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Reply to Caroline or visit her websitePosted to the RareSlash mailing list September 12, 2002
Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane
Fandom: The Forsaken
Archive: yes to list archives
E-mail address for feedback: firstname.lastname@example.org
Other websites: http://desiderium.slashcity.net
Notes: For once, I have nothing to say.
Summary: Sean shows Nick just how lucky he can be. Or something. It's pretty much just sex, so it deserves a smarmy summary.
'For luck'. That's what he said, right before he kissed me and then threw himself into the fray with both guns blazing. So to speak. And I don't know why that thought made me laugh; probably because I could picture his reaction if he heard me talking like that, but whatever the reason I couldn't stop smiling after he kissed me.
Grinning like an idiot while we were going head to head with my Forsaken probably looked pretty weird, but if the vamps noticed they didn't get a chance to ask any questions before we dusted them. The whole thing was over so fast I barely even had time to worry that we might not win, and when I looked up from wasting the last one Sean was standing at the center of that old church staring at me like he'd never seen me before.
Maybe I should have felt a little self-conscious about the way he was staring. Maybe I should have caught a clue when the first thing I thought of was kissing him again. He just looked so...alive, and I felt alive for the first time in a long time. I mean the virus was still in my system, but as soon as my Forsaken was dead for real I felt the connection with him snap. I mean I literally felt it break, like I'd been attached to some kind of invisible string and somebody finally cut the cord. I wanted to run, to scream or maybe cry or laugh about the whole crazy, fucked-up situation. Mostly, though, I just wanted to kiss him again.
I don't know how long I stood there before he started moving, but all of a sudden he was walking toward me. I was still thinking about that kiss, I guess, because when he stopped in front of me and started turning my head from one side to the other I tried to lean into him. When I figured out he wasn't trying to kiss me again I should have been embarrassed, but I was too busy feeling for the first time in over a year and a half to worry about how I looked to him.
"You okay?" he asked, and his hands were running through my hair and then over my neck like he was looking for the hole my brain had leaked out of. That was exactly how it felt, too - like when my Forsaken got wasted he took my brain with him. I'd never asked Sean how long it took him to get over the virus once he dusted his Forsaken, but I had a feeling he was running his hands all over me because he knew that if I was hurt I wouldn't even feel it.
Finally he must have decided I was okay, because he let go of me and damn if I didn't miss those hands on me. I mean we'd been sleeping next to each other for months while we tracked my Forsaken, and we were together 24/7 so it wasn't like I'd never touched him. It felt different now, though, like for the first time since I met him I was really feeling it. Maybe he wouldn't have minded if I grabbed his hands and put them back on me. Maybe he would have understood; he'd been where I was right then, he'd come down from the virus and he knew what it felt like to be an honorary member of the walking dead.
Only his run as a vampire wannabe barely lasted a couple days, and I'd been walking around like that for almost two years. It was almost too late when we finally caught up with my Forsaken, so maybe it was more intense for me when I could finally feel again. Either way I kept my hands to myself, grinned at him and let him lead me out of the church and back to that piece of shit Charger we'd been driving around in for so long.
I still hadn't said anything when he pulled back into the motel parking lot, and I could tell by the way he was drumming his thumb against the steering wheel that I was starting to make him nervous. I didn't know how to explain it to him, though; how the hell was I supposed to put into words what it felt like to be alive again? Maybe it was shock or something, a side affect of having the psychic hotline between me and my Forsaken disconnected after all that time. Everything just felt more real, the air in the car seemed thicker and I was more aware than ever of Sean sitting so close to me that I could reach out and touch him any time I wanted to.
The thing was that I'd thought about it before. It wasn't like I'd been so far gone that I'd never thought about how sexy he was when he was trying to be funny, or when he got that intense look that put that little wrinkle in the middle of his forehead. He acted like saving my ass was the most important thing he was ever gonna do, and I'd never let myself think about why before. I'd just accepted it, let him tag along with me because I was so goddamn glad I didn't have to hitch anymore. That was what I told myself whenever I caught myself thinking about it, anyway. I just told myself it was cool to have somebody along for the ride - like a sidekick, although if I ever said that to Sean he probably would've left my ass in the next motel and fucked off back to L.A. - and it wouldn't have mattered if it was him or some other guy.
