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Sometimes

Reply to Jenn

Posted to the Roswell Slash list September 13,2000

Title: Sometimes
Part: 1/1
Category: T and I (nothing kinky..sorry!)
Author: Jenn
E-mail: rozzy285@yahoo.com
Feedback: I'll just say that..it's highly important to give writers their feedback. Or else they get very disheartened..and don't want to write anymore.... =(
Disclaimer: If I owned 'em..I wouldn't be broke! =)
Notes: Opening/Closing lyrics belong to Save Ferris ~"Angry Situation"~ It's a very good cd! It comes highly recommended!! And thanks to Jessie...my lil sis..for proofing for me..as I went along..



//Did you think that this would make everything right? Can't you see the price you pay is your own life and as you're screaming out to me to make things right, tonight How will you end your pain?//

She smiles at me alot now. Not everyone gets to see that from her..but I do. And I love it.

When she smiles at me, it makes everything real. It makes everything right. You wouldn't think that a simple smile could do so much, but it can. The way her lips curl up at the corners, slightly, when something I've said, strikes her funny, and she tries not to laugh. Surprisingly, it always seems to reach her eyes. You don't see that very often with a lot of people..but I see it when I'm with her.

Sometimes I hate it that none of the others like her much..but most of the time, it doesn't matter to either of us. I do, however, have to admit that they at least have the decency to be civil, but merely tolerant. But even that has only been going on for a few months now..almost a year. Now that Nasedo has been hiding out for the past two years, right in the middle of the FBI, -a bunch of people who want to see us all strapped to tables- she's been on her own, and we're only seniors in high school. Other than me, Alex was the first to start giving her more of a chance. I think he does it for the simple fact that he knows how it is, to feel left out..and "out of the loop", so-to-speak. After that, the other two humans, and Max and Michael started to catch on, too.

Tess pretends to be happy when we we're all together...but that's all it ever is. She's merely playing along and going with the flow of things. When we're hanging out, one-on-one, it's a lot different. I think that I may be the only one that she feels like she can be herself with. And she talks to me a lot more openly than before. Sometimes she'll even show me how she really feels. I've connected to her so many times, that..every now and then, I can tell how she feels, even when she doesn't connect or tell me. It's strange, but a good feeling, to know that she trusts me enough.

I think that her growing up with Nasedo has done a lot of damage to her "human" side..to her "human" emotions. And the fact that he raised her, more or less, places him as the father figure in her life. He was all she had, for ten years and now that he's been gone for almost two, it's really affecting her. She tries not to let it show...but *I* see it. And it has to be hard for her, knowing that Max and I grew up with "real parents"...and even though Michael was in and out of foster homes, he still had us. For ten years, Tess was alone. Nasedo was there, but she had no friends and not even, really, a family. Now she has me..but sometimes, even *that* isn't enough.

Sometimes, when she thinks about it too much, it really hits her. I know she tries to supress it, but I've spent one too many nights with her, in that big empty house she's still living in...holding her while she cries herself to sleep, to be able to brush it off. Although I make sure to tell her as often as possible, that she'll always have me, she still feels, during the bad times, like she has no one. And so she cries...which sometimes leads me to wonder if it's possible for an alien to be 'depressed'. I've read about it a lot lately...mostly of my own accord, because I'm worried about Tess. It scares me, thinking about some of the things she's said to me, about all of this being too hard for her, and how she wished that she could just curl up into her bed and disappear. And what's stranger, is that the next day, she's totally fine. Another sign of depression, or so I've read.

She's doing okay, for now, tonight. There were some problems earlier, but again, I held her until she cried herself to sleep. Tess called me after school today...said that the house was too quiet and that she didn't know how much longer she could stand it being like that. I might as well be living there, my parents joke quite frequently...but they don't mind. They're just glad to see that I have a best friend and my mom tells me she's proud of how mature and adult I've become, whenever I tell her that "Tess called again." And that's all I have to say, for them to know that she's feeling alone again..and needs someone to talk to.

It's going on one in the morning right now...and sure, we're supposed to be going to school in about six hourse, but I don't think we will. I know that I said the crying was over with for the night, and that she had fallen asleep..but Tess has, since then, woken up, and there is much to be talked about. So much more to be said...it doesn't look like we'll be getting to bed any time soon.

While she's never asked it of me, Tess and I have more of an unspoken realization that she's still not used to being alone. I guess, my, running to her every time she gets scared, isn't going to help her get past it...but the truth is, I don't like being alone, much, either. So when I sleep over, she lets me share the bed with her. It's not huge, but there's enough room for two, I suppose. And sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I wake up to find that Tess is once again, curled up against me, at my side. Though I don't mind it at all, sometimes it will almost bring tears to my eyes, because it makes me realize just how lonely and in need of someone to take care of her, she is. So I'll pull her closer and hold her until she wakes up, too. It's become more of a habit, than anything..but most of all, it's comforting.

