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Ava, Chapter 40: Kylie

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     I love you.  I wrap my arms around my knees and rock.  I love you.  I can't help it.  it burns inside.  I love you more than anything.  I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel weak and hopeless and completely un in charge of myself.  I know I love you, but it isn't worth it, it isn't!  Anger, burning, flare, I'm screaming, I can't take this.

     My hands are scorching, the curtains and bedspread is licking with flame.  What's going on, there's fire, everywhere.  Oh dammit.  I run, pull on the alarm, dash down sixteen flights of stairs, slip and fall to the bottom.  Then climb to my feet and walk out the door.  My taxi is parked outside.  I get in.  Behind me the hotel is going up in flames and people are running out.  I tell him an address I didn't know I memorized.  I'm not giving in.  I can't tell myself that I'm giving in, but I think I need help.

     I don't want to go see her, and her eyes that look into me.  I don't want to see her perfection intermixed in her destruction.  I don't want to go crazy, but I don't think she'll help.  I want to leave, but I don't want to, it's unfair, I'm so confused and I want to leave, I want to get out of this city, so strange, pretty, but hers, not mine.  It's her city, I'm on her turf, and I'm afraid of her. I want to go home, but after this I don't think I can.  Maybe I could find Makhi, I don't know her, but I'm less afraid of her than I am of Phoebe.  She's not mine,  she's not mine anymore, and I'm scared.  What am I scared of?  Losing control, it's always losing control, it's just losing grasp of that tenuous grasp I have over my own life, and that's why I'm staying, for just a little bit longer.  I'm staying because I need to assert control over myself.  I will fight temptation, and I will learn to squelch this wild power that made me set the fucking hotel on fire!  I will face her, and I will never succumb.  It will turn me into an iron nosed bitch, but I hope I'll be able to drop it once I'm out of sight of her.  All I wanted was to have fun and to do what I love, I was fine without her, that's what I keep telling myself.  And I will be fine again.

     The taxi pulls up in front of the house, and I get out.  I take my bag from the back, pay the driver, and walk up the steps, right into Phoebe.  She looks at me, and I can see that she's just as terrified as I am.  She steps back into the hall and I look her up and down, and I laugh.  I'm just laughing and I can't help it.  I stumble into the hall and drop my bag.  She catches me and holds me and I smile at her.  I can face her, this smile, this black t-shirt and jeans.  I pet her hair.  She's a good friend of mine.  I guide her to the side and I smile at Piper.

     "Hi, I just burned down my hotel with unrestrained magical power.  Can I stay here for a bit?

Continue to Chapter 41

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