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Fangst for the Memories 2: The Phantom Pregnancy

Reply to Alerion

Posted to the rwguiltypleasures mailing list July 13, 2001

DISCLAIMER: See Chapter 1 and add my profound apologies to the people who wrote the Rocky Horror Show and the Lumberjack Song.

[Archivist's Note: I have appended the original lyrics to 'Let's Do the Time Warp Again' and 'The Lumberjack Song' at the end of the story.]



SCENE: The Roswell Observatory. Max is naked and wrapped round a beanbag. Tess is doing her nails on the other side of the room.

MAX: (to Beanbag) Oh Tess, let me mash you with my meat mallet!

TESS: Anything you say dear. Mash away! (Continues filing)

MAX: (to Beanbag) Oh Tess, let me pound you with my passion piston!

TESS: Sure thing Max. {covers her mouth, yawning}

BEANBAG: (to Tess) How long do I have to put up with this?

TESS: (to Beanbag) At least an hour, I have my rep to consider.

Mercifully the scene ends.

[---------------------------]

SCENE: Valenti's House.

MAX: Let's go

TESS: Max, are you sure you want to do this?

MAX: Yes. {You need to describe some action here. Before you described Tess filing her nails while Max was tied to a beanbag.}

TESS: Right.

They kiss-TESS sees flash of MAX and LIZ kissing

TESS: Oh my God, Max! You kissed Liz! You bastard!

MAX (under breath) Thank God, she didn't see the way I feel about Kyle.

TESS: (smugly) Don't worry, you won't remember her where we're going.

SCENE: Elsewhere in Roswell

LIZ: Oh my God!! Tess just mindwarped Alex! You bastard!

MARIA: What?

LIZ: Oh my God!! Tess just mindwarped Kyle! You bastard!

MARIA: What?

LIZ: Oh my God!! Tess just mindwarped Max! You bastard!

LIZ, MARIA and KYLE are in MARIA's Jetta on the way to the Granitolith Chamber.

LIZ: There's the mile marker. Kyle, how much further?

KYLE: It's just up ahead.

LIZ: But you've never been here before!

LIZ, MARIA and KYLE are running up the hill to the Palaeolith Chamber

LIZ, KYLE, MARIA: Wait it's right here. Hey guys open up. (They see someone sitting in the lotus posture outside the cave.)

JOSH LYMAN: Om mani padme hum.

ALL: Aren't you the White House deputy chief of staff?

JOSH: The shrinks ordered me out here to meditate in the peaceful atmosphere of the New Mexico desert. Thank God I was only shot. If I'd been tortured and sexually abused for hours by an alien hunter who knows what might have happened? I might have spent the entire season trashing all my friends and getting tricked into a shotgun marriage with an intergalactic blond psychopath.

Skin sticks head up behind rock. MICHAEL explodes Skin.

LIZ: Peaceful atmosphere. Cool.

Second Skin sticks head up behind rock. MICHAEL explodes Skin.

KYLE: Meditation. Cool.

Third Skin sticks head up behind another rock. MICHAEL explodes Skin.

TESS: Intergalactic blond psychopath. Cool.

Fourth Skin sticks head up behind yet another rock. MICHAEL explodes Skin.

MAX: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Cool.

JOSH: (looks at dead Skins and winces) On second thoughts, maybe I should just go back to the peaceful atmosphere of the West Wing. (Brushes off pieces of Skin and departs in mysterious black helicopter)

MICHAEL, LIZ, MARIA, and KYLE rush into the Mesolith Chamber

MICHAEL leaves and finds LIZ, MARIA and KYLE outside the door.

MARIA (to Michael): Oh my God, Michael! Tess just killed Alex! You bastard!

MICHAEL: What? I thought you said Tess did it.

LIZ: Oh my God, Max. Tess just mindwarped Alex. But he broke out of the mindwarp and she killed him. And she faked the pregnancy! We found the test results.

KYLE: It's true,I was there, I witnessed it.

MAX: You watched while we were doing it? Why didn't you ever say anything?

KYLE: Because she mindwarped me! Besides... (blushes heavily)

TESS: (seizing result slip and altering molecular structure) That's not a pregnancy test result slip. Its a copy of the Gettysburg Address. Here read it: 'You can mindwarp some of the people some of the time...'

LIZ: Lincoln didn't say that in the Gettysburg Address!

TESS: Pedantic bitch!

KYLE: (to TESS) You lived in my home, you were like my sister!

MAX (looking at TESS): How long?

TESS: About 3 minutes.

KYLE: No, you lived in my house a lot longer than 3 minutes. You're lying again!

MAX (to TESS): Did you kill Alex?

TESS: Max, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

MAX: Why?

TESS: You'd get the egg shells stuck in your teeth, you dolt! Look Max, the-the clock's ticking, we don't really have time...

MAX: TELL ME WHY!

TESS: It[']s a subtle cinematic device to excite the audience and maybe then they won't notice how thin the backstory is.

LIZ: Shouldn't that be 'Listen, Max'? You hear ticking, you don't see it.

TESS: Pedantic bitch!

MAX: So you just, you just killed him?

TESS: I didn't mean to. His brain was just so weakened by reading this script, and... look, none of this matters now.