Before Tess came along, we thought that I was the only female of our kind. And sometimes, my motherly instincts would take over, just like a human, I assume. Having Max and Michael, gave me someone to take care of...to "mother". Now that they both have significant others..they don't really need that from me anymore. But now I have Tess...and her needing someone to take care of her and her needing someone that she can depend on, is perfect for the both of us. She has me, and now I have her. Sometimes I wish that I was all she needed..all she'd ever need..but I know I can't be. I try not to think about that, much, though. It almost disturbs me, but most of the time, I wonder where the thought even came from. Not that I mind, because I care about Tess..without her in my life, I don't know where I would be right now.

I guess that brings me to where I am now. Tess and I, after about an hour of talking, came down for something to drink, not that we needed the caffiene..and ended up moving our ritual sleep over into the the living room. Tess had been smiling a little more, considering...and just as she was about to sit down, being the taunting kind of person I am...I made a comment, just as she was about to sit down, regarding her "walk". Then I sat down in the black leather recliner, as though I hadn't said anything. When the remark registered itself in her head, she non-chalantly sat her drink down, then came after me, threatening to "beat me up" for it. In an attempt to save myself, I grabbed her hands, causing her to lose her balance. Landing in my lap, the weight caused the chair to recline on it's own.

Still trying to wrench herself free from my grasp, I wrapped my arms around her, pinning her to me, so that she couldn't move. I am, afterall, a little bigger than she is. She only squirmed for a couple minutes, before tiring out and giving up. I let her loose, but she didn't move. With her head, resting on my chest...and half of her body, still on top of mine, she sighed heavily. I could get used to this. I actually didn't mind that she hadn't made any effort to move. I don't think I wanted her to. I kind of even hoped that she would stay right where she was..and we would fall asleep, so that I would wake up with her in my arms again. Sometimes, I enjoyed the feel of her soft weight, resting on and against me, too much.

But I didn't want to think about that. So instead, I glanced down at Tess, to find that she was staring blankly at something across the room. I redirected my gaze, to see what she seemed to find so interesting..but it was nothing..just a wall....so I looked down at her once again. The look of sadness was making itself present and I knew that everything was about to start all over again. Gently, I used my free arm -the one that Tess wasn't laying on- to brush a few stray strands of hair, from her eyes...letting my hand linger cheek for a moment. She glanced up at me, briefly, but didn't speak. She didn't have to, because I knew what she was thinking about.

I knew that she was thinking that it had gotten too quiet. I knew that she was thinking that, if the silence didn't break, that she was probably going to cry again. And I knew, that if *I* didn't speak sometime soon, that I was sure to see those tears, any moment now.

"Tess.." I breathed out, in my attempt to speak softly. "It's-"

I was wrong. I thought that saying something would help. But the tears still spilled over, slightly wetting my shirt. I didn't mind. It was the last thing I cared about. All I knew, was that, she was crying again...and I didn't know how much longer I could stand to see her hurting so much. It made me wonder if all those times that she's smiled at me..if they were ever really real. I know they say that depression has it's 'ups', and that people who have it, can actually have happy moments..but that they don't last long. I'm hoping that that's what those times were. Happy moments. At least, if they were, I would know that she *was* happy with and around me.

"Don't cry..please." I whispered, kissing the top of her head.

At that, she wrapped *her* free arm, around my waist, holding on to me, as if I might disappear. Because of that, any moment now, I was sure to join her in her tears. Before, I tried to be strong..and always managed to push back the tears, but I'm not sure that I could do it again. It was all getting to be too much and I wanted to cry with her...to let her know that I *did* understand what it was like to feel alone. To feel, even though you were surrounded by people, left out. I wanted her to know that...I was missing something too.

I didn't know what to say or do, to help. Not that I usually did, anyway. At the moment, though, I felt the need to talk, like I needed to get a million things off of my chest....but I didn't know where to start. Sometimes I catch myself wondering how she would react if I told her how much I cared about her. I want her to know how much she means to me. How important she is. But I didn't say anything right away. I just sat there with her in silence, rubbing her back with one hand, and stroking her hair with the other, as if she were a child. I needed her to know that I was still here..that she wasn't alone, and could hold on to me as long as she needed to, because no matter what...I was going to be there.

"Sometimes...." I broke the silence, my voice cracking. "Sometimes it hurts so much that..that I can't breathe."

Tess didn't say anything, but I knew that she was listening. She always listens.

