I knew that I didn't want to hurt her for anything in the world, and I did it anyway. And here she is, this sweet, innocent girl that the two of us ripped to shreds, and she still continues to talk to me. I'm the lucky one then.

He told her that he loved her. It took guts. But now they never speak. So I'm not going to tell her that I love her. I'm just going to go through everyday and be her best friend. Except that she doesn't love me as much as she does Liz. She doesn't look at me the way that she looks at Liz. Or Michael. Or even Alex. But she looks at me in different way than she looks at everyone else. So maybe she loves me too.

I'm sorry that I came here. I'm sorry that I ignored her for sixteen years. And I'm sorry that we dragged her into this. But she is all that I have to keep me from being lonely. And so I hold onto my love for her, just as Michael does.

She is all that we have to remind us that we love with human hearts.


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