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Ava, Chapter 19: Paige

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Posted to June 27, 2004

     I wake up and find that Ava has half wriggled underneath me while we slept.  Mascara has left black tracks down her face.  Why was she crying?  I knew I shouldn’t have rushed into this, but she started it, and I wanted it, and it just escalated.  I want to keep her.  Let me keep her, like I haven’t been able to keep anyone.  I try to move off of her but she whimpers so I climb fully onto her.  She wraps her arms around me and purrs a little, my punker angel.

     She squirms under me and opens those bluest eyes.

     “Hey,” she smiles with her mouth, but not with her eyes.  I kiss her mouth and tease her lip ring with the tip of my tongue.  “Hurt me.”

     That’s what I thought I heard.  She whispered it so quietly.  Why would she have said that?

     “Hurt me.”  She said it in a wispy voice from the back of her throat.

     “What?” I was begging her that she didn’t mean what I thought she meant.

     She sat up pushing me up in her lap.  She took my hand and placed it on her shoulder, covering it with her own she dragged it down.  My nails left glowing red lines across her chest.

     “No.” I climbed quickly out of bed, pulling a sheet around me.  Ava pulled her knees to her chest and rocked gently back and forth.  She wouldn’t look at me.  She stroked the lines I had made, re-scratching and darkening each one.  I stood there, love shattered around my ankles. It wasn’t enough for her, she couldn’t feel the kindness; she wanted the pain.  I wanted to curl up into a ball and rock like she did, to feel safe, contained, but I wasn’t safe.  When she had crawled all over me, with the kisses that had gone out of control, when she bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood, when she marked my body with those nails, when I gave her everything, I had never even tried to hurt her, not even to leave a mark, and that’s what she wanted.  I can’t give her that.  I can’t…

     “No, no, I can’t do that.”

     “It’s easy.”

     “I don’t want to.”

     She slid out of bed and stood in front of me.  “I need you to.”

     She slipped her arms around me.  “No, please.”

     “It’s inside of you, just let it out.”  I shoved her away.  She stumbled back.  When she regained her balance she grinned at me.  “You’re not pure angel.”

     “No!  I can’t!  It’s not inside of me.”

     She slipped her arms around me again.  I buried my head in her shoulder.

     “You want to.  I saw it inside of you, but you won’t let it out.  It’s not wrong to give it.  I want to feel you.”

     “No!”  I put everything I had into that.  She’s so very soft and small; is the darkness inside so far away?  She would squirm and writhe and scream.  I could make her scream…  it’s so wrong.  How can she ask me to do that?

     “Fine, I’ve never come out without  bruises before.  It was a new experience.  Thank you for that.”

     “Whore.” I spit it at her.  How can she say that?

     She nods and starts putting on her old clothes.  I’m not enough for her.  I don’t love her.  How can you love someone who wants you to hurt them?   All I can do is let her go.

Continue to Chapter 20

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