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Ava, Chapter 28: Paige

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

     I can't do this anymore.  I can't not care about life.  I don't know what I'm doing but I have to do something.  I must have loved her, it makes me sick to think that word.  Why is it so frightening, what does it mean. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?  God, I'm scared, I'm scared, so scared, it's not fair.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can't I find anything the way it used to be now that she's gone.  I don't want to admit that she means that much to me.  I don't want to admit that life isn't beautiful and sparkly and colorful now she's gone.  It isn't terrifying either.  I'm so scared of hurting her, and then she wanted me to, and then I hurt her worse than I could physically.  I told her that she was sick and disgusting.  Why will this never work?  Why can't I try?  If I wont try I should just kill myself, there's no point in being miserable forever.  Why can't I look for her?

     Wait, what was that?  Look for her.  Where would she go?

     I hear Phoebe calling at me.  But I've got my coat, I'm heading out the door.  Why should I stay if I can't live?  What makes the problem unfixable?  I can't give her what she wants, but. . . I can fix her?  You sicko, but I'm going anyways.  I'm going.  I'm not going to give up on this.

Continue to Chapter 29

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