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Kate and Mere's Dream!Porno!Roswell

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Posted to the RoswellSlash mailing list August 10, 2001

Title: Kate and Mere's Dream!Porno!Roswell
Category: parody? fic? fantasy?
Rating: R?
Author's notes: um, so this is for enjoyment only, so... enjoy!


        Max, Michael, Isabel, Tess, Kyle, Sheriff Valenti, Courtney, Pierce, Nasedo, Laurie, Sean, Duff

        What?? No Liz? That's right. No Liz. Nasedo killed her. Remember this, it will be an important plot point later. Well, yes, this IS Roswell the porno version, but every good porn at least has SOME plot, duh.

        Maria? Who? Alex? Oh, um, still dead. And just ignore the fact that some of our main players are dead. Cause, this is dream!porno!Roswell! So, what we say goes.

Who's doing who:

        Tess and Isabel. I mean, come on. Hello, did you WATCH four square and Crazy?? So, the porno version of Roswell is all about our lovely lesbian aliens. Plus, this is Kate and Mere you're talking about here. You totally knew that T/I would be getting it on.

        Michael and Courtney. Ok, Courtney? Hot. Did I ever mention that she was hot? No? Hot. Not only that, into.. water sports.. and other things. Remember this, because Courtney's sexually adventurous nature will be used as a heartwrenching plot device later. Oh, I shouldn't have told you that? What.Ev.ER, we all know that kate is the only Roswell fan in the entire fucking world that doesn't like being spoiled.

        Michael and Laurie. Yes, you totally read that right. Well, I don't CARE that he's her quasi-brother. I mean, the real show has Max and his real sister THRASHING around on her bed, hello. And, if you can't keep it in your pants, well, then keep it in the family. See, but, Laurie is one sick chick. No, really. Check out this thing she makes Michael do, I swear, you couldn't make this shit up. She has... a plastic box fetish. She makes him reenact her entrapment with her in a sexual fantasy, where he rescues her from the box, and you know.

        Max and Pierce. Ok. White Room. Torture sequence set to music. Duh. But, yeah, this is also plot!tastic! So, just wait. It's not all about hot!gay!torture!sex. Ok, well, mostly. But, not all.

        Duff and Sheriff V. Mainly cause we like Sheriff V and he gets to stay in Roswell. And Duff was one cool chick, and I bet she's pretty handy with her sex toys... let's just say that SHE wears the pants in this relationship. I'm not really sure WHY, but, hey it was late when we thought of this.

        Sean and Kyle. Ah, the dream couple. They have the best plot. No really. They're not just hot!gay!sex!, although, there's plenty of that too. They are the sweetness counterpart to Tess and Isabel. Except without the vaginas. You know how it goes.

        Ok, so now I know you're saying, what's the deal? I mean, like, some of these couples make total sense, like, Tess and Isabel and Duff and Valenti (shut up. I'm telling you, it made sense last night), but what about the other ones? Well, here's the scoop.

        Max is gay. Ok, that wasn't a scoop. Watch three seconds of Roswell and you'll know that. I mean, you all saw the hair flip, right? NO??? You missed it. Oh honey. Go watch We Are Family.

        Ok, right, Max. Gay. But, more importantly, Max in love with Michael. SO obvious. This is obviously why Isabel doesn't feel threatened when Max ROLLS AROUND ON THE BED WITH HER. Because she KNOWS he loves Michael. She's very attentive towards his needs. Not in that way! Ok, wait, maybe a little...Remember this. Plot point later.

        So, if Max is in love with Michael, why is he having hot!gay!torture!sex with Pierce? Dude. Reread that question. Nuff said.

        So, Michael is fucking two hot blonde women. Hi, Michael's my Mary-sue. Ooops, I mean... um... this is really important plotwise! No honestly! I mean, it wasn't just random how he ended up fucking two women who happened to be blonde... He's avoiding girls who are brunettes, cause they make him think of the one person he really truly wants, that he can never admit to himself (ok, pretend that sentence made sense). Who's a brunette? No, no! Not Liz Yes, I know I said she'd be important, but, hah, I lied. Sorry polarists. Pick another brunette! Yes, yes! Max! See, Michael, it appears that fucking a blonde woman doesn't make you straight (Jason, take note).