TESS hands spangled canes and top hats to everyone. They begin tap dancing. It is not a pretty sight.

TESS:
It's astounding, time is fleeting
Mindwarps take their toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control

ALL:
I remember doing the Mindwarp
Drinking those moments when
The script would just hit me and Tess would be calling
Let's do the Mindwarp again...
Let's do the Mindwarp again!

TESS:
It's just a jump to the left
(all jump to the right)
And then a step to the ri-i-i-ii-ight
(all step to the left)
Put your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Mindwarp again!

BEANBAG: (from outside) Not in my experience!

ALL:
It's so dreamy, oh Destiny free me
So you can't see me, no no no not at all
In another dimension, with royalistic intention
Well-secluded, I see zip

MICHAEL:
With a bit of a mind flip
You're into the plot slip
And nothing can ever be the same
You're spaced out on sensation, like you're under sedation
Let's do the Mindwarp again!

MAX:
Well I was walking through the maze just a-having a think
When an FBI guy gave me an evil wink
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a torture room and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again
Let's do the Mindwarp again!

LIZ: None of us ever tap danced before!

TESS: It shows, trust me.

LIZ: Oh my God, Max. She just mindwarped us again! You bastard!

MAX: (tripping over cane) You're always so suspicious Liz, what makes you think we're being mindwarped?

TESS does nails. The rest do a furious finger-tapping sequence.

MAX: Life matters Tess. My life, your life, his...

TESS: What matters is getting home, but you could never understand that could you? I might have been able to teach you but that stupid bitch had you wrapped around her...

MAX: Don't you ever call her that! I can stand you being a serial killer but bad language disgusts me to the core!

KYLE: (under breath) Max has a core? Wow! (blushes again)

TESS: See! Look how fast you run to her defence! Why couldn't you ever feel that about me? I'm your wife, Max! I'm big-swollen with child! (looks down hopefully at totally flat stomach)

MAX: This was all some kind of plan to fake being pregnant and go home, wasn't it?

LIZ: He's so quick-thinking! (sighs)

MAX: How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How could I ever marry you? If I'd got treatment for post-traumatic stress I might have realised you've been mindwarping me left, right and centre.

TESS: You were different-- you were a king! You were into mass murder and kitten-strangling! Now you're just a boy. You have moral values! Yuk! You kill me, Max, you kill our son.

MAX: Go. This plotline isn't over, Tess

FANS: Pity about that.

TESS:
Maxwell Evans, its all over,
Your Destiny's a failure!
Your lifestyle's not extreme!
We return to Planet Antar!
Prepare the transit beam!

ALL: Shouldn't that be Transitolith?

TESS: It wouldn't rhyme. (Enters Monolith.)

MAX, LIZ, MICHAEL, MARIA, ISABEL and KYLE run away from the Obsidianolith Chamber

ALL: (to author) Look the Granitolith etymology joke wasn't all that funny to begin with. Just lose it, willya?

MAX:
I'm an alien, and I'm okay.
I lose the plot almost every day.

ALL:
He's an alien, and he's okay.
He's lost the plot almost every day.

MAX:
I trust ETs. I eat my lunch.
I hit the eraser room.
On most days I get mindwarped
And have buttered scones for tea.

ALL:
He trusts ETs. He eats his lunch.
He hits the eraser room.
On most days he gets mindwarped
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's an alien, and he's okay.
He's lost the plot almost every day.

MAX:
I trust ETs. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

KYLE blushes heavily.

ALL:
He trusts ETs. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars!
He's an alien, and he's okay.
He's lost the plot almost every day.

MAX:
I trust ETs. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I wish I'd been a Nazi
Just like my dear Mama!

Fortunately the credits roll at this point and we are spared further atrocious lyrics.

Coming soon to a website near you - Meet the Tripes.

Send comments to the author

* * *

        Lyrics to 'Let's Do the Time Warp Again', from 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show', at Ernst Markus KoflAir's Vollgasseite:

RIFF RAFF:
It's astounding
Time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely

MAGENTA:
Not for very much longer

RIFF RAFF:
I've got to keep control
I remember doing the Time Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me

RIFF AND MAGENTA:
And the void would be calling

CHORUS:
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

CRIMINOLOGIST:
It's just a jump to the left

CHORUS:
And then a step to the right

CRIMINOLOGIST:
With your hands on your hips

CHORUS:
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

MAGENTA:
It's so dreamy
Oh, fantasy free me
So you can't see me
No, not at all
In another dimension
With voyeuristic intention
Well secluded, I see all

RIFF RAFF:
With a bit of a mind flip

MAGENTA:
You're into the time slip

RIFF RAFF:
And nothing can ever be the same

MAGENTA:
You're spaced out on sensation

RIFF RAFF:
Like you're under sedation

CHORUS:
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

COLUMBIA:
Well I was walking down the street
Just a having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again

CHORUS:
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

CRIMINOLOGIST:
It's just a jump to the left

CHORUS:
And then a step to the right

CRIMINOLOGIST:
With your hands on your hips

CHORUS:
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

* * *

        Lyrics to the Monty Python Flying Circus' 'The Lumberjack Song', from Genie's Page:

BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

(talking)
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

(singing)
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

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