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Ava, Chapter 8: Paige

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     Oh my god, oh my god, oh goddess.  What’s going on?  I am so not in control anymore.  Do I love her?  Can I commit to that promise?  Hold on, wait, don’t leave.  She’s leaving!  Grab her hand.

     “Yes.”  Maybe it’s just to make her stay.  I don’t want it to be just to make her stay, but I don’t know.  How do you know?  How can you tell if it’s true love?  But she has to stay.  I can’t let her go.  If she leaves it’ll feels like a part of me has been torn out, even when she looks at me like she doesn’t trust me it’s like I’ve been gored in the stomach.  Do I love her?

     “Hey, you gonna take that shower?  You can wear some of my clothes.”

     She nods, staring at the ground.  I shouldn’t have lied to her.  She knows I lied to her.  What do I say? ‘No, I don’t love you, but please stay because I really enjoy making out with you.’  She’ll hate me whatever I say, even if I say if you leave you’ll take a piece of me with you.  How can I belong to her?  I’ve known her for… it’s ten now, since two, for eight hours.   If I said that, she’d understand, but she still wouldn’t understand, and okay, clothes, what does she want?  Why does she want me?  I’m not good enough for anyone.  She looks like she’s been hurt so much, I don’t want to hurt her.  What did I do?  Why can’t I just be in love with her?  What does being in love feel like?  How do I know if I’m in love with her or not?  Why don’t I think I am?  God, I’m so confused.  I need to protect her.  Is that the White-lighter in me speaking or is it just caring about her?  I hate all these questions.  I’m going to protect her, and try to make her happy, she knows my secrets and I’m not worried at all, I’d trust her… I have entrusted her with my life, and I think… she has with hers.

     That’s why she’s so desperate isn’t it.  I could betray her and have her killed, or… studied, dissected, oh goddess!

     “You’re going to be all right, I love you; I love you so much.”  I’m holding her as close as I can, and I mean every word I’m saying.  I love her, I really do.  What else is it?  What can make me feel like this but being madly in love with her?  She’s my baby, she’s soft and she’s holding me back, and I just know it, I’m going to love you until the day I die, and possibly afterwards as well, no, definitely.  You’re safe here.  You’re mine.

     She’s trying to extricate herself.  I can’t do anything right, can I?

     “I think I could use that shower.”  I still don’t completely understand her.  Who am I kidding?  I hardly get her at all, but she’s going to be naked in my house, ooh, stop it!  You keep on dropping the emotional, mental connection for the physical.  She’s going to shower and you are going to take her out for lunch.  She is totally going to have shrimp toast, and I want to talk to her.  I want to understand, so I don’t screw up like this too many more times.

Continue to Chapter 9

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