        But, yeah. Let's talk about that fucking. I mentioned that Laurie has a plastic box fetish, right? Ok, cause that is some fucked up shit. A BOX fetish. This ain't your gramma's S&M! And then, Courtney! Man she's a firecracker. (*cough*Michael'smyMary-Sue*cough* Hey, anyone seen those previews for dead last...) So, between the two, Michael's kept pretty busy, but he still strugles with his underlying love for Max...we all KNOW that Leaving Las Vegas TOTALLY was all about a sex dream... and a jail scene. Ah, sweet UST, come hither.

        So let's get down to the plots! Did you see that? PLOTS! Not one but many! What a great porn.

        How Kyle and Sean become a real couple, sigh. So, remember when I said that Liz's death was important? Ok, well, it isn't really, it was just sort of the springboard for Kyle and Sean's bonding. See, Liz IS good for something. Bringing two cool, funny and cute (and gay!) boys together. I love Liz so much more when she's dead...

        But, yeah. So, Sean is really into Kyle, he's all, "I thought that Parker was the only person in this town who understood me, but, now I know...and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, they all stare at me anyway, I just want to be with you." Dude, how sweet is Sean?? Way too cool for Liz. Good thing she's dead.

        But the thing is, Kyle is stuck in the closet (He's got good company in this cast! I mean... with these characters...). He can't be public with his relationship with Sean because of his father (who, don't forget is off getting fucked by Duff. I just have to keep throwing that nonsensical relationship back at you, heh.) and the guys on the football team (although I think Malamood wanted a piece, I'm just sayin), and his rep in general. Oooo, conflict.

        One day, Michael comes over. Turns out that Courtney (god bless her) wants to have a threesome. Now, Michael's down with it, but he can't ask Max. But, Kyle's a jock! He MUST be straight. Which is very important for in!denial!Michael. So, Michael poses this little idea to Kyle. But, despite the closet, Kyle loves Sean. Haven't we all been there? Oh. Ok, not ALL of us. Maybe just me. Ahem. Back to the story.

        So, Kyle tells Michael no thanks, and Michael's all, DUDE, have you SEEN Courtney. Word, Michael, Word. Sean emerges from the other room, and says, "Yeah man, Courtney's hot.. I bet she's great in bed." Michael nods to the affirmative. Sean raises his eyebrows, "You should do it." Kyle turns and faces him and looks all hurt and Sean is all challenging, "Go ahead." "I don't want to." Kyle's back is to Michael and he's just facing Sean, Sean kind of swallows and squints his eyebrows and softly says, "Why not?" At this point, Michael sort of realizes what's going on, as Kyle, never taking his eyes off of Sean's face, half-whispers back, "You know why." Sigh.

        Man, am I sap or WHAT?! Just to let you know, Courtney does get her threesome. No, I'm not the guest star. It's Eddie! I always thought he was pretty hot. Courtney thinks so too, I'm sure, and Michael's already seen him without his top on, so it's a fun time for everyone. And if this were a multimedia presentation of D!P!R, we'd show those clips.

        But, alas, it's not, so at any point in our little story, please feel free to picture Max and Pierce, or Valenti and Duff if you'd like. Also, we have the hottest lesbian love scene to hit tv since... well ever. (By the way, anyone looking for a new hot lesbian love scene? Worn through your tape of But I'm a Cheerleader? Watched the first half of Bound a thousand times? Bought If These Walls Could Talk 2, just to see butch!Chloe Sevigny? Well, let me tell you, you have got to see the newest!- Lost and Delirious with Piper Perabo. Very. Hot. Sex scene. Just a little PSA to all the lesbians in the audience. And, by the way, if I've missed your favorite, please email me immediately so that I may obsessively watch that one, too) But, speaking of Tess and Isabel...

        I was telling this little dream Roswell to my good friend Mel, and she immediately proclaimed, Sexually frustrated much?? Then she inquired as to where the hell the sci-fi was. Mel, this little section is for you.