It couldn't have been some other guy, though, because nobody but Sean was crazy enough to throw away his whole life just to help me out. And yeah, it was my life we were fighting for, but he didn't owe me anything. He knew he didn't, but he still spent all that time looking for me and then worked even harder than I did to track my Forsaken down. He dusted the fucker himself; blew his head clean off without even flinching. While it was happening I was too busy fighting off another vamp to think more than 'holy shit', but once we were in the car and I pictured it again it all started to sink in. The months of looking for me, then the months of helping me track down my Forsaken, giving up his whole life knowing we might not save mine, and finally, right before we came face to face with the vampire that pretty much owned me, Sean kissed me.
If I hadn't been so fucked up from the virus I would have noticed a long time ago. Then again if I wasn't infected none of this would have ever happened, and I might have spent the rest of my life not knowing Sean. So in a way I was almost grateful that I got bit in the first place, because thinking about life without Sean in it wasn't something I wanted to spend a whole lot of time doing. Obviously it wasn't something he wanted to think about either, because he gave up everything to be with me. And when I just shrugged it off like it was no big deal that he'd tracked me down he didn't say anything, he just let me ignore the reason why and focused on finding the cure for my disease.
Right up until that kiss. If he hadn't kissed me it might have taken me a little while to get around to thinking about what he was doing following me around in the first place, but I would have gotten there eventually. It's not like I didn't know the whole time, I just couldn't think about it. I couldn't fucking feel anything, not really. All I could feel in the end was the pull of that goddamn virus, like my heart was only beating because I could feel my Forsaken in every beat. The fucker had been dead for centuries and the virus made me feel like I couldn't live without him. How fucked up is that?
Once it was gone, though - everything was different, kind of familiar but new too, like I'd shed a layer or two of skin and my nerve endings were just a little closer to the surface now. I wanted to try everything all over again just to see if it would be any different - smoke a joint, get so drunk I couldn't see straight, fuck until I couldn't stand up on my own. Only I didn't want to fuck just anybody, and for the first time I knew Sean wanted me too. Like I said, I knew before, but I didn't really think about it until the virus was out of my system. He'd never tried anything, never even touched me until that kiss. I didn't know why, but I figured maybe it had something to do with what he remembered from when the virus was in his system.
His voice sounded really close to my ear, like he was talking inside my head or something. That was a pretty neat trick, but I wasn't sure he'd be able to tell me how he'd done it if I asked. I turned to look at him and found him staring back at me, but he looked like he wasn't sure what to do with me. I wasn't sure either, but I was willing to go along with pretty much anything at that point.
"You want some food or something, or do you just want to crash? I mean I could use a shower..." He looked down at his clothes and for the first time I realized his shirt was torn in a couple places and there were some smudges on his face and hands that looked like they could be dried blood.
"Is that blood?"
"Yeah. I don't think it's mine, though," he answered, staring down at his hands like he was just noticing for the first time that they were even there.
I nodded and got out of the car, taking a minute to fill my lungs with thick, heavy summer air. The temperature hadn't dropped much overnight, and it was so humid it felt like we were walking through a swimming pool, but even that felt good now that I could feel it again. "A shower sounds good," I said without looking back at him. I could hear him behind me as I made my way to the room we'd gotten the day before, and I could almost feel him still looking at me. I knew I should say something about what happened, but 'thanks' seemed kind of lame and part of me didn't really want to talk about it anyway. Mostly I just wanted to keep feeling for as long as I could.
He kicked the door shut behind him and even that sounded louder than usual, and I turned in time to see him walking toward me again. "Nick, are you sure you're okay?" he asked, that little crease in his forehead making another appearance when he frowned at me. "I mean...you haven't said anything."
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered, looking down at myself to make sure I was all in one piece before I looked up at him again. "I think I am, anyway."
"Do you...you know, do you feel any different?"
I could tell by his expression exactly what he meant - he was asking if I could still feel the virus in my veins. I guess that meant that even though he'd only been infected for a couple days he felt it when the connection with his Forsaken was severed. "I feel...more. It's all intense, you know? Like now that the virus is gone I can actually feel again."
