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Ava, Chapter 54: Isabel

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     Max and Michael arrived ten minutes ago.  I haven't told them yet, about what happened, about what Tess did for us.  Right now everyone is arguing about what to do with her.  She's just sitting on the floor staring at her hands.  I don't know what's going through her head.  I don't think anyone knows what's going through her head.  I feel like Maria thinks she made a mistake, not with me, how could that ever be a mistake, but she keeps on staring into the kitchen.  She can't see Liz from here, she's behind the wall, and she doesn't care.  She made her decision already, as I've made mine.  I don't need to be here except to tell them what happened.  Maria's here because she wants someone to change her mind, someone, anyone to tell her she's wanted.  But even I told her that she was just fun.  She gives it up too easy-she always has.  I don't need to be convinced, I just need to tell them.  Kyle's keeping an eye on Tess.  He was the closest to her, and she hurt him the most.  He's not listening to the argument.  He knows he's not invited.  I wonder if he's wondering about what he's going to do.  I wonder if he would go home if he knew, but he was the one of us who could always go home, he came to get out of Roswell, leave the small town and the small town dreams behind.  I wonder if Jesse would find him a job.  I wonder if Jesse's moved on, found someone else since graduation.  I wonder if just going back to him will be enough for me.  I never really had dreams, I just invaded other people's.  I wasn't like Liz knowing exactly what I wanted and after this crazy alien detour she's back on track.  I just wanted a family, my family, but now they're leaving me for an alien planet, but I won't go with them.  I can't, they don't understand that it's real, that the Antar that's made up, inside their heads, a mixture of memories and comic books isn't real.  They're just like little boys, wanting to play at being king.  Don't they realize that being king won't change their lives.  They'll still be as human and as fucked up as they always were.  I know what I was like back then, delusional, self-centered, disgusting.  They don't have as many memories as I do.  They don't have to try to force their own minds apart, this is Isabel, this is me, that's Vilondra, don't listen to her, or is it Vilondra, is there a difference at all, is it all just me, combining those terrifying thoughts with a strong tie to home and family.  Think of the dupes, Max, not dead Zan or poor Ava, but of Rath and Lonnie.  Think of them and learn who you really are.  Don't go, Max!  Don't go!

     "Max!  We can go home now.  Tess blew up the last of the Alien Hunters.  They don't believe in us anymore.  Let's go home.

     He looks at me and I know it's not going to change anything.  It's not going to help.  My brother's going to Antar and I can't stop him.

     Ava's still arguing with him.  She knows what it's like for people to want this without knowing what they're getting into.  To want it so much that they're willing to do anything to get it.  they're willing to leave me.  Leave Liz and Maria, leave everything for a stupid dream.

Continue to Chapter 55

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