"After Max and I got old enough to realize exactly what we were and all the stuff we could do..." I continued, hoping that it might help Tess to hear my voice. "I spent so many nights, crying myself to sleep."

I felt Tess tighten her grip on my shirt, and take a deep breath. I knew that she was trying to stop the tears now.

"The more I thought about it, the harder I would cry..and I know that Max was having trouble dealing with it too. But he was more accepting of it."

Tess drew in a shakey breath, as though she were about to speak. I saw her mouth open..but nothing came out. So I waited. A couple minutes later..she still didn't say anything, so I started to talk again.

"When I first started high school, I started to feel even more different than the rest of the girls. The guys, too, sometimes." I continued to talk. "By the end of my first year, I vowed to fit in. I promised myself that when I went into our second year, that I would be the most popular person on campus and that no one would be able to touch me. I didn't just want to be *like* them...the humans. I wanted to be *better*. And so I was."

I felt Tess nod in understanding. At least I knew, for sure, now..that she was listening to my 'story'. I had no idea where I was going with it...or where it was coming from. But it was the truth.

"Sometimes I loved being the 'best'. Hell.." I said bitterly. "Even the upperclassmen girls were jealous of me..and would be pissy around me. But the ones in my class, and under me..they all treated me like I was some kind of God. Like I was their leader, and they couldn't make any move, until it was okay with me. What the hell were they thinking, you know? Not even *I* would get sucked into something like that." I paused, taking a deep breath. "Why do people let themselves be treated like puppets?"

"They don't know any better..." I heard Tess whisper, almost inaudibly.

"I suppose they don't. No one does, I guess. But anyway...I had all that, there, at school..but when I went home in the afternoon, I was alone. I had Max...and sure, my parents were there, but I still felt so alone. So at night, I would cry myself to sleep, over the things that I did have; popularity, guys. Anything and everything I wanted, was at my disposal. But sometimes, most of the time..I would cry for the things that I *didn't* have; real friends, someone to love..who would love me just as much. And I'm not talking about my brothers."

Tess let go of my shirt for a moment, attempting to dry her eyes. I hated that she was crying, but I knew she'd be okay. I just had to keep talking.

"And then there's Alex. I never know what to think of him. Before, when I was busy absorbing myself in my 'clique', I used to say so many bad things about him. It was mostly because I knew that he had a thing for me..but I thought it was just a crush..and to me, then, he was just some dorky guy that I had gone to school with all my life, that I would of never dreamed of giving the time of day. Then I got to know him..and yeah, he still followed me around and it really got on my nerves sometimes...but, he was someone to talk to. Someone that I knew I could trust."

I paused for a moment, surprised when Tess wrapped her arm around me once again. Her grip wasn't as tight..but she was still holding on.

"After a while, I started to wonder if I could *make* myself love him the way he loved me. I pretty much resigned myself to him, thinking that if I didn't..that I'd always be alone. So I started eating lunch with him more often..and one day...when we were eating, I wasn't having the best of days, and I was sitting there, really wishing that I had found someone else to eat with..." I took a deep breath, killing time before I continued in the direction that I knew I was about to go. "And then you showed up. I don't know how, but I just immediately knew that, I wanted to know you. Partly because you were saving me from listening to Alex, talking about the same old thing..but mostly because..I just wanted to *know* you."

"Really?" Tess raised her head up slightly, sounding surprised. When I nodded, she smiled, then snuggled back up against me.

"I couldn't get enough of you." I admitted shamelessly. "You were the first 'normal' -or so I thought- friend that I'd ever had. And you seemed just as interested in knowing *me*, so I-"

"I was.."

"So when Max and Michael and the others started to get suspicious of you..I started to hate them for it. For trying to mess up something that was going so good."

"I guess I kind of foiled that, for you, huh.." Tess said sadly.

"Not at all. I was shocked, really, when we found out that you were one of us. Then, when I got used to the idea..I wasn't so surprised. It explained why I felt so connected to you...then it just made me happy. I didn't have to worry, anymore, about watching what I said..about being careful around you anymore, because you knew our secret. You were part of it. It just made it all, that much better." I smiled to myself, thinking about how happy I had been. "And I know that, at first, I let Michael and Max fool me into believing that we couldn't trust you..and I'm sorry for that. But it was because I was hurting...and afraid of what I was feeling."

"What you were feeling?" Tess repeated. "About Michael?"

"About you.."

Tess looked up at me again. I could tell that she was surprised by my admission. Hell, I was more suprised than she was. I'd just let it flow right out of my mouth, as though I said it all the time.

"What..*about*....me?" She asked warily.

