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Ava, Chapter 55: Paige

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     When you're a witch you worry about how people won't understand your life; you never think you're going to be the one on the outside.  But after listening to the aliens fight about their lives, complain about their solitude, exclusion from the world, and fight for their lives, I realized how little being a witch affects my life.  I mean besides a demon invasion or two... being a witch is like a hobby.  I mean some things happen, embarrassing, deadly, but no worse than an occasionally family outing of hang-gliding or bungee jumping will affect your life, but these kids have lived with the fear of discovery for so long.  We weren't given our powers until we were older, we should have been old enough to get past the neurosis caused by living life.  some of us managed it, but most of us are still teenagers, trying to work life out and always thinking about sex.  Why can't I have grown up yet?  Why can't I just embrace my work, which I do love, and find fulfillment there?  Why am I so lost?  And she makes me feel safe and scared and fulfilled and empty all at the same time.  I want her too much and I'm disgusted with myself.  I'm tired and depressed and her touch makes me whole, and I'm so gross.  I want to be able to escape from my body and love her without any of that messiness getting involved.  I want someone to take care of me, I've been alone for so long, but everyone abandons me, my parents, my foster parent, my boyfriends, my hope, and now Piper.  Even she left me, even Ava, but she came back.  She's the only one who ever came back.  I don't ever want to let her go but if I hold her too tight will she leave again?  Did she come back for me, or for Liz?  She ran after me though, and she's shown me more of her pain than anyone I've ever known, though she has more than them as well.  She wasn't abandoned, but she never wishes she was though.  I see that image of her, standing in front of a mirror, naked, with a razor blade cut down her temple the blood trickling down her chin, her body bruised and used, but she's not crying, not disgusted, not terrified, just looking at herself, eyes soft like always, taking it all in, and then touching herself, her bruises, with savage faces flashing in her mind, closing her eyes and touching more, hurting herself just so she wouldn't feel alone.

     I step forward and slip my arms around her waist, she glances up at me, bemused and then turns back to the conversation, snuggling just a little deeper into my arms.

     Max and Michael stand up.  "We're sorry," says Max, "but we're going.  This is something I have to do.

     "If you need to escape don't be afraid to come back," Ava said.

     "Thank you.  We're sorry to leave you with her.  He spared one look to Tess, "But we don't have the time to deal with her right now.  We're leaving tonight.

     "Max  Isabel pleaded.

     "Good luck Is.  This is your chance to find out what you really want.  I know what I need to do.  I love you.

     "I love you too, Max.

     He left, with one hesitant glance toward the kitchen and a clink of rings on the table.  Michael followed, never glancing back at Maria, looking nowhere but at his fearless leader's back.

     Resting a hand on Ava's shoulder I stepped forward and picked up the pentagon.

     "I wonder how this works.  I wonder if we could make a smaller one and implant it inside Tess.

     Isabel, Ava, and Maria were staring at me.  "Well, if we can't implant a conscience at least we can try this?

     "Hey," Tess stood up, "what are you trying to do to me?

     "Castrate you.  I said, and then turned back to the pentagon.  "We've just got to figure out what makes this work.  We might be able to duplicate it with magic.

     Ava turned to Tess.  "If you do this willingly people might actually start to trust you.

     "I'll do it.  What have my powers gotten me except hatred and loneliness?

     "Phoebe, Liz!  I called.  They came in from the kitchen.  I proffered the pentagon.  "My mechanic, and my scientist.  I want you to figure out how this thing works.

     I stepped back and let them go to work.  I grabbed Ava's hand and pulled her into the kitchen.  Kylie was in there, chopping vegetables in a distracted manner.  I pulled Ava out to the back yard, then I hugged her, squishing her against me as hard as I could, she clung back just as tight.

     "I never want to let you go.  I never want you to feel lonely.  I whispered heatedly into her ear.

     She pulled back a little and looked up at me, biting her bottom lip.

     "Would that be okay?" I asked.

     "That would be very okay.  She smiled a little.  "Will you promise to squish me, a lot?


     "And kiss me whenever you can?


     "And always touch me if I'm close enough?


     "And not be afraid of hurting me, or holding me too close or too tight, I'm tough.

     "I won't be scared.

     "And will you sleep on top of me?

     "I'll try to get used to it, because, well, I really like you, Ava.

     "Well, I really really like you too.

Continue to Chapter 56

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