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Ava, Chapter 46: Ava

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     She's jealous.  I can see it in her eyes when ever she looks at Liz.  Jealous of what?  Jealous because I didn't succumb too soon to lust.  Jealous because she was my friend and you were my lover.  If Zan was here, be jealous, burn with that jealousy that brings out the dark in your eyes.  Would you hurt me if you were scared I'd go back to him?  Would you press me down and viciously make me yours?  If he were back would I stay with you?  Yes.  There's no way I would leave with him if there were even a chance of chaste friendship with you.  I don't want to go back to the way everyone took advantage of me.  Oh, Paige, maybe I've been spoiled by your love, but thanks.  Thank you for spoiling me with kindness and love like a red carpet spread out in front of me, making me feel special.  No one has ever made me feel special but you.  And when you caught me and kissed me  I don't care anymore.  I know you love me.  I know you want me.  I know you're complicated and confused and this probably isn't going to work out.  But even when I see you I'm not afraid anymore.  I just have to see you, just see you and I can take on the world.

     Liz is a friend.  A young attractive friend who apparently has no interest in relationships because she just walked out on her husband.  Why do you think I want her over you?

     I take Paige by the back of her arm.

     "We should do something.

     "Huh.  I could hear the change in her breath the moment I touched her arm.  Apparently I short-circuit her brain.

     "All together, do something.

     "Like a movie?  she suggests.

     "No!  why would we all want to go see a movie together, I mean, that's awful, I'm pretty sure not all of us are that interested in

     Liz speaks, "why not a movie?  Do you have any good ones?

     I stare in horror.  I'm sorry, but I've never been interested in watching that stuff.  Rath liked it.  He would go see some and then he would come back and beat me.  Lonnie would come back with some new ways of taking me.  I can't believe

     Leo grins, "we have Michael.

     Liz smiles, "that's a good one.

     Paige rests her hands on my shoulders, "why don't you want to see a movie?

     "Look, I'm not ashamed of the things they did to me, but I don't want to watch it.

     Liz and Leo are staring blankly at me.  Paige is the first one to make the leap.

     "It's just a movie, not a porn movie.  Have you ever seen a regular movie?


     "No sex, we'll make sure there's none if you don't want to.

     Liz is cringing a little, Leo is blank in horror.  I hate that they look at me like that.  But she doesn't, her arms are around my waist.  I look her in the eyes.

     "I'm not ashamed of what they did to me.

     She nods, her eyes never turning away, never flicking to hide the horror.  She can see that I am ashamed and she still looks like she wants to kiss me.  I would let her, but it's a little complicated right now.  She knows that it's what I want, but I'm scared now.  She made me feel like I shouldn't want it but she's the only one who understands that I do.  It's so complicated.  Why won't she just do it to me?  But she won't because she loves me, and she doesn't want to hurt me.  My vulnerability turns against me with a kind soul.  I'm tough though.  Maybe if I showed her how tough I can be

     It's silly.  I don't know if it will ever work, but I like her, no matter what, I think I could be her friend.  Once you're my friend it's not easy to lose that.  And once I decide what I want, you won't be able to stop me.

Continue to Chapter 47

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