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Ava, Chapter 20: Ava

Reply to Alsike

Posted to June 27, 2004

      I disgust her.  There's nothing else.  I'm a grotesque pervert and why was I fooling myself to think it might ever work out anyways.  I thought she could take anything.  "oh, I'm an Alien." No big, but "oh, I'm a masochist," go to hell.  It's epic.  Nothing was ever meant to happen.  It was a stupid mistake, but here I am, back where I belong, the alleys. Liz picked me up out of the alley for the first time and I thought I deserved better, but who was I trying to fool? 

      "Who's that?"


      No, not Zan, Zan's dead.

      "Max, you're Max, right?"

      "Ava, I found you, darling."

      "Max, what are you talking about?"

      "I'm not Max, I'm Zan, and I remember everything.  We'll get the granolith and use its power to overthrow Khivar.  We'll have our lives back.  Oh Ava, I love you."

      "Max, what happened, what about Liz?"

      "Liz is nothing to our lifetime together."

      "Zan, no, Max, it's not the same."

      "Come with me, to the Granolith.  You'll remember, and we're going home.  The rebels that were fighting Khivar killed him.  They want to reinstate the royal four."

      What do I do?  He's always been so very comfortable with authority, so hard to disobey, and the way he's looking at me  There's nothing holding me to this planet, nothing but a single smile  I have nothing.  She doesn't want me.  He does.  He's my master.  He's all I have.

      There's his jeep.  We're going back to Roswell.  Did I ever really leave?

      "What happened to Tess?"

      "She's dead, but it doesn't matter, because you're the real Ava."

      "I'm not, I'm part human too."

      "Exactly.  She was the reject."

      "She wasn't.  I know I am."

      "But she was, all that destiny bullshit.  First I find Liz in Kyle's bed.  Then she came back."


      "Liz said she blew herself up."


      "She blew her self up.  I don't believe it.  That's not like her.  It was all a ploy, but it didn't work.  The granolith sent me to you."

      "Oh."  I don't trust him.  He's cold and wooden, kingly, aloof, but there's no way back.  Only forward, and forward is with him.

      "Do you mind taking those things out."  It wasn't a question, and I obeyed automatically.  Maybe I should dye my hair brown.  He's the man.  I can't believe I'm planning on leaving the planet.  All Rath and Lonnie ever wanted to do was go home, it was never my dream.  I just wanted someone who would love me.  It's always what you most want that's what you can never find.  All I had was Ava's faded devotion to a man who cared more for his country than his wife, Zan, full circle I suppose.  Lonnie's violent "alien sex," Liz's taste of friendship, and then her, Paige, the girl I thought I could love forever, but who never loved me.  Now here I am with a man who has no more love.  He is just brimming with hate from his betrayals.

      No!  get off of me, you have no right to touch me!  He sees a patch of wriggling scorpions and lets me go.  I sleep squeezed between the seats in the jeep.  He couldn't find someone who looked like Liz so he chose me.  I want to go home.  Home?  Is she home?  I dreamt of her hands, her mouth, her smile, no longer restrained by kindness.  I wake and we're driving again, through the desert, route 66, back to Roswell.  He's not speaking to me.

      "You'll be different when you remember."  I grew up with the memories Zan.  That's what I've  been looking for all my life, but I'm not and I'm not Ava.  I'm not Tess either, too proud to admit she made a mistake.  I'm a whole person, more alien than human or more human than alien I don't know, but I'm me.  I was raised to be a masochist.  I was programmed to hunt down love.  I was trained to sit down and shut up.  Everything in me fought, but I decided I wasn't going back.  I wasn't going with them.  Where did I get the strength?  I loved Zan, but not Max, not even my Zan.  I loved the old Zan, the memory of him, but these creatures tainted by humanity could never be him.  I had Paige and I let her go.  Where was my strength then?  Why didn't I fight for her?  I need to go back.  I need to fight for her, or what's the point.

Continue to Chapter 21

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