He nodded like he knew exactly what I meant, but he didn't say anything else. I'm not sure how long he stood there just staring back at me, but finally he cleared his throat and I watched his cheeks turn red. "Yeah, well, I'm gonna go take that shower."
Once he shut the bathroom door and turned the water on I sat down on the edge of the bed, falling backwards to stare up at the ceiling and listen to the shower run. I knew he was probably expecting more of a reaction from me - I mean he'd just saved my fucking life, I should have been bouncing off the walls or begging him to go out and get drunk with me. Something, anyway, other than lying on the bed in a ratty motel room listening to Sean take a shower.
The thing was that I could picture him in there, stripping off his torn clothes and closing his eyes when he stepped under the water. And part of me wanted to go in there, take off my own clothes and just climb in the shower with him. I had a feeling he wouldn't even mind; he'd probably be a little surprised at first, but that would wear off fast, and anyway he was the one that kissed me. I pressed my fingers to my mouth and sat up, staring at the bathroom door for a minute before I stood up.
The shower curtain was one of those see-through deals, but the bathroom was already so full of steam that I could barely see a foot in front of me. I leaned against the doorframe for a minute, listening to him groan under the spray and waiting for my eyes to adjust to the light in the bathroom.
For a second he didn't answer, and I was starting to think he hadn't even heard me when he cleared his throat. "Yeah?"
"You kissed me."
Another silence, longer than the last one, and I pushed myself off the doorframe and took my dogtags off. "Yeah," he finally answered, but his voice was quieter this time, like he wasn't sure what I was asking exactly.
"That's what you said. 'For luck'. What the fuck does that mean?"
He pulled the shower curtain back a little, just enough to look at me and see if I was trying to mess with his head or anything. When he saw that I was serious he shrugged and let the curtain fall shut again. "It's an expression. I think it comes from the Blarney Stone or something. You know, you kiss it for luck."
"Since when are you Irish?"
He laughed and the sound did things to my stomach that I hadn't felt in a long time, but as soon as I did I wanted to feel them a lot more. "I've always been Irish. You just never asked. Anyway, you don't have to be Irish to know about the Blarney Stone. I don't think you even have to be Irish for the luck to work."
I had my tank top and my shoes off by then, and I unbuttoned my jeans and let them slide to the floor before I answered. "So you kissed me because of some superstition?"
"I guess," he answered, but I could tell just by the sound of his voice that I was starting to make him nervous. "Look, I'm sorry if I freaked you out, Nick. I didn't mean anything by it."
I kicked my underwear off and tossed them in a pile with my socks and jeans, taking a deep breath before I reached for the shower curtain. I was pretty sure he wasn't gonna freak out and kick me right back out again, but nobody's every really sure about stuff like that until they actually do it. So yeah, I was a little worried that I was about to fuck up the best friendship I'd ever had, but not worried enough to stop. I stepped into the tub and closed the shower curtain behind me, waiting until he opened his eyes before I said anything.
"You sure about that?"
"Nick, what the...?"
And he looked scared; really scared, like I was thinking about killing him. Or maybe like I was still infected after all, and I was looking at him like he was some kind of midnight snack. I hated to see him looking like he was scared of me, but I had to know one way or the other. "I asked if you were sure that it didn't mean anything. Because if it didn't I'll get the fuck out of here and we can just pretend this never happened."
"I didn't...Jesus," he said, real soft like he was having a hard time focusing all of a sudden. That was when I realized I was actually touching him. I didn't remember reaching for him, but my hand was on the back of his neck and his skin felt soft and hot and slick against my palm. "I just wanted to know. In case...in case one of us didn't make it, you know? I wanted to know what it would feel like."
"That's the thing," I said, my grip tightening on him just enough to pull him forward. "Until you wasted that fucker I was having a real hard time feeling anything. So I still don't know."
"Still don't know what?"
I had to smile at that because damn, Sean could be clueless sometimes. "I don't know what it feels like," I answered right before I leaned forward and covered his mouth with mine. For a second he didn't respond, and I started to worry that maybe this wasn't what he wanted after all, like maybe he'd decided after that quick kiss in the church that he didn't really want me. I started to pull back, to give him some space in case he wanted to get away from me. As soon as I started to move he snapped out of it, and his hands clamped down so hard on my hips that I gasped against his mouth. As soon as I did his tongue was in my mouth, his whole body pressed up against mine and threatening to knock us both off our feet.
