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Ava, Chapter 36: Paige

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     She caught up with me a block down the road.  "Paige," I heard her call, and her hand caught my arm.  I whirl throwing her arm off, and raise my hand to strike her in the face.

     "Hit me, come on, you know you want to.  She was baiting me, but I didn't want to hit her, I saw her and I wanted to fall on my knees and cling like a limpet, begging her to forgive me.  But that's not what she wants me to do.  I don't want to hurt her.  I don't want to.

     "Liz needs a place to stay.  She's not used to living the way I am.  You're the social worker, aren't you going to help?

     She hated it that I was a social worker; she hated it when people tried to fix her life.  Am I just doing the same thing?  Am I trying to fix her?

     Why am I so angry?  She ran away from me.  She's scared of me.  That's exactly what I didn't want.  How much of an idiot am I?  I've screwed up so many times.  Why are all these things so hard to say?  In my mind I can shout I love you, and hope you hear it telepathically.  In my head I can say I'm sorry, but my pride wont let my lips move.  Ava, why won't you read my mind? I want you to love me.  I want to work this out.  I don't want to stand here trapped in my own mind any longer.  I want to feel your mouth under mine again.  I want to kiss you all over your face.  I want to drown you, smother you in my love so you'll never need anything else.  I'm sorry, Ava.  I'm sorry I'm not enough for you.  You drive me insane?  Do you know that?  I never want to hurt you, but sometimes I want you so much that I'll be willing to hurt you just a little bit, just so you'd stay.  But I don't want to, and I'm walking a fine line here, it's the same line I've always walked before.  What is more?  Do I love you or want you more?  And which one goes with which?  If I hurt you because it's what you want is it because of love?  If I hurt you so you'll stay is it from desire?  But if I hurt you because I want you, what am I then?  What kind of monster does that make me?  I know you don't see it that way, but I don't want to be like everyone else in your life.  Even if it means I lose you I want to show you something better.  Wasn't it enough when I just held you?  Did you feel what I felt, complete invulnerability?  I don't want you to have to remember me with bruises; I never want to leave your side.

     "Go off and get drunk, or whatever you were going to do then, if you won't help.  She turns away, but I'm not letting her go.  I grab her arm and reel her in, sliding my other arm round her waist.  I press my lips against hers and kiss her.

     My head spins with images, a thick muscular boy coming at me with a baseball bat.  A short-haired girl in a leather jacket removing my clothes and chaining me to the wall, a thin dark haired boy glancing away from me with disgust in his eyes.

     Ava shoves away from me, "you shouldn't surprise me like that!  You didn't want to see that, I didn't want you to see that

     I kiss her again.  Doesn't she know it just makes my heart ache for her more?

Continue to Chapter 37

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