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Ava, Chapter 34: Piper

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     Sometime yesterday, probably while I was making Phoebe cry, Paige left.  I know this because she came back tonight around two in the morning, drunk.  I was awake at this time because I never went to bed.  I don't ever want to go to bed again.  I was cooking when she walked in and tripped over the rug in the entrance.  I made sure she hadn't gotten herself into a state of alcohol poisoning, but she was mostly drunk on misery and only a little vodka.  And they say Phoebe is the one with the premonitions, did I not know this was going to happen?  I didn't know what would happen to me though, and that's why I'm cooking now.  If I keep busy I can't dwell on the guilt.  It's not like it's anyone else's fault.  Leo didn't do anything to make me betray him.  Did he neglect me on purpose?  He had to work, do I need his attention every moment?  It's not Phoebe's fault.  I should have known it was a stupid idea.  I did know it was a stupid idea, but I wanted to do it.  There's no other reason to have done it.  I wanted to.  And it's not her fault.  It's not.  She was just in the right place at the right time.  Maybe she is a fallen whitelighter, but she didn't fall because she was in love with me.  She didn't force me into it.  I had no objections.  I wasn't going to stop someone who wanted to kiss me.  Leo's too busy and she was the first person who actually wanted to.  No!  don't think about that!  Don't think about the way you feel like you know her, the way you recognized her the first time you saw her, or the way she seemed to understand everything you said.

     Phoebe walks down the stairs at half past three.  Are we not the best sleepers?  She sees Paige asleep on her side on the couch with a bucket I put next to her and checks her skin color and breathing.

     "She'll be fine, she'll just have a nasty hangover tomorrow.  I should know, I've checked you for the symptoms more than once.

     Phoebe walks over to me and breathes in deeply.  "Scones?  she asks.

     "Want an early breakfast?  They're just staying warm in the oven.

     "It's nice to see you in the kitchen again," she says as she opens the oven door.

     "At three in the morning?

     "You know you're my favorite sister, Piper.

     "What's this about?  Planning to go back to New York with her?

     "No.  I just want to know if it will be worth it to stay

     "Without her?

     "You have no idea how much I want her back!

     "You've lived without her for years now!  You've had other loves; you've survived.  You don't need her!

     Paige made a move on the couch in response to the shouting, and made a groaning noise that sounded way too much like...Ava.  I roll my eyes in her direction and look back at Phoebe.

     "Look at yourself, you're not like that, you pulled through.

     "But, it's different now, before it was crazy, mostly lust, I didn't feel like she wanted anything else.  But now she's different, the way she's so sure she doesn't want me, that I think she does.

     "Phoebe!  You idiot!  Just listen to what you're saying.  Do you chase rejection?  Now that she doesn't want you, you can't get enough of her?

     "It's not like that, I, I can't explain, but I feel like she could heal me.

     "You're not sick.

     It's so easy isn't it, to just unload all your burdens onto another person, don't you understand that the only one who can fix you is you.  You have to decide to become strong and deal with your own problems.  You'll fuck her up, Phoebe, all you'll do is fuck her up.  I should tell Kylie to run as fast as she can back to New York until our romance advisor gets her head on straight.

     "You just don't want me to be happy.

     "I don't want you to make her miserable, and I think that if you expect her to make your life better you'll destroy her with your hope.


     "Listen to me for once, know who you are before you unpack a time bomb on anyone else.

     "Piper, you're talking gibberish.

     "Do you think you deserve her love?  Do you think you've done anything to deserve anyone's love?

     She starts smiling knowingly, "this is about you isn't it?

     "No!  I screamed at her, "Get it through your thick head, this has to do with everyone in the whole fucking world!

     She stared at me and I threw a muffin tin to the ground, then I stormed out of the kitchen, past a suddenly awake Paige, out of the door and into the car.  I drove down to P3 and parked.  She wasn't even inside.  She was waiting on the ledge outside, waiting for me.  I felt like an addict, like an alcoholic.  Need held me in it's grasp, and I knew the euphoria wouldn't last long, but there wasn't anything I wanted more when she slipped her hands into mine and we dissolved into purple sparkles.

Continue to Chapter 35

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