It was all I could do to brace his weight against mine and back him up against the tiles before we fell over and hurt something we might need later, but once I had him trapped between the wall and my body he calmed down a little. I don't know if he thought I was gonna change my mind or what, but there was no way I could have stopped even if I wanted to. Maybe if he'd asked me, but it would have been the hardest thing I'd ever had to do in my life. His skin felt so warm and smooth and alive against mine, his whole body trying to wrap around me at once and his hands still gripping my hips so hard I knew I was gonna have bruises.
Not that I cared; in fact I kinda liked the idea of Sean's fingerprints lasting awhile, so every time I saw them I'd remember the first time we did this. I liked that I'd probably still be able to feel his hands on me whenever I thought about this moment, feel his heart beating against mine and his dick digging into the hollow of my hip bone. He was making these needy little noises in the back of his throat, rocking against me kind of wild like he wasn't sure what he needed.
I pulled my mouth away from his to let him catch his breath, waiting for his eyes to open before I reached between us and closed my fist around his dick. He was hot and hard and pulsing against my palm, fighting to keep his eyes open as I pumped my fist up and down his shaft. And as good as he felt against my hand, I just had to know what he'd feel like on my tongue. He fought me for a second when I pushed his hands off me, then he figured out what I was doing and his whole body went slack against the wall. I slid to my knees and grabbed his hip, holding him hard against the wall with one hand. His hands were in my hair already, not trying to guide me so much as just clenching and unclenching against my scalp. Maybe it should have hurt a little, but when I closed my mouth around the tip of his cock and his hands tightened on my hair even that felt good.
He was shaking so hard I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold him up, but he spread his legs even wider when I knelt in front of him so I didn't try to stop and make him get out of the shower. I was pretty sure he wouldn't go for it anyway, so I pushed the thought out of my mind and focused on the weight of Sean's cock on my tongue. I knew it was just my heightened senses making him feel huge, but it felt like my jaw was stretched to the limit and I only had half of him in my mouth. My free hand was still wrapped around the base of his dick to hold him steady, so I let my hand wander between his legs to press against that sensitive spot behind his balls.
He jerked in my mouth when I hit the spot just right, and if my mouth hadn't been full I would have laughed. His legs spread even wider when I did it again, and I let my finger wander further back. I wasn't sure how far he wanted to take this, but when I pressed against him he just let out a groan and opened right up. I slid my finger as deep inside him as I could get it, pumping in and out in time with my mouth. He was babbling something that I was pretty sure wasn't English, and when I slid another finger inside him I was almost sure his legs were gonna give out on him.
I bent my fingers just a little, searching out that spot I knew would push him over the edge. Sure enough, as soon as I found it he tensed and clenched his fingers in my hair to hold my head still, letting out a long groan and leaving a bitter, salty taste on my tongue. I swallowed around him before I pulled my fingers out of him and sat back on my heels to look up at him. He whimpered when I pulled out of him, and I grinned when he opened his eyes to look down at me. I expected his legs to give out, to have to catch him so he didn't hit his head when he sank to the floor of the tub. Instead he pushed himself off the tiles and reached for my arms, dragging me off my knees and back up against him again.
His hand clamped down hard on my neck when he kissed me again, and I couldn't help wondering where he got that kind of strength after offing a bunch of vampires and then coming as hard as he just had. When he released my mouth again I started to suggest we get out of the shower; the water was gonna get cold eventually and even though it was hot outside I wasn't really in the mood for a cold shower. Before I got the words out he turned around and braced his hands against the tiles, spreading his legs and resting his forehead against the wall.
I've never wanted to fuck somebody so bad in my entire life, but I made myself pause long enough to wrap my arms around his waist and press my chest against his back. I planted a kiss on the side of his neck and breathed in the smell of shampoo and Sean, closing my eyes for a second to memorize the way he felt against me. "You sure you wanna do this here?" I asked, my mouth right against his ear.