"I don't know..I just....I sympathized with you, because I could see that, having been raised by..him....that, you were lonely..and needed someone to be there for you, like he never really was. And..the longer I went on, supressing all of that, and not talking to anyone about it, the need to protect you, just kept getting stronger."

I paused, again, when I felt Tess give me a reassuring squeeze..to let me know that she was there. To let me know that she was listening.

"The more that I would think about it, the more I grew to hate..him...for not treating you like you were his family. For not....for not loving you, the way you needed to be loved."

"Isabel.." Tess whispered, as though to tell me that I didn't have to say any more.

"After Nasedo was gone..and we knew, for sure, that he was never coming back..you-you acted like everything was okay..but it wasn't, and somehow I could see it. Sometimes, when I knew that it was getting bad for you..I wished that I could just, hold you, and promise you that you still had me. That I could take care of you and be all that you needed, to be happy."

"You *do* make me happy, Isabel..." Tess stated. "You always have."

I heard what she was saying..but I didn't respond. If I got off-course now, I'd never be able to bring it up again. I'd never be able to tell her what was *really* on my mind.

"When you started talking to me, about what was bothering you, I was jumping at the chance to be there. I was just happy that you wanted me to listen. That you were opening up to me." Without thinking about it, I ran my hand through the back of her hair again. "But then you started calling me more often..like you did tonight. I started getting more and more worried about you. I'm scared for you, Tess," I admitted, glancing down at her. "I can't lose you. Not now. Not when you mean so much to me. And I can't stand to see you hurting so much, knowing that there's nothing I can do, to make it go away."

"Isabel..it's okay," Tess tried to sound reassuring, as she stared up at me. "I'm okay.."

"Maybe now. Maybe tonight," I said. "But what about tomorrow? And the next day, and the day after that? No one is *that* strong, Tess. Not you..not me. Not....anyone."

I was nearing the point of crying. I couldn't keep it in much longer..and not feel like I was about to burst. Right about then, I felt a tear, slide down my cheek, my breath catching. I guess that Tess noticed it, because when she tilted her head up, the look that crossed her face was one of worry and concern.

"You're crying?"

I knew she meant it as a question, but it came out as more of a statement.

"Isabel..I didn't meant to- please..that is the one thing that I can not handle. I'm so sorry," she said, sitting up..brushing the tears from my cheeks, with her hand.

I squeezed my eyes, hoping to stop them..but more came.

"Isabel..."she whispered pulling me to her.

I let my head rest on her shoulder then. At the moment, I would of given anything to have her arms around me..and if this is how it was going to happen, then I wasn't going to resist. I'd been strong for her, for so long that..I couldn't hold it in anymore. I needed to feel her arms around me, in comfort. The truth was, I was no stronger than she was. I was merely better at hiding my feelings. Hiding my pain. Hiding, in general. No one knew the real me. Not even Max, or Michael. But now, here I was, showing Tess. Showing her everything. How weak I could be...how much it hurt me..to see *her* hurting.

The feel of her thumb, soothingly rubbing the back of my neck, was nearly enough to calm me down. It felt right, to feel her touching me. Sure, she's touched me plenty of times before, in the past two years...but never like this. Never for a *reason* like this. And sure, we've cried together over small, silly things...but never for something like this. I wanted to tell her that I had fallen for her a long time ago, and that her, having her arms around me like this..wasn't really helping me at all. So, you can imagine my surprise when I felt her kiss my shoulder comfortingly.

I pulled back..looking up at her in surprise. I wasn't complaining..but I was curious as to why she had done it. The amount of confusion that seemed to have clouded her eyes at that moment, worried me. I knew, then, that she thought that she had done something wrong, even though she hadn't.

"Tess..no, it's okay..I just..." I paused, unsure of what to say. "Believe me..i'm not complaining, just, surprised."

She shook her head slightly, before speaking. "I-I...it's not always about him, you know."

"What's not?"

"This..." she shrugged lightly. "I hate being here, alone.....anyone would. But..it's not always about that. Sometimes, I..."

"You...?" I moved forward a little, watching her facial expressions as she tried to work out what she wanted to say to me.

"Sometimes, I just..miss you too much..an-and having you here, it makes me feel better." she looked down nervously, staring at her hands. "Sometimes I hate it..but other times, I just openly admit to myself that...I need you, that I can't function without you."

"Can.....can I?" I whispered, leaning in a little more.

Tess nodded, looking me in the eye, mouthing 'yes'..as she bridged the gap between us, to let our lips meet.

"Do you know how long I've wanted to do that?" I smiled against her mouth, laughing a little.

"Probably as long as I have..." she admitted.

//Did you think that this would make everything right? Can't you see the price you pay is your own life and as you're screaming out to me to make things right, tonight How will you end your pain?//

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