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New Beginnings, Chapter 1
Reply to Alex ParrishPosted to the RoswellSlash mailing list October 6, 2003
Part:1/19 "New Beginnings"
Author: Alex Parrish
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Katims, Metz and the WB. No infringement is intended. I own nothing, Trust me. Suing is futile!
Distribution: Roswell Slash Archive/Others Ask
Rating: X? Explicit sex and language
Spoilers: Nothing in particular and seasons 1,2,3 in general
Thanks: To aunty_mib, Beta extraodinaire, eh!
Summary/General: The lives of the 7 primary characters for 9 months after they leave season 3.
Summary/Chapter: At Liz's insistance, Kyle begins a diary.
I guess that is the way I'm supposed to begin; or do you call a journal 'Dear Diary?' Don't know. I could ask Liz, but that would invite another lecture on how "it doesn't matter what I write, and how important it is and bla, bla, bla." I'm not in the mood.
First; It wasnžt even my idea to write a journal -- it was Liz's idea. She is driving us nuts trying to get each of us to keep a journal as a record of our strange life. I think everyone is giving it a try except Michael -- He's immune to nagging and I'm not sure if he can write anyway. So, one day when I was feeling a little lonely and cut-off -- for good reason -- she suggested I start my journal and that I could write and talk to it just like a person. Gee, my own personal imaginary-friend! She has kept a journal for years. She also suggested that it would be an historical reference that I will, most likely, be glad to have in the future. Yeah, fat chance; unless I can think of some way to make my history more interesting than my actual life. She told me that she puts everything in her journal; actions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, everything. (I wonder if I should include my X-rated dreams?) I don't know if I can do this thing, but I am going to try. Why not? It's not like I'm too busy saving the world from alien invasion this week.
It is a no-brainer that the person I miss most is my Dad. I think I will write this as though I was talking to Dad.
Second - Im not much of a writer -- I never liked to write in school and haven't done much since, so I am not going to try to make this fancy or anything, I'm just going to tell my story as though I was telling Dad. So maybe I should start that way?
I sure do miss you. First of all -- we're all right -- all seven of us; yes, Jesse is with us too -- I'll tell you more about that as I go along. I can't tell you where we are because someday someone might find this journal and use it to track us down, but I wish I could just tell you in-person that we got away from Roswell OK, and that we are all right. I know how it must worry you.
I hardly know where to begin. It's awful cold here. And lonely. We are in a place that is very isolated. We have managed to rent a really large place that was built as a lodge; but has gone out of business. We told the real-estate agent that we were a religious group who needed solitude for meditation and prayer. She believed it. The lodge has 12 (!) bedrooms, accessible from a balcony around three sides of the central room. The 'Great Room" in the center is open to the ceiling at about 25 feet, with a humongus stone fireplace taking up most of the fourth wall. Each bedroom has its own bathroom There's a huge kitchen, a large dining room, and several small rooms besides. The place is completely furnished, and came complete with kitchen equipment, linens, and a small library. It even has an infirmary with all sorts of medical supplies. Kind-of makes me wonder what kind of Lodge they were running here. No wonder it closed. It's big enough that I usually can find a quiet spot to get away from everybody if I need to, and I sometimes need to. This place is kind-of like being in one of those TV reality shows, like "big house" only, unfortunately, we never get to vote anyone out. That's yet another reason Liz suggested I try a journal.
Why couldn't you have tipped-off the feds that we were headed for Greenland? Then we could have ended up in someplace with sun and beaches instead of freezing our butts off.
There's one more thing I wish I could have told you in person. Sometimes it bothers me that I never told you. I don't want you to think that I left Roswell just to get away from the expectation that you (and others) had, that I should go into Law Enforcement. I know I was harsh with you when you suggested it, but I didn't mean to hurt you, or to suggest that Law Enforcement was somehow beneath me. I want you to know that I am really glad you are back on the force and, I should have told you before -- I'm really, really proud of you. You are my first and still best role-model.
I also said that I felt that there was nothing for me in Roswell, and that is partly true. At one point I talked to Toby about the future and the possibility of his taking on a partner. He completely dissed the idea, and, in retrospect, I was overreaching a little. I realize now that I never really wanted a future knee-deep in filthy oil, as a grease-monkey. I was just grasping at straws.
I also said -- to you and to the "pod-squad" -- that I was fearful that, since Max healed me, I might begin to exhibit latent alien powers (Did you know that Liz developed alien powers?)and that I might start buzzing and crackling like tinfoil in a microwave. That is still a possibility, but It was not the deciding factor in my decision to leave.
My decision to leave Roswell has its roots in the football camp I attended the summer between Sophomore and Junior years; the same summer I began to embrace Buddhism.
One of the things I learned from the Buddha is the importance of being true to your inner-self. I began to realize that there was a part of my life that was a lie, and I was spending a lot of time and energy maintaining that lie. I think you suspect what the truth is, but, I could not bring myself to tell you, until now. You even commented at one point that you had noticed that I wasn't dating any particular girl, and that I didn't seem to be dating at all. You were partly right. I wasn't dating any particular girl, but I was secretly dating, and hiding it from you and everyone else pretty effectively; not that hiding it was hard to do, since you spent so little time around the house for much of that period. Much harder to maintain after you quit your job and were around all the time, but we managed. Dad, I'm gay.
There, I said it (or actually wrote it). I am not ashamed of it anymore, and, yes, I'm sure it isn't just a "phase". It is something I have known since I was about 10, and worked very, very hard to hide. I hid it from everyone, not just you. I don't think that anyone except Max knew (but I am "out" to everyone in our little group now). For years, I maintained the image of a "jock" and a "ladies man" both to hide from others and to try and convince myself that I wasn't gay. It didn't work. I am gay. Please don't blame yourself -- its not anything you did or didn't do -- it just IS. I'm still the same loudmouthed, spoiled brat, whiney jerk of a jock you loved, I've just added gay to that list. I know you are open enough to accept me, and I know you still love me-- I just hope that you're strong enough not to feel badly about it -- I don't.
There's more. The primary reason I left Roswell is that I couldn't imagine my life without Max Evans. Max and I have secretly been lovers for about a year now. I know, I've bad-mouthed Max and been sarcastic about him as often as possible, but that was just part of our plan to hide our relationship until after graduation. Graduation just happened to coincide with the imperative to leave Roswell. Please believe me, I WAS going to tell you; events just caught up with us before I could.
I hope this helps you make sense of my actions over the last year, and my willingness to leave Roswell, and you, behind.
Now that I got that off my chest, I can be free to tell you about our life after Roswell.
Continue to Chapter 2
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