He shivered and nodded, twisting his head far enough to find my mouth again. I kissed him hard before I let go of him and reached for the soap, gritting my teeth as I ran my soapy hand over my cock until it was slick. When my hands landed on his hips again he pushed back against me, and I laughed as I remembered how impatient he could be. I ran a hand down his back, pressing my mouth against the back of his neck as I slid inside. He groaned and arched back against me, pulling me all the way inside in one smooth stroke. And if I'd known it was gonna feel this good...but I guess if we'd done it before I was cured it wouldn't have felt like this.
I pulled almost all the way out of him before I slammed back in again, and when he squeezed his muscles around me to draw me in further I wasn't sure I'd be able to stay on my feet. His whole body was throbbing against mine, like I could feel his pulse everywhere on his skin. I could feel it beating against my chest, under my mouth and surrounding my dick while I fucked him. His eyes were closed but his head was back against my shoulder, his lips parted on a silent moan as he met each stroke. Holding us both up took every ounce of concentration I had left, but it was worth it to see him so open and hot and wanting. Me - he wanted me, like that wasn't completely fucked up. Nobody had ever wanted me bad enough to cross the street, let alone throw away his whole life and fight the undead for a shot at a single kiss.
I slid one arm around his waist and pulled him tighter against me as I felt myself start to lose control, burying my face in his neck as I came deep inside him. We were both breathing hard when I finally loosened my grip on him, the water was starting to get cold and I shivered as I pulled out of him and turned him toward me to kiss him again. It was over way before I was ready, but there was no way either of us would have been able to go slow that first time. I'm not sure how long we stood under the water like that, his hands in my hair and my arms around his waist while we kissed. It was slower once neither of us was in a hurry to get off, after months of waiting and worrying that this was never gonna happen.
Finally we rinsed off and turned off the water, neither one of us saying anything until we'd both dried off. I tossed my towel on the floor and headed out of the bathroom, pulling the sheet back and stretching out on the mattress while he finished brushing his teeth. When he finally made it out of the bathroom he was wearing a pair of boxers, and he had his arms crossed over his chest like he was nervous. As soon as I saw him my stomach twisted and I sat up, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and watching him sit down next to me without looking at me.
"What was that?" he asked, stealing a quick glance at me and then looking away as soon as our eyes met. "I mean was it just...I remember what it was like, coming down from the virus. Everything feels more intense, and it was probably way more intense for you because you were infected for so long. So if this was just because of that it's okay, but I just want to get things straight. If you're gonna wake up tomorrow and go back to your life..."
"Sean." I turned toward him and slid my hand under his chin to make him look up at me, desperate to stop him from babbling. I couldn't stand listening to him talk like that, so unsure of himself. The truth was he was my life, I didn't have anything to go back to and until he kissed me I wasn't sure he'd want me around after we did what we'd set out to do. The thought of just letting him walk out of my life after everything we'd been together made me want to throw up. "It's not just sex. At least it wasn't for me. What the fuck do I have to go back to? For two years all I've been thinking about is finding my Forsaken and getting my life back, and the only good thing that's come out of it is you."
When he grinned at me I knew I'd said the right thing, so I grinned right back at him and leaned in to kiss him. He let me push him back onto the mattress and crawl over him, wrapping his arms around my neck to pull me closer. I leaned down to kiss him again, but he twisted away from me and grinned when I raised an eyebrow at him.
"I have to warn you, I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work."
He laughed and shifted a little under me. "It's from 'Speed'. At the end Keanu Reeves starts to kiss Sandra Bullock, and he pulls back and says that. Then she says something about basing their relationship on sex."
"You watch way too many movies, Sean. But that part about sex I could get behind."
That made him laugh even harder, and I rolled my eyes and sat up long enough to get his boxers off him while he was too distracted to argue with me. Not that I really thought he'd mind. "When we get back to L.A. I'm gonna teach you some new hobbies."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?"
I stretched out on top of him again before I answered, shifting my hips into his and smiling at the soft moan he let out. I pressed my mouth to the side of his neck and bit down, then I kissed the spot and pulled back to look at him again. "I can think of a few things. Just be thankful you've got luck on your side."
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