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Iowa

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Posted to the Roswell Slash list October 19, 2000

Title: Iowa
Author: Kate Email: clarinetkate@livejournal.com
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine and neither is the song, it's the lovely Dar Williams'.
Distribution: Any, but please ask
Author's Note: My first song fic, I adore this song. Thank you Dar. 10/13/00


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I've never had a way with women
But the hills of Iowa make me wish that I could
And I've never found a way to say I love you
But if the chance came by, oh I, I would

When she told me she was leaving, moving to Iowa, I was crushed. I begged her not to go. She grasped my hands and said, "Come with me, Isabel." She held my hands tight, a hopeful expression in her eyes. My mouth flopped open and closed wordlessly till finally I shoook my head a little and whispered, "Alex," Her smile faded, she dropped my hands and through quivering lips whispered, "Goodbye, Isabel."

My eyes filled with tears as I watched her go. I wanted to run to her, to press her body against mine in a neverending hug. I wanted to say I love you. But I couldn't, so I watched her walk.

How I long to fall just a little bit
To dance out of the lines and stray from the light
But I feel that to fall in love with you
Is to fall from a great and gruesome height

I did love Tess. And Alex? He was my boyfriend,but he wasn't Tess. I spent time kissing Alex, but I spent time doing everything else with her. She was my best friend, we were attached at the hip, but oh god, it was more than that. So much more.

She was everything to me. And sometimes, moments would get so intimate I thought we would kiss. Moments when we were lying on my bed together, faces inches apart, her hand tracing lines on my arm. Moments when we snuggled together, my arm under her head, her body cradled in mine, where if she had just turned her head. Moments when we hugged for so long and her head was buried in my neck and I always waited for the feel of her lips on my skin. But the kiss never came. I think she wanted to. But I, I held back. I was afraid. Afraid to love her, to fall in love with her. Afraid that I already had. And if we kissed..god,but I was afraid.

Once I had everything,
I gave it up
For the shelter of a driveway
and the words I've never felt

And Alex. God, Alex. Sometimes when she touched me, tingles would run up and down my spine and I would know that I wanted her. But with Alex? No, I kissed Alex because he loved me, not because of any passion I felt. I kissed him because that was what boyfriends and girlfriends do. And he was my boyfriend.

And he was the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. Sweet, caring, understanding, gentle, loving, but he wasn't her.

But, oh, he loved me. And he was safe. And so when Tess left for Iowa, I chose him. Not her. Who I loved. Because I was afraid. Him. Who loved me. Because he was safe.

And so I went through the motions with him. Said I love you. Never should have said that. Not when I didn't say it to her. But I did love Alex, I did. I just wasn't *in* love with him. Couldn't be. That spot was already taken.

I tried to forget, to be happy with Alex, to ignore the hole in my heart. It almost worked. Almost. But I still thought of her at night, and part of me always thought I could see her again and we'd be happy again. Part of me knew I had been wrong. I did love her. I should have made her stay or gone with her. But I was here with Alex now, I couldn't leave him. But,Tess...

And so for you, I came this far across the tracks
Ten miles above the limit and with no seat belt, and I'd do it again
For tonight I went running through the screen doors of discretion
For I woke up from a nightmare that I could not stand to see
You were wandering out on the hills of Iowa and
You were not thinking of me

That night I dreamed of her. A dream that was not a dream. A dream that was a vision. A vision of her in Iowa. I saw her walking with a man. He got down on a knee and held out a box to her. Inside was a glittering ring. I saw her face. She was smiling, but oh god, was there something behind her eyes? Was she thinking of me, like I thought of her? Did she love him, or was she like me, just going through the motions? God, what if no! What if this was it and it was over. What if I'd lost the chance to tell her. To take it all back and tell her I loved her. What if I never got my chance to press her body against mine. My lips to hers.

I woke up crying, tears streaming down my cheeks, staining the pillow. I turned and gave a final glance at Alex's peaceful sleeping form. I knew what I had to do.

I left a note on the table that he would see when he woke up, telling him goodbye and thanking him, and telling him how sorry I was. And then I left.

Instinct led me to her. I knew where she was, could feel it. I walked behind the cottage, into a flower filled backyard. She was there, her back to me, looking out at the hills in the distance. I walked towards her, silently, trembling, afraid she wouldn't love me, and overcome by my love for her. She didn't turn around as I approached her. But as I stopped and stood next to her, she turned to look at me, her beautiful eyes welling up with tears of love and happiness at the sight of me.

"Welcome to Iowa, Isabel."

--END--

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