        So, it turns out that Khivar isn't some big old king at all. Surprise, surprise, Khivar is...a dyke! See, and she comes down from Antar using her sci-fiy powers to take back her lover, Vilandra. The sci-fi! It's astounding! Here, check it out, we'll display some zapf dingbats (tm djb) and blue lights, maybe a flying jellyfish or two to accompany Khivar's little pride parade down to earth, and call it our sci-fi driven plot! A wonderful mix of sci-fi and charcter development, of action and relationships. I don't know, it seemed to work for the real Roswell...

        So, yeah, Khivar. A dyke. Like, a card carrying one. We're talking short messy, spiky dyed blonde hair, low slung pants, a white ribbed tank top (you know what I mean... in some circles it's called a wife beater, but, yeah.). She's all carrying her guitar and she's come bearing gifts! Ani! The Indigo Girls! Alix Olsen! The new Bitch and Animal CD! (which, by the way, hits stores Sept 11th, it's fucking awesome. You'll love it. It's called Eternally Hard. Three gueses as to what THAT refers to.) And, oh my god, where do I get myself one of these Khivars??

        So, Tess is all threatened, afraid her little femme self can't stay in Isabel's affections. Afraid Isabel will go to that big dyke in the sky. She starts to fear that Isabel needs a butch to compliment her own femmeness, we must have the butch femme dichotomy at all costs! Grrrr. So, poor little Tess, fearing the loss of Isabel's love, shaves her head.

        ACK! Can you fucking picture that?? Isabel is as horrified by this as I am. Except she's not a shallow bitch like me, so she's horrified not because Tess looks like shit, but because Tess thought that she had to do something drastic to keep Isabel. "Don't you know I love you just as you are? Tess, Khivar is... very very sexy (sing it sister), but... so are YOU. And, I don't love Khivar." The sweetness! I can't take it! Quick! Hot!gay!sex!!!

        Ahhhh, Max and Pierce. I miss Pierce. He was so cool... and nice to look at too. A much better villian than Nicholas or the dupes. Anyway, hot!gay!torture sex.

        But, fucking Max is messing up our sex. He's all despondent cause he loves Michael, and boo hoo, relationship, not just meaningless sex. Such a loser. So, Pierce is getting pretty sick of that... Hey, Pierce, I hear Laurie's got a box fetish...

        Wow, this is getting long, huh?

        Ok, so the swift finish...

        Due to some sci-fi-ey thing (hi Mel!), Max and Michael start spending more time together. This of course drives Max and Pierce further apart, as he now mopes around all the time. (wow, this dream roswell isn't that different than real roswell, huh?) It also confuses the hell out of Michael, as he starts having sweaty dreams about Max. I so love the opening to Viva Las Vegas... if only they'd cut out all that stuff with all the other characters...

        Basically, Michael's quest for blonde girls is now insatiable! He now wants Isabel and Tess too! (Kate gives much cliffie love to her girls) But, Isabel is so attentive to Michael and Max's needs, she knows what's going on! The boys are in love! It's time for our Lesbian Alien Matchmakers (LAMs for short) to get it in gear.

        So, the LAMs arrange an orgy! Pierce drags Max to the orgy, sick of his simpering, and goes to hook up with the box girl. I KNEW he'd like that one...

        Alien Orgy. You know... we need to contact Katims. As good as my imagination is (and believe me. It's good), I really want to see this. I know I'm not alone here. Campaign anyone? We can send exploding jars of... KY? I think sending Jason Katims lube would be perfect, don't you?

        Anyway, during the course of the orgy, Max and Michael get!it!on! Finally. After two seasons of wanting each other. Tess and Isabel slip out of there to go have fun in the shower. It's wet!hot!girl!sex!

        And across town, Kyle and Sean grind while Pierce rescues Laurie from her box as Eddie fucks Courtney on the floor of a cave, and Mere and Kate invite Khivar over to their place for some fun and lox.

        And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we WISH Roswell would be. Also, how it SHOULD be. Clearly.

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