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Reply to Jenn

Posted to the Roswell Slash list October 18, 2000

Title: Liberty
Part: (1/1)
Rating: pg
Author: Jenn
Disclaimer: Not per usual. Song is "Liberty", by Vertical Horizon.

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Me and my big mouth. Yeah, that's what got me into this mess, I'm sure of it. What was I thinking, believing Nasedo for all those years, when he was feeding me all that crap about destiny? I should of known better. I should of known that none of it was true. But I fell for it anyway...and when I rolled into town with Nasedo and all those lies, I began to repeat them. Stupid, I know..but that was six years ago. At first, they didn't believe me. They didn't want to and now that I'm looking back, I understand why.

Believing in some pre-destined plan is a mistake, because inevitably, something will come along when you're trying to make it work, and throw everything off-course. That's what I did to Max and that's what I did to myself. Before I came along, Max was living his life...what he thought was his "pre-destined plan" with Liz Parker...then I showed up with my lies about "true" destiny, thus throwing his real one, off of it's spinning axis. That's why, in the long run, I didn't blame him for being angry with me. As for Michael and Isabel, they didn't like the idea of having to fulfill some greater plan..but they were at least..willing.

Speaking of Michael and Isabel...they're together now. They've been together for a while and I hate it. But it's all my fault and I suppose I'm finally getting what's been coming to me. And I guess that I should of told them all, what a bunch of crap this destiny stuff really was, when I actually started to feel that way about it.


I don't want to go into too much detail, but there's certain stuff that needs to be said, to make this less confusing.

we met as two total strangers
as many lovers do
but who could have ever seen the danger
I didn't know I'd fall in love with you

Before they knew anything about me, Isabel was the first one to talk. She took me under her wing, so-to-speak. And even after, regardless of the rough times..we still had some fun ones. We got really close and I started to care about her alot. But then that Congresswoman came along. That was it for us. After that, I knew that there was something more than a mere riendship-slash-alien bond between us. We had our moments. Secret trysts, I guess you could say. Teenagers tend to get curious..and experimental. But....experimental or not, there was something undeniable there.

you are this lonely picker's daydream
like a wish that's wishing to come true
so Liberty just know I'm waiting
to share this love song with you

Because of me, no doubt, Max had begun to take the role of "king" far too seriously. Even he began to think, and say, that we should be following our destinies. By then, though..I was through with all that. I didn't want it and I knew he didn't either. I could see that Isabel and Michael didn't want it, but were going along with it, just because he said. When she was with me..when we would kiss and test each others limits...I knew that it was me she really wanted to be with, but Max's voice was alot more persistant than my own.

but do you think about me when you're lying in his bed
won't you take the time to explain
do you ever think you'd rather be with me instead
or do you only think about me when it rains

But's him she's with. And I know she thinks about me. Isabel taught me how to dreamwalk. In some weird way, I think she was doing it as her way of telling me that it was the only way we could be together. After she chose took me a long time before I actually got up the nerver to try it. A couple years actually. When I did, I didn't like what I saw. At first, she was always alone...and then he would show up and she'd cry in his arms. It should of been me.

we shared some special nights together
we said we'd watch the morning rises
but when the sun was all around us
wasn't nothing I hadn't seen in your eyes

There were other times when I would find her with a dream version of myself. Whether she knew the difference or not, I'll never know. But she's i'm guessing she did. But then it would slowly fade to dark then light, and I would watch as she let me slip away. And I would be left there to watch her sit alone and smile. A secret smile that only I had seen before. I knew then that she was going to make it.

i try so hard to keep it hidden
but i am hurting deep inside
for every time i've seen you smile
there are two times that I have cried

And now it seems so long ago, since I quit visiting her in those dreams. So here I am now, going on twenty-four....still unable to let go, to move on. We don't talk any more, that's what makes it harder..but I still have my dreams and though I may be alone in them..sometimes I can sense that Isabel is there. I never see her..but I know she's there.

but do you think about me when you're lying in his bed
won't you take the time to explain
do you ever think you'd rather be with me instead
or do you only think about me when it rains

I know that she must think about me...but it hurts knowing that I can't be near her. It hurts to know that I can't see her..yet she stays, while i'm asleep, to watch me cry in my dreams.

now and forever my love will be the same
i will be waiting underneath the pouring rain

But still, every night, she watches me in my dreams. maybe it's so she doesn't start to forget what we once had. What we could of had. What, I know, she still wants. So every night, I'm always there...always..waiting.


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