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Fumbling

Reply to Emma Jane

Posted to the RoswellSlash mailing list January 13, 2001

Fumbling
By: Emma Jane: catfighter25@hotmail.com
Archive: Anyone who wants it, and has "Showers" already,can have, but I'd like to have the URL.
Fandom: Roswell as usual
Pairing: Tess/Liz, angst, and then serious RST.
Rating: Strong R
Spoilers: Err, for "Showers" I suppose, but you don't have to read that first, some time late season 2, so Nasedo is dead now. But Tess is still living alone.
Notes/Summary: Sequel to "Showers", things get... resolved... This was written on an overdose of the magnificent Sarah McLachlan's "Mirrorball", "Surfacing", and "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy." Songs that most helped inspire were "Do What You Have to Do", "Angel", "Fear", and "last Dance." If you have not heard Sarah (not likely) I suggest you check out some of her amazing music immediately! Regards- Emma Jane.
Disclaimer: I don't even want to think about what would happen if I owned Roswell... good thing I don't I guess. The Song is "Fumbling Towards Estacy" by Sarah McLachlan.
Suggested Listening: Sarah McLachlan, Dido, or Majandra Delfino. Most any song will do.
Feedback: PLEASE! Catfighter25@hotmail.com
Thanks: To Kate, and everyone who liked "Showers", and all the people at the Catfighter thread at Fan Forum. Even though I mostly lurk, you guys inspire me to no end. Also to Shini who gave me some lovely lavender aroma therapy after reading "Showers". And to Courtnay who gave me a last minute beta! You rock girl!
Pov: Liz and Tess alternating. *** Indicates a POV change.



We drive home in silence, my mother and I. She is gripping the steering wheel like it is the only thing that can save her, that can keep her here. She keeps fumbling with the air conditioning, until I tentatively touch her hand and whisper for her to stop.

She jerks away and pulls to the side of the road. "Elizabeth," she whispers, her voice breaking.

I am worried. She never calls me Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth," She tries again. "There was an accident." She gasps and swallows hard.

A sick feeling rises in the pit of my stomach.

"Your father-" she is concentrating on just being able to breathe, so she can't continue.

I try to swallow, but the bile rises in my throat. My fingers find the door handle, and open it as I lean out and throw up my lunch.

***

Sarah McLachlan echoes out of my stereo loud and all throughout the house. The house is so empty now. I've sold most of the decorations for money since no one in this god-forsaken town wants to hire a "bubbly-slutty-dumb-blonde" as I've heard them refer to me.

I spend my days kicking through school (I don't know why I bother. I'll probably be dead before graduation anyway). My evenings I spend at the Crashdown. Any chance to stare unabashedly at Liz Parker is good for me. And my nights, I stay rattling around in this shell of a house, blaring music from my stereo to chase away the silence and incurable solitude.

I tie my hair up in pigtails deciding I need to keep busy and do some cleaning. I don't know why I bother... no one comes here anyway.

***

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened any more.

***

I can't stay in this house any longer. He is everywhere and memories assault me wherever I go. My mother is sobbing in their bed, and I can hear her as I write the note, "Going to Maria's. Can't be here, Liz."

Halfway to Maria's, I realize that I don't want Maria. Maria will cry with me and feed me ice cream and aroma therapy and bull about how at least I had a father for a while and make me feel all the worse.

Who I want is someone to help me forget- forget his scent, his smile, and his worried frown.

I turn around, toward the nicer end of town to a small house with one light on in the upstairs bedroom window. Without any pretense, I ring the doorbell.

I hear a familiar tumble of footsteps, and a worried voice ask who's there. I say, "It's me, Liz Parker."

There is no response except for the opening door.

***

It's my heart the pounds
Beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes
Out it's breath.

***

She's a wreck- standing out there in the dark, mascara puddle around her eyes, and down her face in tear tracks. I don't ask what's wrong- I'm confident she'll tell me when she's ready, if I even need to know.

She pulls her over-sized sweater down over her hands and wipes at her face- only smudging it worse. "I need to forget." She says this clearly.

I nod, take her hand in mine, and pull her inside- locking the door behind me.

***

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.

***

She wipes a damp cloth over my face, forcing me to close my eyes for a moment. After the light pressure fades I keep them closed for a beat or two of my heart, then open them to see her staring at me, worshipping me with her eyes. Their icy depths praise me, seeing some beauty, which I can only see in her.

Already, the memories are beginning to fade.

***

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love

***

We don't speak, but I know what she came here for, I could see it in her eyes ever since she first arrived.

I watch her shake uncontrollably as she pulls her sweater over her head. It has stripes of green hidden among the black- and because she wore it, I am mesmerized by the texture, the colors, where it brushed her skin.

She seems so vulnerable. I snap out of my trance and step over to her and fumble with the buttons on her jeans. They fall to the floor, and next to her I am feeling indescribably (understandably?)over dressed.

I pray to whatever gods are out there (Liz Parker is the only one I see) that this will not come to an end because I believe it is more than it is.

She came to me- that has to mean something. Probably just that she's discovered my weakness and knows I'm the only chick around here that will give her some.

Before I realize what is going on, I too am stripped to my underclothes, and on top of Liz Parker in my bed- and this time it's no fantasy.

***

Companion to our demons
They will dance and we will play
With chairs, candles, and clothes,
Making darkness in the day.

***

I breathe into the soft skin of her neck, pressing my lips there for a fraction of time, and then it is not enough. My hunger for her, and my hunger for reality to fade are too strong for me to hold back any longer.

I am not gentle as I turn around and rest my hips on top of hers, my fingertips grazing the bare skin of her arms, smiling as she gasps at this new pleasure... this new pain...

I slide down her body till my hands are on her stomach and my lips are between her breasts. I trace the edges of her bra with my tongue as she wriggles beneath me. My hand snakes up her bare stomach to release the front clasp and pull the blue satin away.

I stare at her for a moment, her eyes catching mine. Then we are a tangle of arms and legs as we attempt to escape from what clothing still hinders us. I am blinded with lust- even love- for this tiny vixen whose tongue is circling my breast. When I can see clearly again, I realize Tess has used her powers to turn out the lights, and spark several candles so the flames flicker patterns across our skin.

***

It will be easy to look in
Or out upstream or down
Without a thought.

***

I don't know which end is up and which is down anymore. But it doesn't really matter. Everything is warm and shivery and filled with a thousand moans and sighs and touches that calm and spark.

Our tongues are intertwined and it seems that we cannot stop moving. We both have something we need to resolve here.

The air is soaked with the scent of lavender, and I can't tell weather or not it is her or those damn candles I had to buy a while back- after I discovered how well lavender shampoo worked with my avid imagination.

"This is real isn't it?" I sigh, tying to catch my breath.

"I hope so." She answers.

***

Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort.

***

A breath of cool air brushes over my skin, and I shiver, fumbling with the blankets strewn under me and at my feet.

It is nine in the morning and my mother is going to be sick with worry if I don't get home soon. The problem is that home is the last place I want to be.

All I want to do is lay here forever with Tess, who looks like an angel as she sleeps curled up next to me. Her lips are slightly parted and her scattered curls look golden in the faint sunlight sifting through the curtains in her window.

In fact, what I want to do is have "Liz Parker" disappear and stay here with my Tess forever in our own little world where no one can hurt us, and time does not exist.

But I know that can't be. I will gather my things, and go back to the place I used to call home and back to the woman who was my mother, and I'll pretend as though nothing is wrong, and nothing has changed. But I'll be dying inside- and I fear that none but my little angel can save me.

***

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.

***

I blink as I feel a blanket being pulled up to my neck. She is snuggled close to me, and gazing upon me as though I were something special. I feel treasured. "Thank you." I say, my voice thick from lack of use.

"For what?" She smooths back my hair and gently kisses my forehead.

Instead of answering her question, I begin to talk. "Do you know how I felt when Nasedo died? Like there was a wound in my side that I would not close, and I was bleeding to death. I knew in my heart that he never loved me, but he was the only family I had ever known. What was I to do now that my Protector was gone? I began looking for something to keep me here, and I found your smile. So, thank you."

I swear I didn't mean to make her cry. But she was. A silent kind of weeping that pours from the deepest recesses of a mourning soul. I tilted her chin up to face me, and began kissing away her tears, holding her close to me as images begin flickering across the inside of my eyelids. The emotions carry over, and tears begin slipping out of my eyes.

Her pain, so raw, so real was powerful. I loved her, and she loved me and we were close, sobbing in each other's arms for a long time.

***

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.

***

The End

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